My mom saw my suicide letter.

[technicallyAlive]

My mom's always had delusions and over the years its gotten worse. My mental health is worse and I've been acting weird because of it. I know shes noticed. But as my mental health got worse her delusions got worse and almost every episode she has it somehow revolves around me being some evil reincarnate from the underworld here to make her life hell or some stupid shit like that. Everytime this happens she yells at me and screams and encourages my suicide and ignores my self harm. I used to feel sympathy for her but over time it just got worse and worse. I wouldn't say I 'hate' her, I know its not her fault. But out of everyone in my life she is the last person i would give my suicide letter, if any for that matter. Anyway one of her recent episodes was the last straw. Today she got home, slammed the door to my room opened and screamed at me that i give her my phone. I was scared and shaking because out of all the days for this to happen, of course it happens on the same day i reactivate my account on SaSu. I cut myself a few times on the belly and in the middle of my sh i heard her go back to my room and plop my phone on my bed. I finished my sh and when i was done i tried to worry about my cuts and not what she could've found on my phone. I opened my phone and i checked to see what apps she opened, and to my absolute horror she opened my camera roll where I had previously screen shotted graphic & detailed 4 pages long suicide letter I was supposed to give to my friends. She hasn't talked or looked at me since, except a little bit earlier after dinner (i was still shaking) she came to my room and acted all sweet and nice out of nowhere. I know she saw and because of this I know I need to die asap. Im still really scared and i dont know how im gonna ctb yet. I mean i thought of various ways but none of them were really solid and + i was supposed to commit next year. This wasnt supposed to happen yet god im so scared i was supposed to commit in january next year but now its bumped like nine months early. i dont know what the fuck to do.
edit: grammar

 

[bankai]

Act your butt off. Convince her till it's time.Make her think you've turned over a new leaf. Also I think you can open these sites on Incognito tab? I have to act like a regular human every day
Man is it tough.Take your time. I wanted to dissipate into the ether for years now, but I'm just hoping for something to keep me going for however long I can. I haven't found it yet. And that's OK. I hope you continue as long as you really can. Your reason should never be another person though. You should be your own raison d'etre first.Other people will let you down. Build a strong base, be a strong person. And then let another person into your life. And if you can't, that's OK too. Again, the problem is that we are all different. Sometimes we just cannot continue. If you still cannot after a few years, then you should be fine to ctb.Just don't make a quick decision.

 

[technicallyAlive]

Act your butt off. Convince her till it's time.Make her think you've turned over a new leaf. Also I think you can open these sites on Incognito tab? I have to act like a regular human every day
Man is it tough.Take your time. I wanted to dissipate into the ether for years now, but I'm just hoping for something to keep me going for however long I can. I haven't found it yet. And that's OK. I hope you continue as long as you really can. Your reason should never be another person though. You should be your own raison d'etre first.Other people will let you down. Build a strong base, be a strong person. And then let another person into your life. And if you can't, that's OK too. Again, the problem is that we are all different. Sometimes we just cannot continue. If you still cannot after a few years, then you should be fine to ctb.Just don't make a quick decision.

Your an angel, I appreciate this so much! Both your kind words & the advice. I'll try my best (either to pretend or keep going, I'm still not sure lol) and again, thank you so much! I wish you the best <3