Venting My mother threatened to kill herself because of my depression

[Nuclear Gandhi]

I don't want to spam venting threads so often, but this conversation really affected me and I need to get it from my chest. My mother has an alcohol addiction, which caused a lot of conflict between us in the past, as well as mental and physical abuse. Today we had another conversation about my mental health situation (I am going through severe depressive episode) and basically she tried to persuade me with usual stuff "everything will be better", "you have to fight", "you are not doing anything", "you poisoning my life with this", "if you can't live for yourself, live for me" etc. She was drunk and after awhile I lost my patience and said that at the moment I have no goal and see no solution. Then she told me that she will jump from the bridge tomorrow and this will be my fault. I know she was intoxicated, but her words worried me a lot, I feel immense guilt. Even though I understand that I should not feel guilty for my mental disorder. I don't know what to do, how to communicate with her. I never threatened anyone with suicide, so I don't know if this is a form of emotional manipulation or cry for help. I feel deeply ashamed for putting my loved ones in this position, but I can't change it, I feel so trapped.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

"if you can't live for yourself, live for me"

Now THIS is selfish not suicide, she rather have you suffering and alive than dead and without suffering.

 

[Nuclear Gandhi]

Now THIS is selfish not suicide, she rather have you suffering and alive than dead and without suffering.

It is selfish, but I understand that she just wants her child to be alive. She doesn't see me as a person, more like continuation of herself. It always been this way.
Part of me is angry, part of me is understanding. I am so frustrated.
I told her that I don't feel comfortable discussing my mental issues with her in the end and I think it's a neutral solution.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It is manipulation.

Alcoholics often manipulate others to take responsibility for their actions and feelings, as well as to make efforts to control them because they can't or won't make the effort to control themselves. Then they resent the interference.

You didn't cause her problems, you can't fix them, and you can't cure them. She may not be able to, but she is the only one who can. Sure it's sad, but again, you didn't cause it, and it is completely outside of your control. If she follows through and kills herself, that is also outside of your control. You have zero responsibility for her actions.

 

[Nuclear Gandhi]

It is manipulation.

Alcoholics often manipulate others to take responsibility for their actions and feelings, as well as to make efforts to control them because they can't or won't make the effort to control themselves. Then they resent the interference.

You didn't cause her problems, you can't fix them, and you can't cure them. She may not be able to, but she is the only one who can. Sure it's sad, but again, you didn't cause it, and it is completely outside of your control. If she follows through and kills herself, that is also outside of your control. You have zero responsibility for her actions.

Yes, it makes sense. Thank you for your perspective, it's still really fresh so I am not able to analyse this situation without involving emotions. You are absolutely right - she is not responsible for my decisions and I am not responsible for hers.

 

[RileyTanaka]

I know a couple people in my life who act like this, including my own mother (without the alcohol), and I can tell you firsthand it is manipulation. You know the old adage, "You can't change people"? This is even more true with family members with whom you might have a problematic, enmeshed relationship with at times. You did a good job drawing a boundary. It's not easy doing that when alcoholics so often lose control of their behavior and can become abusive. Are you living with her? I only ask b/c if so, I imagine you'll have to regularly distance yourself from her when she's drunk. Sorry you're dealing with this. I think a lot of us end up here b/c our parents couldn't/can't be what we need them to be; you're not alone in that regard.

 

[Nuclear Gandhi]

I know a couple people in my life who act like this, including my own mother (without the alcohol), and I can tell you firsthand it is manipulation. You know the old adage, "You can't change people"? This is even more true with family members with whom you might have a problematic, enmeshed relationship with at times. You did a good job drawing a boundary. It's not easy doing that when alcoholics so often lose control of their behavior and become abusive. Are you living with her? I only ask b/c if so, I imagine you'll have to regularly distance yourself from her when she's drunk. Sorry you're dealing with this.

I am living with her at the moment, since quarantine started. I am thinking about moving to a friend for some time to give me and her some space.
I am sorry you had similar experiences. It's really hard to draw boundaries, because they are constantly disrespected. I feel like her not making boundaries for herself also creates more pain for her - she perceives my issues as her personal failure and tries to change it, to control it. It's not the first time, not the last time.
Thank you for your support.