Story My mental-Illness, nihilism, and suicidality caught the bus

[Rayzieka]

This is just me babbling because I felt like it so you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
I haven't been on this forum for about a year but I came back just to look around and while I was scanning through the suicide discussion it suddenly hit me that I don't entirely relate anymore regardless of my continuing disability and problems in life.
I haven't tried to harm myself in over a year this month, and rarely think about it anymore.
I haven't genuinely planned out when or how to kill myself in over a year as well.

It's not to say the thoughts and urges have ended but it suddenly occurred to me that I don't know why I've changed my perspective so much in one year.
A lot changed in my life and I'm much more busy and you could say that I'm living a healthier life and my prior stressors are gone.

But in reality life has gotten far more stressful and painful than ever before with new fears and constantly being exposed to the symptoms of my illness due to my new environment. Yet I don't always jump to the thought and plan to kill myself on a daily basis anymore.

My entire life I've never had goals or could find meaning in why anything needs to continue.
I still don't have goals outside of keeping a roof over my head and my pessimism and paranoia are at an all-time high.

I can never think of anyone who has feelings I don't have any more for one reason or another as having them for invalid reasons.
I don't think my pain and depression at any point in my life was any less than what I thought it was, even when I was a whiney teenager.

I wouldn't say I have high self-preservation as I would throw myself into danger needlessly or take my life before its taken by someone else.
Yet I suddenly noticed I just don't want to die anymore.

I don't believe I'll ever go back to feeling the same again and I can hardly pinpoint when I started to feel different.
Maybe it was when I realized I could survive on my own in a new town, or maybe it was when I realized I shouldn't be surviving on my own in a new town due to my fragile ability to solve problems safely.

Either way it feels like something completely snapped in my mind yet I still don't know where to go from here, but I'm just going to keep living because I don't want to die.

I'll just keep living despite all the horrible things happening around me and all of the problems in my face.
I'll keep waiting on the edge of my seat for new episodes of my favorite shows, and when they end I'll find a new favorite, over and over.
I'll keep taking any moment of happiness or things I enjoy and try to have them again and do anything to keep them or find new ones if I can't.

It feels complicated to me yet it just happens on its own and I can't change it or anything that's already happened. Like- we just keep living if we're alive.

I don't invalidate anything I've felt but If they were to happen to me again I'd be hurt and cry- but I'd get over it again and again like I've really been doing this whole time. Things can build up but eventually, you let it all out and repeat as often as you do.

Just yesterday I was walking to work and had this thought- 'Everyone in this town hates me and they laugh at me behind my back'
But I just kept walking even though I felt a crippling fear I was being watched from every window. But even as that paranoia had a death grip on my neck and shoulders I just kept walking to work. And I worked and I made money to keep living.
And when I got home my thoughts weren't about how horrible I feel my first thoughts were "I'm going to make chicken nuggets"

No matter how horrible it gets I just cry it out and keep going and it never hit me earlier in life that every problem and pain I faced wasn't the end of my life or anyone elses. No matter how big of a toddler tantrum I throw at the end of the day I somehow am completely fine once I'm doing what I like.

It feels like I've gone completely insane even though this is what I assume is expected of a normal functioning human!

SO I GUESS I'M ALIVE HAHAHAHA




Day after day it reappears,
Ghosts appear and fade away!!!

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I hope things get better for you instead of worse soon. Even if you don't want to die, or just prefer living over death, it sounds terrible. I'm stuck in the same position where things are generally awful but I don't think I can die anytime soon so have to make the best of it. I hope something good happens to you soon. I hope you can keep doing the things you like, and get through the things you hate ok. I've been crying ocassionally too.

 

[Angi]

Thank you for continuing your story! I had been wondering whether you left, and in which direction. Close to suicide is a painful state to live in and I am glad things have been improving for you, even if they are not great yet. I hope they continue to get better every day!

 

[cowmeow]

I'll just keep living despite all the horrible things happening around me and all of the problems in my face.
I'll keep waiting on the edge of my seat for new episodes of my favorite shows, and when they end I'll find a new favorite, over and over.
I'll keep taking any moment of happiness or things I enjoy and try to have them again and do anything to keep them or find new ones if I can't.

This is so deep. I'm really happy that you got to that point, i hope i can get there one day, but idk.

Seriously, man, congrats.

 

[Regen]

I thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and experience! It was really interesting to read.

And of course, I am happy to read, that your thoughts of destroying yourself are fade away. That's great! Maybe this is the first step of a new feeling and maybe some of your other problems then will get better too!!