Venting My mother is actively encouraging my thoughts about CTB

[enstarve]

I have mixed feelings about this.
On one hand, im happy that my absence wont have that much of an effect on her, but again i am sad.
This is my own mother i am talking about and all i ever wanted was to feel loved and acknowledged by her for at least a second, even though most of my life i would tell myself that i feel nothing toward her, that shes become more of a roommate to me than a mother, or sometimes that i even hate her.
We live together but i do not speak to her unless we're paying bills or if we are having a screaming match.
Best i can describe it is "Well yeah, sure i want to ctb. But you're supposed to care. You're supposed to want me to get better. And the fact you dont is breaking my heart, which i didnt even know you had the ability to do."

 

[sanlcx]

Brutal. But really she's just a woman who had sex one day and then you popped out of her pussyhole, you don't have to try and love her if she's not worth your love.
Anyhow, I wish you the best

 

[underscore_nine]

I have mixed feelings about this.
On one hand, im happy that my absence wont have that much of an effect on her, but again i am sad.
This is my own mother i am talking about and all i ever wanted was to feel loved and acknowledged by her for at least a second, even though most of my life i would tell myself that i feel nothing toward her, that shes become more of a roommate to me than a mother, or sometimes that i even hate her.
We live together but i do not speak to her unless we're paying bills or if we are having a screaming match.
Best i can describe it is "Well yeah, sure i want to ctb. But you're supposed to care. You're supposed to want me to get better. And the fact you dont is breaking my heart, which i didnt even know you had the ability to do."

she sounds like an awful person im sorry

 

[Slark]

She seems like a very bad person. I'm sorry you're going through this

 

[enstarve]

Brutal. But really she's just a woman who had sex one day and then you popped out of her pussyhole, you don't have to try and love her if she's not worth your love.
Anyhow, I wish you the best

This is the way i think about it most of the time, but sometimes i find myself daydreaming of a life where she could have been kind. But this is the way she is and its fine. I send kind wishes your way as well :).

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

This is just wrong. I am sorry your mother is so cold to you. But dont let your life be defined by your relationship to her. I know because I spent majority of my life trying to please my mom and I never got the love I wanted since I was a child. It is not your fault she is the way she is.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I told my mother during an argument about my plans to CTB. She flat out told me to do it. It's a defense mechanism I believe.

I told my mother during an argument about my plans to CTB. She flat out told me to do it. It's a defense mechanism I believe. If not, oh well.

 

[doneforlife]

I have mixed feelings about this.
On one hand, im happy that my absence wont have that much of an effect on her, but again i am sad.
This is my own mother i am talking about and all i ever wanted was to feel loved and acknowledged by her for at least a second, even though most of my life i would tell myself that i feel nothing toward her, that shes become more of a roommate to me than a mother, or sometimes that i even hate her.
We live together but i do not speak to her unless we're paying bills or if we are having a screaming match.
Best i can describe it is "Well yeah, sure i want to ctb. But you're supposed to care. You're supposed to want me to get better. And the fact you dont is breaking my heart, which i didnt even know you had the ability to do."

It's so great that you still can manage to understand your inner self and analyse your bond. When parents can't love , the world does break down. I feel sorry. Sending you virtual hugs!

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

I have mixed feelings about this.
On one hand, im happy that my absence wont have that much of an effect on her, but again i am sad.
This is my own mother i am talking about and all i ever wanted was to feel loved and acknowledged by her for at least a second, even though most of my life i would tell myself that i feel nothing toward her, that shes become more of a roommate to me than a mother, or sometimes that i even hate her.
We live together but i do not speak to her unless we're paying bills or if we are having a screaming match.
Best i can describe it is "Well yeah, sure i want to ctb. But you're supposed to care. You're supposed to want me to get better. And the fact you dont is breaking my heart, which i didnt even know you had the ability to do."

Parents can be angry and terrible for all kinds of reasons. They're people and can have their own mental illness.
It affects us just the same and hurts every time. I might be a random internet stranger, but I want to see you get better. Any chance you can leave or find another family member or friend to live with?

 

[enstarve]

Parents can be angry and terrible for all kinds of reasons. They're people and can have their own mental illness.
It affects us just the same and hurts every time. I might be a random internet stranger, but I want to see you get better. Any chance you can leave or find another family member or friend to live with?

You are absolutely right. My mother is bipolar and i have my own issues which made us doomed before we even knew it kind of.
Thank you for the kind words, i think i might be able to leave soon. I am a broke college student who cant really afford life on their own sadly. If my father moves into the city i might live with him, im not sure how that would go but he is willing to help if in the position, so all i can really do is hope that the forces above shed some light on me for once LOL.
T

It's so great that you still can manage to understand your inner self and analyse your bond. When parents can't love , the world does break down. I feel sorry. Sending you virtual hugs!

Thank you so much .