My mother thinks sending me a message can compensate for 22 years of abandoning me

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

There's no way I can have a relationship with my mother when she has abandoned me my entire life, took one look at me when I was born and decided she didn't love me. When I've tried to sit with her in person and conversate with her on a couple of occasions she has nothing to say, except the occasional comment about her tradcon politics. I wonder if ECT did this to her, or if she is also autistic. I'll never know.

It is really infuriating when privledged ass people say it's no big deal to not have a parents or a family- just grow up, they assert- or that I do have a mother, I just don't "let her in." when my mother has never wanted me and her idea of reconnection is sending me a couple sentences on social media once a year and not actually wanting anything to do with me. Unbelievable.

 

[ncmxm]

I'm so sorry your mother is like this. People don't understand how much it hurts when you try to connect with a parent and get nothing. I hope you can meet people who can become your found family.

 

[Pluto]

My mother is extremely autistic, a fact that I never actually noticed until my sister pointed it out in recent years. My mother never had friends, and as my sister put it, "just doesn't get people." Her life boiled down to narrow-minded, repetitive obsessions with music and Catholicism, and her reasons for procreating were to do with shamelessly pushing her interests on us, while trying to discourage us from developing our own identities.

It ended up a disaster in which none of the 3 children are on proper speaking terms even decades later, yet she still cannot admit any kind of fault. The scariest part, which was a recurring theme in the ongoing PTSD nightmares I endured particularly in my 20s, was that she never actually viewed me as a human at all. I was 100% objectified. In those repeating nightmares, I always found myself being attacked by giant snakes while my parents casually looked on as if nothing was wrong! It's a perfect analogy. Thankfully those nightmares are now rare.

The sad part is that I think she generally meant well but her mental illness made it impossible to have any sort of legitimate human connections, even with close family. All the insane behaviour was an overcompensation for lacking basic abilities to connect.

I understand how you feel, and to anyone trying to invalidate your hardship, it only takes a basic understanding of attachment theory to see that they are not only lacking in compassion, but plain wrong. I don't know what to suggest, though, as I ultimately gave up on my own parents and have been battling my own mental illness ever since.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are understandable. I'm sorry you had to deal with someone like that. I wish you the best.

 

[noname223]

There's no way I can have a relationship with my mother when she has abandoned me my entire life, took one look at me when I was born and decided she didn't love me. When I've tried to sit with her in person and conversate with her on a couple of occasions she has nothing to say, except the occasional comment about her tradcon politics. I wonder if ECT did this to her, or if she is also autistic. I'll never know.

It is really infuriating when privledged ass people say it's no big deal to not have a parents or a family- just grow up, they assert- or that I do have a mother, I just don't "let her in." when my mother has never wanted me and her idea of reconnection is sending me a couple sentences on social media once a year and not actually wanting anything to do with me. Unbelievable.

My relationship with my mother is also not really healthy. But it is different. My mom abused me for almost a decade. Talking with her and asking her why she did that I would never get a serious answer. (I could deduce the reasons very well though) It would always lead to a big argument. She would evade giving the real reasons. My sister waits till today that our parents take the initative and say sorry. That will NEVER ever happen. My parents repress these feelings. My mother compensates it with giving me money and other things. I have never heard once a serious apology. I don't care much about it. I know she feels sorry. But maybe this is the difference between my mom and yours. My mom truely feels sorry. But I got really mentally ill due to the abuse and noone can fix this for me. You only live once. And I have become a mental wreck.

My dad is very ignorant. He always looked away when I was daily beaten up. Now he always pretends he would not have seen it once. This is a big blatant lie. He scapegoats other people. He says foreigners are the reason why my country can't support me more. He always says how incompetent the politicians are. What losers they would be. Yeah he is very stupid, can't speak his native language properly and abused his children. Who is now the loser? For me he is a big one. Someone who abused his children has the arrogance to call other people a loser. And most of them have not destroyed the lives of their children. Fucking jerk!

 

[Mixo]

I can't imagine how anyone would find an acceptable way to pathologize you for what was literally a decision on your mother's part to be absent in your life, no matter when it's taken place. I truly hope you aren't internalizing any of that, as it's extremely unfair and bizarre way to assign judgement.

I was raised by my parents but ended up drawing a line in the sand after many years of abuse, partially because they could not accept that I am gay. Even though I made the decision to cut ties and stop taking severe emotional, mental abuse, I understand the hurt inside of feeling like you're without family and to me, that feeling will never go away. Might sound dramatic, but I think it is one of the most painful feelings in the world to know there is not home or a place where you're wanted and belong. For many years, I tried to build "chosen family" via friends but ultimately, that endeavor failed because of my own issues with trust and I don't know if you can ever replace the unconditional nature that family should theoretically bring. I don't want to offer any platitudes or false hopes, but just to say you deserved and deserve better now.

 

[Sherri]

I'm sorry about all that, I did the opposite, I blocked my mum by all means possible to get in touch with me a couple of weeks back. She can't hurt me with her words anymore. I have no more mum. A big hug to you.

 

[Versailles]

Something different happens with me, I have a great connection with my mother but her dependence on me is one of the things that prevents me from CTB

 

[demuic]

I understand. My dad tries to communicate sometimes. It is awkward and painful to me. I also feel like he tries to make up for things with money and financial support. But nothing can make up for a near lifetime of absence. Money is no replacement for a human connection and feeling that you have a parent you can talk to and at least knows you a little bit. We are essentially strangers.

My mother is extremely autistic, a fact that I never actually noticed until my sister pointed it out in recent years.

In recent years after talking with my mother I came to the conclusion he is probably autistic. It makes sense considering my brother also is. I have my own problems with human interaction but even knowing this doesn't help. My mother will say how alike we are but I would never know otherwise.

or that I do have a mother, I just don't "let her in."

I hate that. It's not a matter of letting someone in or not. There's too much baggage, too much pain. Scars that go back to childhood can't be easily brushed away. It's always too little, too late.

 

[waitingforrest]

It is really infuriating when privledged ass people say it's no big deal to not have a parents or a family- just grow up, they assert- or that I do have a mother, I just don't "let her in." when my mother has never wanted me and her idea of reconnection is sending me a couple sentences on social media once a year and not actually wanting anything to do with me. UnUnbelievable.

It really is infuriating. The amount of times people called me a a**hole for not wanting anything to do with my family makes me mad.

Just because they are blood related doesn't mean I owe them forgiveness, people should keep their mouth shut on things they don't bother to understand.

Glowing up without a family and being surrounded by other people that do have families is a loneliness I would not wish on anyone.

I know that I can choose my family, but it still leaves me sad knowing that the family that was supposed to care for me didn't.

I'm really sorry about what your mother did to you. Those people that say you don't let her in are wrong.