I am not sure what this says about my personality. I am pretty proud that I could improve my social skills a lot during the last 1,5 years. You could really tell there is something off in my case. I was very socially awkward and struggled with social interactions especially eye contact. When I am manic I am very good at communication and it is difficult for me to find the right balance.
It is sometimes difficult to differentiate for me which behavior is pathological. I am always sceptical because my brain tricked me quite some times.
I am not sure whether the following is attention seeking. Even if it is I don't care. I don't have much in my life so I take what gives me good feelings. I am obsessed by what other people think of me. And I like it when I can impress people. For example by knowledge, humor, grades etc. It is complicated and I don't want to go into details because I am scared of being identified. So my university knows I am very ill and I get some affirmative actions. Some students who are organizing certain events and structures in the university was revealed that I am ill. I am not sure what exactly they told them. The college does not know the diagnosis but that I am disabled because of severe mental illness.
This semester I could impress some people. It makes me feel like an impostor or fraud. I currently read Good old Neon of David Foster Wallace damn I love this story and I can relate so much. I could impress them with education and skills. But all of that is quite shallow and I am just wasting my full energy to create a certain impression into the minds of other people. But I am rambling this is a certain charade of mine (pretending being extremely smart) but with the mask in the title I mean something different.
One of the students who was told that I am disabled because of severe mental illness was speechless when he looked at me. When he saw that I am the guy with disability. He looked at me at the same time quite sad and kind of shocked. I think I liked several things about that which might be weird.
It proves me I am pretty good at pretending that I am fully healthy which is something I really value. Often I don't want that people know my secret. And being able to hide it is important for me. He looked like he would never had imagined that I am ill. I want to be able to decide whether the people are allowed to know about it.
Morever the respect they pay me grows even more when they learn I am secretly a mental wreck who is just pretty skilled at hiding it. It felt like acknowledgement in that moment. That what I am doing is pretty impressive for someone with such a severe mental illness. Even for average people it would be pretty hard. And honestly what I am doing requires extreme self-discipline and hard work. I don't think other people would torture themselves in such a way. Lol.
Others students learned about it even though I did not like that. However I don't think I am relevant in their lives and they won't spend much time thinking about me.
The whole thing my obsession how people perceive me is at the same time pathetic, absurd and ridiculous. So when I impress people and that gives me a good feeling I am taking it. I won't tell everyone about my illness just to prove something. It is just so hard to hide it all the time. And when people learn there might be more behind the mask, more hidden pain etc. I feel like I am less alone with it.
This is kind of absurd because I won't have much interactions with him. I kind of liked him. We were not close but I like that some people are in on the secret. But usually only people who are close to me know it. I feel more secure when there is at least one person in the room who I can trust. And that knows about my vulnerability.
Mabye something a little bit off-topic. Today I spent some time with a new friend in college. He is extremely savvy and he likes me. I think especially my witty jokes. Sadly I am unable to communicate in such a confident way with women. Thank you insane psychotic brain. I think I also impressed that guy with my self-discipline and eagerness. I think he is way way more gifted/ intelligent than me. If he worked as hard as me damn this guy could come into an high position. I had this thought often concerning many people with high skills and talents but they were rather lazy and did not reach their full potential. Our conversation reminded me of quite some sad facts/ hard truths. We talked about grades and he was impressed by my grades. Well he does not know it but they are probably absolutely worthless due to the fact I am too ill for working. I am still going to college for the off-chance of a miracle and to calm my family that everything will be fine. But I am quite sure these grades will be pretty worthless. I still do it for multiple reasons. To prove me I am smart or at least talented though I think most college work is more about hard work and less about high IQ. I probably do it out of anxiety and the abuse involved with performance pressure. The main reason is probably my severe OCD. I just live to serve them. I am not happy at all. But I try to please them as good as possible.
When he told me my grades were extremely good to calm me down he told me well there are so many more opportunities to get a good job. Well....I am doing all this for nothing. I am probably even unable to hold a job. My attempt is so pathetic and desperate. I think the likelihood that I am able to hold a job is under 10%. But it gives me hope in some sense. I think I am anyway with my back against the wall. And I don't want that my family worries too much. I am doing this already way way too much. My sorrows overwhelm me every single day. The responsiblities distract me and give me a naive hope for a better future. Sadly I think in my case it really is naive and shallow. There also other reasons why I am attending college. I like education. The social interactions improved my social skills. I like the subject I study. But the performance pressure is insane.
I also was sad when we talked about his life. How much more freetime he has. Way more life quality. Relationships with women and I am a complete loser in that relation. My both closest friends in college never asked whether I have a girlfriend. I ask myself whether they are suspecting that I am quite desperate and lonely. I mean they know how fucking mentally ill I am.
So the thread became a little bit longer than expected. It is exhausting alway having to act as if I was strong and resilient. When some (not all or any) people realize there is more behind mask I am feeling less lonely. That is pretty absurd but it is how I am feeling.
edit: I am not sure whether the idiom the mask slips is acurate in this context
It is sometimes difficult to differentiate for me which behavior is pathological. I am always sceptical because my brain tricked me quite some times.
I am not sure whether the following is attention seeking. Even if it is I don't care. I don't have much in my life so I take what gives me good feelings. I am obsessed by what other people think of me. And I like it when I can impress people. For example by knowledge, humor, grades etc. It is complicated and I don't want to go into details because I am scared of being identified. So my university knows I am very ill and I get some affirmative actions. Some students who are organizing certain events and structures in the university was revealed that I am ill. I am not sure what exactly they told them. The college does not know the diagnosis but that I am disabled because of severe mental illness.
This semester I could impress some people. It makes me feel like an impostor or fraud. I currently read Good old Neon of David Foster Wallace damn I love this story and I can relate so much. I could impress them with education and skills. But all of that is quite shallow and I am just wasting my full energy to create a certain impression into the minds of other people. But I am rambling this is a certain charade of mine (pretending being extremely smart) but with the mask in the title I mean something different.
One of the students who was told that I am disabled because of severe mental illness was speechless when he looked at me. When he saw that I am the guy with disability. He looked at me at the same time quite sad and kind of shocked. I think I liked several things about that which might be weird.
It proves me I am pretty good at pretending that I am fully healthy which is something I really value. Often I don't want that people know my secret. And being able to hide it is important for me. He looked like he would never had imagined that I am ill. I want to be able to decide whether the people are allowed to know about it.
Morever the respect they pay me grows even more when they learn I am secretly a mental wreck who is just pretty skilled at hiding it. It felt like acknowledgement in that moment. That what I am doing is pretty impressive for someone with such a severe mental illness. Even for average people it would be pretty hard. And honestly what I am doing requires extreme self-discipline and hard work. I don't think other people would torture themselves in such a way. Lol.
Others students learned about it even though I did not like that. However I don't think I am relevant in their lives and they won't spend much time thinking about me.
The whole thing my obsession how people perceive me is at the same time pathetic, absurd and ridiculous. So when I impress people and that gives me a good feeling I am taking it. I won't tell everyone about my illness just to prove something. It is just so hard to hide it all the time. And when people learn there might be more behind the mask, more hidden pain etc. I feel like I am less alone with it.
This is kind of absurd because I won't have much interactions with him. I kind of liked him. We were not close but I like that some people are in on the secret. But usually only people who are close to me know it. I feel more secure when there is at least one person in the room who I can trust. And that knows about my vulnerability.
Mabye something a little bit off-topic. Today I spent some time with a new friend in college. He is extremely savvy and he likes me. I think especially my witty jokes. Sadly I am unable to communicate in such a confident way with women. Thank you insane psychotic brain. I think I also impressed that guy with my self-discipline and eagerness. I think he is way way more gifted/ intelligent than me. If he worked as hard as me damn this guy could come into an high position. I had this thought often concerning many people with high skills and talents but they were rather lazy and did not reach their full potential. Our conversation reminded me of quite some sad facts/ hard truths. We talked about grades and he was impressed by my grades. Well he does not know it but they are probably absolutely worthless due to the fact I am too ill for working. I am still going to college for the off-chance of a miracle and to calm my family that everything will be fine. But I am quite sure these grades will be pretty worthless. I still do it for multiple reasons. To prove me I am smart or at least talented though I think most college work is more about hard work and less about high IQ. I probably do it out of anxiety and the abuse involved with performance pressure. The main reason is probably my severe OCD. I just live to serve them. I am not happy at all. But I try to please them as good as possible.
When he told me my grades were extremely good to calm me down he told me well there are so many more opportunities to get a good job. Well....I am doing all this for nothing. I am probably even unable to hold a job. My attempt is so pathetic and desperate. I think the likelihood that I am able to hold a job is under 10%. But it gives me hope in some sense. I think I am anyway with my back against the wall. And I don't want that my family worries too much. I am doing this already way way too much. My sorrows overwhelm me every single day. The responsiblities distract me and give me a naive hope for a better future. Sadly I think in my case it really is naive and shallow. There also other reasons why I am attending college. I like education. The social interactions improved my social skills. I like the subject I study. But the performance pressure is insane.
I also was sad when we talked about his life. How much more freetime he has. Way more life quality. Relationships with women and I am a complete loser in that relation. My both closest friends in college never asked whether I have a girlfriend. I ask myself whether they are suspecting that I am quite desperate and lonely. I mean they know how fucking mentally ill I am.
So the thread became a little bit longer than expected. It is exhausting alway having to act as if I was strong and resilient. When some (not all or any) people realize there is more behind mask I am feeling less lonely. That is pretty absurd but it is how I am feeling.
edit: I am not sure whether the idiom the mask slips is acurate in this context
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