Venting my mum implied she wouldn't mind if i killed myself

[springleaf]

so, a few days ago, i was arguing with my mother. she was mad at me because i barely do any chores around the house and i cannot even keep my own bedroom clean (i have dirty dishes scattered everywhere, and recently my mum's had to start collecting them herself so that they wouldn't start rotting), plus i've been struggling with doing literally any schoolwork, which might cause me genuine problems at school. she kept telling me how useless i was, and so i asked her if me killing myself would be any better, and she replied that she thinks that me being dead and me being alive and useless are two equally bad options. this shocked me, because she knows i've been struggling with SI for quite a long time now. maybe she thinks it's all good now that i've been in therapy for two years and i've been taking antidepressants for over a year, but i still sometimes talk about how i cease to find any meaning in life and in living, so i doubt she considers me all recovered.
the thing is, my mother and sister are literally the only reasons why i haven't killed myself yet (i don't want to ruin their lives), so hearing my mum talk about how me dying actually wouldn't be worse than my current situation really messed with me. she even clarified that, who knows, maybe i would get over your death rather quickly, at which point i couldn't believe what she was saying. it was incredibly insensitive and has made me the most suicidal i've been in months.

 

[boblong]

Maybe it's the heat of the moment? I'm sure your mom doesnt actually want you to do that?

 

[springleaf]

Maybe it's the heat of the moment? I'm sure your mom doesnt actually want you to do that?

we do often have heated arguments where we both impulsively say things we don't actually mean, but this was actually pretty calm and felt too sincere. ofc deep in my heart i know that my mum doesn't want me to kill myself, but my brain is constantly looking for any reason or """permission""" to do it, so it's still a shitty situation.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

It sounds like she doesn't understand SI, which is kind of funny since it often runs in families. But people who haven't had SI won't understand why people with it can't "just recover." It sounds like she might have control issues if she gets that upset over your room or what she wants your situation to be. It sounds like you're doing the best that you can. Hugs.

 

[-Link-]

the thing is, my mother and sister are literally the only reasons why i haven't killed myself yet (i don't want to ruin their lives),

I feel like this says a lot more than whatever statements she made as part of an argument, especially if her statements were made in response to you, in the midst of arguing, asking her "if it would be any better if you killed yourself."

It would probably be worth approaching her with your concerns, when you're both in a calmer mood.

In resolving a conflict like this, you ideally want to approach the other person in a manner where you stick to the facts and avoid stating judgements or assumptions. For example, "When you said ________, it made me feel ________." This, to make the other person less likely to become defensive and more likely to engage in plain discussion.

On a surface level, what she said to you was awful. But she is your mother and this happened in an argument, so I think it would be worth digging a bit deeper on this one.