Venting My mother found out.

[Pollenallergy]

She came into my room, she cried and she cried and she cried and the guilt is horrible. I fear my friend did what I trusted him not to, he shared what I had told him. I really trusted him, I can never share such a thing ever again, I don't know what to do. I didn't think my death would impact her like this, I have never seen her cry like this, I didn't even think she cared. I fear she's acting, that I am getting my hopes up by thinking she cares. I might be sent to a hospital, she told me. I am worried, nervous and scared. I don't want my freedom taken from me. I regret having shared anything.

 

[AresCohere]

This is legitimately my biggest fear. My parents always threaten to send me to a psyche ward and I know they would rather lock me away then actually face any issues they caused.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such an awful situation, it's just the unfortunate reality that it's a terrible idea to open up about wanting to die in this cruel world where people refuse to see suicide as being the logical option that it truly is, you certainly cannot trust other people. I hope that you don't end up in a psych ward as those places really sound like horrific prisons to me.

 

[Andarosh]

Interesting, I see my actions with my life above all else, I do wish to die, I am sad that I can´t get the things such as SN as easily as I thought. But I have opened myself to my mom that I do want to die and although she cried a bit, it did not move me at all, even though I was sent to psych ward by her (on December 2022), I still managed to get out within a week. So in my opinion take some time, think about future and make your path clear, plan out what you want to do.

As @FuneralCry here mentions, the way I see my own suicide as a logical way of thinking where I feel that suicide is deservable for a person such as me. And yes psych ward felt like a prison, just a program every single day... pills, breakfast, lunch, dinner and absolutely nothing to do throughout a day, the only thing that was atleast a bit good was working TV and that I could talk to other patients in the psych ward. (I have ADHD...)

 

[Vizzy]

people stop saying about ctb to your friends because it is not a celebration, stop it!

 

[Not.Flugel]

people stop saying about ctb to your friends because it is not a celebration, stop it!

Seconded that. Also, what do you expect them to do? They are your friends, they don't want you to ctb (most likely).

 

[SilentSadness]

That's terrible for your friend to double cross you like that, but to be expected. You shouldn't rely on anyone to keep secrets, especially when it comes to the right to die. As for your mother, it's unsurprising that she'd use threats like that, most parents mistreat their children after all. This is the unfortunate reason why we need to keep to ourselves.

 

[Challu]

We should be honest with ourselves:

Unless we have intentionally abusive and uncaring parent(s)/guardians and friends, it's never a smart idea to inform them of plans to kill oneself. (Not specifically uncaring/abusive even, but generally anyone that has had a significant role in one's life)

Telling family or friends about it assumes that they now have a role in one's choice to CTB.

(Not aimed at you OP)

 

[Archness]

In some ways I wish SaSu wasn't the only place I could be honest about these things.

On the other hand, it prevents me from exposing myself in a moment of irrationality, or something else causing a mistake.


In this world : 1 Mistake = Collapse, fail, life RUIN, etc.

 

[Rabbit-]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this situation... I hope things turn out better than you expect, and especially that you're able to avoid hospitalization.

 

[SoftWorries]

Seconded that. Also, what do you expect them to do? They are your friends, they don't want you to ctb (most likely).

I legit don't want any of my friends or family to die. Death is the reason I'm this messed up.

I don't share anything about my feelings to want to CTB. I don't talk about the extent of my trauma past letting the people I love and trust know about it.

I try to be very honest in my life in any way that won't hurt them.

For so many years my PTSD was a black haze I couldn't be free from until I realized it was because I was sharing too much of my pain. Now it's a little cloud over my head that doesn't interfere with the silver linings on the ones around me.

We should be honest with ourselves:

Unless we have intentionally abusive and uncaring parent(s)/guardians and friends, it's never a smart idea to inform them of plans to kill oneself. (Not specifically uncaring/abusive even, but generally anyone that has had a significant role in one's life)

Telling family or friends about it assumes that they now have a role in one's choice to CTB.

(Not aimed at you OP)

This is an extremely good point. Survivors guilt and all that.

 

[Stormy Raine]

She came into my room, she cried and she cried and she cried and the guilt is horrible. I fear my friend did what I trusted him not to, he shared what I had told him. I really trusted him, I can never share such a thing ever again, I don't know what to do. I didn't think my death would impact her like this, I have never seen her cry like this, I didn't even think she cared. I fear she's acting, that I am getting my hopes up by thinking she cares. I might be sent to a hospital, she told me. I am worried, nervous and scared. I don't want my freedom taken from me. I regret having shared anything.

Being committed is so violating! Everyone acts as if they love you so much but now I'm back home, no calls or nothing! My friend you better learn to hide it and fake it or you will end up like me!

 

[Benzzzy]

It's quiet common to feel like the world would be better off without you that people wouldn't care and that no one loves you when you're depressed.
But your friends do love you your mom does love you.
For some it's just hard to realize.
You're her daughter and you're loved.

Regarding the psychiatry.
I've been institutionalized for the past 14 years and been transfered to different units over 25 times.
If you've questions you can always ask me just keep in mind my experience was in the netherlands psychiatry's do different things in different country's.

But feel free to ask.

I'll just tell you from the start here it hasn't ever been too bad.
Like in my case they'd usually lock me up for the first few months give you activity's to keep you bussy in working hours.
Meybe education depending on your age therapy once or twice a week.
The places I stayed at you could have phones and there was wifi:
I've been to one place with no internet access.
But smoking cigs listening to music playing board games and chatting really kills your time.
And there's always the television.
There's quiet some interesting people there to talk too and usually staff is quiet understanding and kind.

But they might be really strict w privileges.
Like you've to earn them they've to get trust in you.
You might not be allowed outside for a few months until they think you're ready.
So you'll probably get a list of things you've ti accomplish like life style changes therapy activity attendance.
The. They might start going out with you supervised.
For a month or 2.
Then alone.
And then the talks of transferring you to a open unit might start.
And from there they'll send you back.

But keep in mind this was a closed forensic psychiatry.
Things might be different for you.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

people stop saying about ctb to your friends because it is not a celebration, stop it!

In many cases it's a reach out for help, though.