Blueberry Panic
October will cure me
- Jan 5, 2025
- 1,294
I'm not giving names or anything, I'll just describe people or explain roles and that's about it. It's probably going to be a hard read because my life has been chaos.
My mom and dad never got married, me and my twin were born to two mentally ill parents . They tried to be a couple but my dad always had control issues and would hit me and my brother even as infants. The brusies on both of us were enough for my mom to want to get away from my dad... she would always ask my family to help with us because... my mom had no idea what she was doing. Both her and my dad were the same age as I am now ... oblivious to the responsibilities of parenting. 4 years into being a single parent my mom had had enough of us so she decided to put us up for adoption but my dad and my great aunt wouldn't have it , there was a few custody herrings and because my mom had proof that our dad had hit us ... we ended up with our great aunt. The compromise was that we see our mom one weekend and our dad on the next weekend... which made growing up difficult... between 3 different households.
My great aunt was a religious zealot, she forced ever ounce of her baptist faith on me and my brother. We would be at church more so then we would be a school st some points.
I barely remember most of my early elementary school days , my brain blocks out a lot of the memories during that time.
She immediately put me and my brother into therapy and we both got a early diagnosis of ADHD but little did they know how that diagnosis would fuck with my brain .
At 10, I was molested and raped repetitively by a youth pastor who was in charge of preschool through 5th grade at the church I attended. He had taken every ounce of innocence from me at such a young age ... I told people in the church including my own family but no one believed me , they turned me into the villain . They told me I was a story teller and what made me come up with such disgusting narratives...no one cared about it ... and soon all of it was forgotten about except by me.
I started to hurt myself in response to all the sadness I felt. I would take shards of glass,nails and stolen razors to cut myself. I was scared and alone and I attempted a few months later ... I jumped from the balcony of my Great Great Grandmother's house. It was a two story building and I was 10... so of course all It did was sprain both of my legs and it left a medium sized bruise on my rear.
I continued on with life not trusting anyone and trying my best to keep friendships that obviously wouldn't last. I would always wear jackets and hoodies to hide my scars and to hide myself from everyone. I hated myself so much and that hatred turned into a rage that I took out on others. I became attached to people easily and when they became distant I would spiral... didn't matter age or gender... I would always end up back in my head... loathing my existence.
At 12 I did a small amount of "research" and decided to try my hand at drugs . I stole some benadryl from a store and took way more then I should have . It scared the fuck out of me at the time because of how much it hurt me mentally. It felt like a rock bottom I didn't want..
I reevaluated myself and tried just being a kid ... but it didn't last long.
At 13 I met a girl who became a "amazing friend"... she got me into smoking and into weed. She would sneak pills from her brother and would just explain what they'd do and I wouldnt question popping them. I did everything from Percocet and Xanax to DXM and Adderall. I started to do worse in school and at this point I had become the problem child for my great aunt.
I'm sure she eventually caught on that I was high a lot but it never seemed like she cared until she finally saw my self harm scars.
She got me a therapist along side my previously mentioned psychiatrist...
This therapist was a amazing man... he actually listened and actually always gave good feedback to everything I had to say.
I eventually told him that I was a woman and that I didn't know how to go about transitioning... he helped me start the process of transitioning.
Shortly around this time I was introduced to alcohol by my father . As long as it was at his place he didn't care how much a drank . So I'd convince him to buy me beer, vodka, rum ,tequila and whiskey... he never gave in and stopped me . Guess he thought he was being a great dad because I'd always ask to spend the weekend with him instead of my mom.
At 15 I mixed xanax with some vodka in a attempt and was saved after my friends brother came in and called a ambulance.
... I convinced the doctor that I wanst suicidal that I was just a ... young and stupid addict (which I was).
After that attempt, I wasn't allowed to see my friend anymore and I was watched a lot more closely by my great aunt.
I'd just get high at school... developed a tolerance and was actually able to function .
I would sell drugs to kids and I was never caught even to this day I wonder how .
My great aunt had a accident and was put on oxycontin for her pain... I stole so much of it . Became addicted during my junior and senior years of high school.
Because of this i barely made it out of high school ... grade wise I was below average and wasn't going anywhere in life.
I got a shitty job after graduation , I hated it a lot but I did what I could managing it with drug usage ... and with drug usage comes different drugs ... stronger drugs. I met this woman who I fell in love with easily and we developed a relationship that involved self destruction and getting shit face and getting high. I dove into meth,coke , lsd , shrooms ,and sometimes... I didn't even ask what I was given... because I didn't care. We would check into hotels and get fucked up with some of her friends ... dealers and other addicts . I would pay with sex... and she'd watch..
At this time I was raped ... several times but I couldn't tell you how many times because I honestly don't remember.
One day after a long night alone with her we decided to do heroin together... she talked me into it really well and I was a stupid impulsive piece of shit. It was the best high I had ever had and ... I didn't know what was going on around me ... but she had taken some and she ended up overdosed in the bathroom ... she died leaning up against the bathtub.
I called a friend to help me figure out what to do once I sobered up. I just remembered that I was crying almost nonstop after seeing her and checking for a pulse...
She had a kid...and in my head I was the reason she didn't have a mom anymore.
I feel like this was the big turning point in my life that made me so much more suicidal. I oded and was narcaned a few times ... every od felt like I was in heaven...
I tried getting high more and more and ended up in the psych ward for the first time in my life.
Absolutely hated the experience because I started going through withdrawals that felt like the Ultra Flu.
I ended up getting fired and at that point I got clean . I had help from a friend from high school who I eventually started dating . I became emotionally attached... I said somethings and it split us apart.
I was kicked out and I lived with my dad for a time. I started drinking a lot more and became a asshole to everyone I knew.
I cut everyone off and just drank everyday.
I was soon kicked out again and I was basically tossed around family for a bit. I eventually did classes to be a nursing assistant and I worked in health care during the pandemic. I then took classes to be a assistant mortician . Saw some traumatic shit everyday but became numb to it all. This was probably the most calm part mentally I had I my life... and it was watching people die... and cutting up their bodies.
I never found any peace in what I was doing and I started hearing voices and seeing things that weren't there. I didn't know how much longer I could take this job ... but I didn't have to worry much longer because I was laid off.
I found a stocking job and made a online friend (because I cut off all my irl friends). I was cutting a lot but besides that I was clean from drugs so I decided to try to see what I could do about my transition.... with encouragement from my friend I started HRT. It was amazing , I finally felt whole for once in my life... it felt like the one thing I was missing in my life. This online friend became a online relationship but it never went anywhere because of distance. We stayed in contact and still talk every other day .
But after a year ... all of the shit from the hospital finally caught up to me and I was cutting and attempting again. I hung myself from a shower rod and was found turning a shade of purple... and I ended up in the psych ward.
I was finally diagnosed with bpd and ptsd
I met a guy in the ward who I instantly developed a crush on . We had met briefly before long time ago but I doubt he remembered me.
He was now a guy ... a trans man and I was now a trans woman...
Being pumped full of happy pills we actually got along extremely well ... he'd write poems and I'd draw him the crazy shit that I hallucinate.
He was in the ward for hanging as well... he..... was the most depressed man ive ever known and it pains me a lot to say it now.
We gave each other our contact info and became partners once we got out of the hospital. We'd get drunk and do drugs together... have sex.. you know basic depression relationship shit. A relationship built on suicide...
He showed me so much of his life , so much of his past and how he ended up the way he was.
He was heavily into benadryl and because of my bpd mirroring I started trying to outdo him . I had weeks of full blown delirium not knowing where I was or what was real. He asked me to marry him... amd I said yes...but
he eventually had a bad attempt and was taken into the ward again. I was alone with my addiction so I kept taking and taking .... and mixing drugs .
He got out and he wasn't the same ever again. He had a deep sadness to him now , he was distant and not always himself.
He eventually went days without contact and I showed up at his house begging him to talk to me... I threatened him with a welfare check leading him to finally answer. He was in the worst state I'd ever seen him in ... I knew the expression well from the many different people I'd known who had attempted suicide in the er ... and the many patients I had seen in the ward... and even in my own face in the mirror.
I offered up the idea to die together. He wasn't enthusiastic about it but I convinced him ... and we took a cocktail of mixed pills with vodka .
We didn't succeed.
We both had seizures and puked everywhere . I had disjointed thoughts and left him alone after the od a few hours later... I was fucked up but I made it home.
He took his life that night, hung himself like he wanted to do ...
His death left a hole in me.
I attempted 15 different times the month he died.
I cut a vein in my arm and started to bleed out before I was found.
I hung myself unsuccessfully many different times.
I overdosed on all of the medications I was prescribed...
I took 3000mg of Benadryl and was taken to the hospital as my heart was stopping . I ended up flatlining but I was saved ...
I was back in the ward... without a care if I got better or not.
I stopped taking as much benadryl after that ...
I joined this forum and tried to find ways to end my life without making anymore mistakes... but it's not that simple.
Ended up finding a piece of shit rebound boyfriend who ended up raping me ... and he had the nerve to end the relationship because I was "suicidal"...smh
I then met a woman who ... took me under her wing and helped me try to get my life back together but... I was beyond fixing at that point.
I was trying so hard to be what she wanted but caved into my addictions at every turn... trying to be poly didn't work either ... it just drove us farther apart ... I was constantly being put in the hospital.... constantly making attempts... and eventually she gave up on us....but I never did ... she's never going to know the lengths I went through just to try and get back together.
I hope she knows that I'm sorry because I know she's going to eventually read this ... whether that be as soon as it's posted or after I'm gone... I'm sorry I fucked up our relationship .
During this time I was in a online relationship with @Lily6759 , she lived in New Zealand and I was trying a lot to get a visa and live with her... but I wasn't enough and the wait for everything to go through was far too long for her .... we still talked but she had her sights set onto @RoseGirl
In these last few months I've maintained myself by staying sober and not hurting myself. But I've made several attempts including Hanging and the two PC SN attempts (don't take PC SN).
I learned of @Lily6759 passing through @RoseGirl and I saw her slowly destroy herself until she eventually took her life aswell.
It's become apparent that no matter what I do I'm always going to stuck in my depression and in my suicidal ways. Nothing can fix me and nothing can stop me from wanting death.
Because at this point I have more friends and partners who have died over the ones who are still alive.
I don't care if my death hurts , I don't care how long and drawn out it is ... as long as it happens I'll be finally happy.
This is my final post , thank you so much for reading and keeping up with me through this year. It's been the worst year of my life and I can't wait for it to end. It's been a pleasure...
-Hela"Blueberry Panic"
Sorry for Grammer and shit I'm not exactly all here today
My mom and dad never got married, me and my twin were born to two mentally ill parents . They tried to be a couple but my dad always had control issues and would hit me and my brother even as infants. The brusies on both of us were enough for my mom to want to get away from my dad... she would always ask my family to help with us because... my mom had no idea what she was doing. Both her and my dad were the same age as I am now ... oblivious to the responsibilities of parenting. 4 years into being a single parent my mom had had enough of us so she decided to put us up for adoption but my dad and my great aunt wouldn't have it , there was a few custody herrings and because my mom had proof that our dad had hit us ... we ended up with our great aunt. The compromise was that we see our mom one weekend and our dad on the next weekend... which made growing up difficult... between 3 different households.
My great aunt was a religious zealot, she forced ever ounce of her baptist faith on me and my brother. We would be at church more so then we would be a school st some points.
I barely remember most of my early elementary school days , my brain blocks out a lot of the memories during that time.
She immediately put me and my brother into therapy and we both got a early diagnosis of ADHD but little did they know how that diagnosis would fuck with my brain .
At 10, I was molested and raped repetitively by a youth pastor who was in charge of preschool through 5th grade at the church I attended. He had taken every ounce of innocence from me at such a young age ... I told people in the church including my own family but no one believed me , they turned me into the villain . They told me I was a story teller and what made me come up with such disgusting narratives...no one cared about it ... and soon all of it was forgotten about except by me.
I started to hurt myself in response to all the sadness I felt. I would take shards of glass,nails and stolen razors to cut myself. I was scared and alone and I attempted a few months later ... I jumped from the balcony of my Great Great Grandmother's house. It was a two story building and I was 10... so of course all It did was sprain both of my legs and it left a medium sized bruise on my rear.
I continued on with life not trusting anyone and trying my best to keep friendships that obviously wouldn't last. I would always wear jackets and hoodies to hide my scars and to hide myself from everyone. I hated myself so much and that hatred turned into a rage that I took out on others. I became attached to people easily and when they became distant I would spiral... didn't matter age or gender... I would always end up back in my head... loathing my existence.
At 12 I did a small amount of "research" and decided to try my hand at drugs . I stole some benadryl from a store and took way more then I should have . It scared the fuck out of me at the time because of how much it hurt me mentally. It felt like a rock bottom I didn't want..
I reevaluated myself and tried just being a kid ... but it didn't last long.
At 13 I met a girl who became a "amazing friend"... she got me into smoking and into weed. She would sneak pills from her brother and would just explain what they'd do and I wouldnt question popping them. I did everything from Percocet and Xanax to DXM and Adderall. I started to do worse in school and at this point I had become the problem child for my great aunt.
I'm sure she eventually caught on that I was high a lot but it never seemed like she cared until she finally saw my self harm scars.
She got me a therapist along side my previously mentioned psychiatrist...
This therapist was a amazing man... he actually listened and actually always gave good feedback to everything I had to say.
I eventually told him that I was a woman and that I didn't know how to go about transitioning... he helped me start the process of transitioning.
Shortly around this time I was introduced to alcohol by my father . As long as it was at his place he didn't care how much a drank . So I'd convince him to buy me beer, vodka, rum ,tequila and whiskey... he never gave in and stopped me . Guess he thought he was being a great dad because I'd always ask to spend the weekend with him instead of my mom.
At 15 I mixed xanax with some vodka in a attempt and was saved after my friends brother came in and called a ambulance.
... I convinced the doctor that I wanst suicidal that I was just a ... young and stupid addict (which I was).
After that attempt, I wasn't allowed to see my friend anymore and I was watched a lot more closely by my great aunt.
I'd just get high at school... developed a tolerance and was actually able to function .
I would sell drugs to kids and I was never caught even to this day I wonder how .
My great aunt had a accident and was put on oxycontin for her pain... I stole so much of it . Became addicted during my junior and senior years of high school.
Because of this i barely made it out of high school ... grade wise I was below average and wasn't going anywhere in life.
I got a shitty job after graduation , I hated it a lot but I did what I could managing it with drug usage ... and with drug usage comes different drugs ... stronger drugs. I met this woman who I fell in love with easily and we developed a relationship that involved self destruction and getting shit face and getting high. I dove into meth,coke , lsd , shrooms ,and sometimes... I didn't even ask what I was given... because I didn't care. We would check into hotels and get fucked up with some of her friends ... dealers and other addicts . I would pay with sex... and she'd watch..
At this time I was raped ... several times but I couldn't tell you how many times because I honestly don't remember.
One day after a long night alone with her we decided to do heroin together... she talked me into it really well and I was a stupid impulsive piece of shit. It was the best high I had ever had and ... I didn't know what was going on around me ... but she had taken some and she ended up overdosed in the bathroom ... she died leaning up against the bathtub.
I called a friend to help me figure out what to do once I sobered up. I just remembered that I was crying almost nonstop after seeing her and checking for a pulse...
She had a kid...and in my head I was the reason she didn't have a mom anymore.
I feel like this was the big turning point in my life that made me so much more suicidal. I oded and was narcaned a few times ... every od felt like I was in heaven...
I tried getting high more and more and ended up in the psych ward for the first time in my life.
Absolutely hated the experience because I started going through withdrawals that felt like the Ultra Flu.
I ended up getting fired and at that point I got clean . I had help from a friend from high school who I eventually started dating . I became emotionally attached... I said somethings and it split us apart.
I was kicked out and I lived with my dad for a time. I started drinking a lot more and became a asshole to everyone I knew.
I cut everyone off and just drank everyday.
I was soon kicked out again and I was basically tossed around family for a bit. I eventually did classes to be a nursing assistant and I worked in health care during the pandemic. I then took classes to be a assistant mortician . Saw some traumatic shit everyday but became numb to it all. This was probably the most calm part mentally I had I my life... and it was watching people die... and cutting up their bodies.
I never found any peace in what I was doing and I started hearing voices and seeing things that weren't there. I didn't know how much longer I could take this job ... but I didn't have to worry much longer because I was laid off.
I found a stocking job and made a online friend (because I cut off all my irl friends). I was cutting a lot but besides that I was clean from drugs so I decided to try to see what I could do about my transition.... with encouragement from my friend I started HRT. It was amazing , I finally felt whole for once in my life... it felt like the one thing I was missing in my life. This online friend became a online relationship but it never went anywhere because of distance. We stayed in contact and still talk every other day .
But after a year ... all of the shit from the hospital finally caught up to me and I was cutting and attempting again. I hung myself from a shower rod and was found turning a shade of purple... and I ended up in the psych ward.
I was finally diagnosed with bpd and ptsd
I met a guy in the ward who I instantly developed a crush on . We had met briefly before long time ago but I doubt he remembered me.
He was now a guy ... a trans man and I was now a trans woman...
Being pumped full of happy pills we actually got along extremely well ... he'd write poems and I'd draw him the crazy shit that I hallucinate.
He was in the ward for hanging as well... he..... was the most depressed man ive ever known and it pains me a lot to say it now.
We gave each other our contact info and became partners once we got out of the hospital. We'd get drunk and do drugs together... have sex.. you know basic depression relationship shit. A relationship built on suicide...
He showed me so much of his life , so much of his past and how he ended up the way he was.
He was heavily into benadryl and because of my bpd mirroring I started trying to outdo him . I had weeks of full blown delirium not knowing where I was or what was real. He asked me to marry him... amd I said yes...but
he eventually had a bad attempt and was taken into the ward again. I was alone with my addiction so I kept taking and taking .... and mixing drugs .
He got out and he wasn't the same ever again. He had a deep sadness to him now , he was distant and not always himself.
He eventually went days without contact and I showed up at his house begging him to talk to me... I threatened him with a welfare check leading him to finally answer. He was in the worst state I'd ever seen him in ... I knew the expression well from the many different people I'd known who had attempted suicide in the er ... and the many patients I had seen in the ward... and even in my own face in the mirror.
I offered up the idea to die together. He wasn't enthusiastic about it but I convinced him ... and we took a cocktail of mixed pills with vodka .
We didn't succeed.
We both had seizures and puked everywhere . I had disjointed thoughts and left him alone after the od a few hours later... I was fucked up but I made it home.
He took his life that night, hung himself like he wanted to do ...
His death left a hole in me.
I attempted 15 different times the month he died.
I cut a vein in my arm and started to bleed out before I was found.
I hung myself unsuccessfully many different times.
I overdosed on all of the medications I was prescribed...
I took 3000mg of Benadryl and was taken to the hospital as my heart was stopping . I ended up flatlining but I was saved ...
I was back in the ward... without a care if I got better or not.
I stopped taking as much benadryl after that ...
I joined this forum and tried to find ways to end my life without making anymore mistakes... but it's not that simple.
Ended up finding a piece of shit rebound boyfriend who ended up raping me ... and he had the nerve to end the relationship because I was "suicidal"...smh
I then met a woman who ... took me under her wing and helped me try to get my life back together but... I was beyond fixing at that point.
I was trying so hard to be what she wanted but caved into my addictions at every turn... trying to be poly didn't work either ... it just drove us farther apart ... I was constantly being put in the hospital.... constantly making attempts... and eventually she gave up on us....but I never did ... she's never going to know the lengths I went through just to try and get back together.
I hope she knows that I'm sorry because I know she's going to eventually read this ... whether that be as soon as it's posted or after I'm gone... I'm sorry I fucked up our relationship .
During this time I was in a online relationship with @Lily6759 , she lived in New Zealand and I was trying a lot to get a visa and live with her... but I wasn't enough and the wait for everything to go through was far too long for her .... we still talked but she had her sights set onto @RoseGirl
In these last few months I've maintained myself by staying sober and not hurting myself. But I've made several attempts including Hanging and the two PC SN attempts (don't take PC SN).
I learned of @Lily6759 passing through @RoseGirl and I saw her slowly destroy herself until she eventually took her life aswell.
It's become apparent that no matter what I do I'm always going to stuck in my depression and in my suicidal ways. Nothing can fix me and nothing can stop me from wanting death.
Because at this point I have more friends and partners who have died over the ones who are still alive.
I don't care if my death hurts , I don't care how long and drawn out it is ... as long as it happens I'll be finally happy.
This is my final post , thank you so much for reading and keeping up with me through this year. It's been the worst year of my life and I can't wait for it to end. It's been a pleasure...
-Hela"Blueberry Panic"
Sorry for Grammer and shit I'm not exactly all here today
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