Venting my life

[bastard]

i havent been on this site for a little while, let alone posting on here. i find myself here because life is bad again, and i have no one else to talk to about this. i hate alot of things, especially myself. i find myself being so irritable and miserable lately, i cant even get myself out of bed, i cant find motivation to do anything even if it benefits me. my family is finally noticing it, and its making me worse. im thankful they care, but at the same time i wish they would just leave me alone. i feel selfish, because i know its causing problems for my family. but enough about that. another reason i just cant stand myself is how genuinely pathetic i am. i crave attention so bad, i crave to be loved, to just be cared for, i do icky stuff for it. just for the praise ill get, or atleast to be called pretty by someone other than a friend, or family member. i cant even say im being groomed, because ive sought out for it every single time, its pathetic. now, i find myself wanting to commit alot more often lately, especially today. i hesitate because i dont wanna put anyone i love through the pain, but at the same time i genuinely cannot stand my existence anymore, i cant stand the world, i dont see a future for myself and it takes away all my motivation to even try. i can enjoy life, its not like ive never enjoyed it. i enjoy being with my friends, i enjoy indulging in my interests, i enjoy my playing with my dogs, but nothing feels fulfilling to me and i wish i knew why. i just want a quick and painless way out, i just want peace and i want to be happy, and i feel like shutting my brain off forever is the only way to get that. i know this is probably just a rough point in my life, because i know people have it way worse than me, but it feels like ill never feel better. i dont even feel like trying. i just want a hug, i want to be cradled like a child. i want to feel the love i never had the chance to get from my mother and father, due to no fault of their own, but i know im not gonna get it any time soon, and i dont know how long i can wait anymore. anyway, bastard out ;p

 

[lost in the lilies]

I'm honestly not sure what to say, I really relate to all of this. I've gotten to a point where I'm just so sick of myself it's like I'm being forced to live with somebody that I hate and absolute cannot stand. I've grown weary of my thoughts, the way that I speak, the way that I look, the way that I think - it's all just so unbearably "me". So many times I just wished I could wake up as a different person, to look in the mirror to see another face with no memory of the absolute train wreck that I was before.
It honestly makes me feel claustrophobic just thinking about it and verbalizing it. I really feel like my "soul" could just burst through this body and move out into another one. I'm the one person I hate the most and I'm the person I spend most of my time with, it sucks.
That last part does hit pretty hard. In my lowest moments I just feel like I want a hug. Some comforting presence to just embrace me and tell me that everything is okay the way parents do with their kids when they're overwhelmed.
Of course, we're not kids anymore. And that comforting embrace never really comes. I hope things will somehow get better for you, or that at least you find some peace