spicyvanillacupcake
Member
- Aug 6, 2023
- 6
I haven't told a lot of people this cause it's really hard for me to talk about, but I figured I would give people some background of why I'm here, and why I've been wanting to die lately.
TW: Rape and abuse mentioned
So, starting at the age of three, I was sexually abused by my "step dad." This happened after Halloween one year I remember (I think the abuse started before that though and I just don't remember), he made me give him a BJ just to get some Halloween candy, and I was three, so I didn't really understand obviously. I don't really remember my childhood eathier, probably cause of all the abuse I went through. My twin sister got into a accident (run over by a semi-truck) the day after our 6th birthday, and when I was seven, I got thrown into foster care, going to five different foster homes within a year (from the age of seven to age eight), and they were traumatic one after another. When I was eight, my aunt had actually taken guardianship. When I went to school, I was bullied every day (in grade school, middle school, and high school). Again, I don't really remember my childhood cause of all the abuse. When I was with my aunt growing up, I was verbally abused, emotionally abused, and physically abused, and I started to "act out," so she took me to multiple doctors to get me diagnosed. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and given meds to help, but they didn't work cause that's not what I had. I found later that I have really bad PTSD, anxiety disorder, and severe depression, and on top of that, I am also Autistic too. After I graduated from High School, I left my aunt's place, and I lived with roommate's who ended up being verbally abusive towards me too, so I ended up at homeless shelter's. I ended up going back to my aunt's place later for a couple weeks, then I ended up being raped by a "friend" I had known since the third grade (we were off and on again friends). We had gone to a church function to hang out with some friends, and cause I didn't want to go back to my aunt's place, I ended up staying at his place for the night, which was obviously a big mistake. I was already half asleep when he was doing this, so I wasn't fully conscious or aware of what was happening, but he ended up raping me (as well as using his fingers inside, taking pictures of me without clothes on, and taking my hand and putting it on his penis). I continue to have flashbacks from this, and cause of the rape, I ended up getting pregnant from him, and contemplated aborting, but I had wanted a baby so bad that I carried her full term and had her for the first 2-3 months of her life before it was just really hard on me cause she looked like him, and she was a constant reminder of what had happened to me. He's in prison now (only got five years) at least. About a year later, I met someone and went to live with him for about two years before I got pregnant again by him, and he didn't want to be with me after I got pregnant, so we both left. I came back to where I am now, set up doctor's appointments, and had my baby boy, which I had with me in custody until he was almost two cause my mental health and depression got so bad, and I ended up homeless and in a shelter with him. After I lost him to his father, my depression got worse, and I tried to commit suicide by slicing my wrists with razor blades, but then the police came and take took me to the hospital. To this day, my depression is still so bad that I constantly think about ways to kill myself cause I'm just so exhausted. I've been going to counseling and taking meds to try and help, but nothing is working. I am constantly having thoughts and flashbacks from my PTSD due to the trauma I've been through, and nothing helps to take it all away, except sometimes self-harming myself, but I just want to die so I no longer have to be in pain anymore.
...Well, I guess that concludes this story. If you got this far, I'm glad that you read it and got to know me a little bit of what I've been through, and where I'm at now.
TW: Rape and abuse mentioned
So, starting at the age of three, I was sexually abused by my "step dad." This happened after Halloween one year I remember (I think the abuse started before that though and I just don't remember), he made me give him a BJ just to get some Halloween candy, and I was three, so I didn't really understand obviously. I don't really remember my childhood eathier, probably cause of all the abuse I went through. My twin sister got into a accident (run over by a semi-truck) the day after our 6th birthday, and when I was seven, I got thrown into foster care, going to five different foster homes within a year (from the age of seven to age eight), and they were traumatic one after another. When I was eight, my aunt had actually taken guardianship. When I went to school, I was bullied every day (in grade school, middle school, and high school). Again, I don't really remember my childhood cause of all the abuse. When I was with my aunt growing up, I was verbally abused, emotionally abused, and physically abused, and I started to "act out," so she took me to multiple doctors to get me diagnosed. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and given meds to help, but they didn't work cause that's not what I had. I found later that I have really bad PTSD, anxiety disorder, and severe depression, and on top of that, I am also Autistic too. After I graduated from High School, I left my aunt's place, and I lived with roommate's who ended up being verbally abusive towards me too, so I ended up at homeless shelter's. I ended up going back to my aunt's place later for a couple weeks, then I ended up being raped by a "friend" I had known since the third grade (we were off and on again friends). We had gone to a church function to hang out with some friends, and cause I didn't want to go back to my aunt's place, I ended up staying at his place for the night, which was obviously a big mistake. I was already half asleep when he was doing this, so I wasn't fully conscious or aware of what was happening, but he ended up raping me (as well as using his fingers inside, taking pictures of me without clothes on, and taking my hand and putting it on his penis). I continue to have flashbacks from this, and cause of the rape, I ended up getting pregnant from him, and contemplated aborting, but I had wanted a baby so bad that I carried her full term and had her for the first 2-3 months of her life before it was just really hard on me cause she looked like him, and she was a constant reminder of what had happened to me. He's in prison now (only got five years) at least. About a year later, I met someone and went to live with him for about two years before I got pregnant again by him, and he didn't want to be with me after I got pregnant, so we both left. I came back to where I am now, set up doctor's appointments, and had my baby boy, which I had with me in custody until he was almost two cause my mental health and depression got so bad, and I ended up homeless and in a shelter with him. After I lost him to his father, my depression got worse, and I tried to commit suicide by slicing my wrists with razor blades, but then the police came and take took me to the hospital. To this day, my depression is still so bad that I constantly think about ways to kill myself cause I'm just so exhausted. I've been going to counseling and taking meds to try and help, but nothing is working. I am constantly having thoughts and flashbacks from my PTSD due to the trauma I've been through, and nothing helps to take it all away, except sometimes self-harming myself, but I just want to die so I no longer have to be in pain anymore.
...Well, I guess that concludes this story. If you got this far, I'm glad that you read it and got to know me a little bit of what I've been through, and where I'm at now.
