Venting my mum doesn't care that im suicidal

[Remy_is_tired]

ive tried to tell her before but she never took me seriously; i was just saying it casually so okay ig it could be misinterpreted

but yesterday (or the day before i dont even know anymore) i was crying and screaming at her and she still just.. didn't react. she just told me to shut up and "stop saying things like that"
why doesnt she care? shouldnt she love me? i begged her to even considdr helping me. i begged my mother to care about me. i don't have anyone anymore. why doesnt she care? she shouldve been concerned right? i dont know.
im tired
im so tired and not even my mother cares
theres no reason to keep going anymore
i always told myself: when i work up the courage to ask for help all of this will be over and I'll be normal
but she doesnt care why doesnt she care?

i shouldnt be so sad about this you know. i should be happy that when i kill myself atleast i can guarantee that she wont be hurt.
but some selfish part of me really wants her to care. its disgusting. im disgusting and selfish. i want her to be hurt by my death and i want everyone to know its her fault.
thats filthy. im so filthy. i shouldnt be so selfish.

 

[peewee]

i dont know how old you are but i can assure you she does care, sounds like she doesnt have the capacity/tools to be there for you how you need and deserve. its a part of growing up that we realise our parents are just people, and often our parents shouldnt have been parents, or they just cant show up for us the way we want and need. it hurts alot, its hard. your mum does care, she just doesnt have the tools. he parents probably didnt either, its often generational. consider trying to get better and finding other people that care - friends, healthcare professionals, helpline peeps, literally anyone. we care on here and we dont even know you. sending love and hugs xx

 

[Pale_Rider]

I think some people just can't fathom suicode is my opinion .

 

[Remy_is_tired]

i dont know how old you are but i can assure you she does care, sounds like she doesnt have the capacity/tools to be there for you how you need and deserve. its a part of growing up that we realise our parents are just people, and often our parents shouldnt have been parents, or they just cant show up for us the way we want and need. it hurts alot, its hard. your mum does care, she just doesnt have the tools. he parents probably didnt either, its often generational. consider trying to get better and finding other people that care - friends, healthcare professionals, helpline peeps, literally anyone. we care on here and we dont even know you. sending love and hugs xx

i know it isnt her fault
but god i just wish she never had kids
when i was 12 she was admitted to a mental hospital and my dad hid it from my younger sisters but not from me
i wish he had. it felt like he kept pushing this responsibility on me to take care of my sisters & mum (after she left the hospital) emotionally

it just doesnt feel fair in a way? my dad always told *me* to be all kind and nice to my mum to help her recovery and now she wont even show a bit of concern that im killing myself? i think i developed the same type of seasonal depression as her a while ago. i always hid it from my dad so hed focus on helping my mum.
i shouldnt be helping for any benefits i know but. i dont know

im so tired
i dont want to leave my sisters with her; she definitely has an eating disorder and keeps projecting onto my sisters. i dont want my sisters to be like her at all. i just wish she never had us

 

[itsgone2]

but yesterday (or the day before i dont even know anymore) i was crying and screaming at her and she still just.. didn't react. she just told me to shut up and "stop saying things like that"

Mine doesn't care. Long story but she knows I'm alone and suicidal and that I've had attempts. Not heard from her. It's like suicide; most can't conceive of killing themselves, I'm sure most/many can't conceive of a mother that doesn't care.
It's awful though.