Venting my life story at 18

[inviro04]

this is not the first time i have been close to suicide, i remember even thinking often about it when i was 11, but just simple thoughts like 'wish i didnt feel this anymore'.
when i was 3 years old my brother [7 years older] started to touch me sexually and this continued horrifically and even escalated to it happening outside in a mall, in a car, on holiday and in the last 5 houses we lived, for 7 years until i was 9 in elementary school and told my mother randomly, i cannot remember much of how i got to the conclusion that it wasnt normal or what i was thinking, i was alone a lot at that age and he was skipping school upstairs. when i told them which just led to my parents treating him bad for a week and then needing to pretend that nothing happened while visiting our family overseas and acting like happy siblings, i dont remember that holiday, when we came back it all is a blir but we were moving to another town close by after i finished elementary school, but my only company for years, my cat, got knocked over, so when we moved in the house i am still now, it was like a freah start, but it felt more like a forced one, the only measures my parents took was that my brother was not alone with me (which they allowed after a year and they didnt even think about it anymore.
i am talking too much about not important details, but this is the first time i ever wrote it all down, i remember being desperate and lonely writing this to strangers online and them skipping me or feeling weird about oversharing (which it is), but this website makes me believe that at least one person will read this.
so i kept having dreams in this house thinking the abuse kept going on, it wasnt me as a child it was me in that time aging at the same time, so since my parents and brother kept acting normal i also did, and it even worked for a few years i think, i did think of it and i still was weird in comparison to my friends. i failed to mention i did have one friend since 8 years of age, she was and will be my bestes friend, she knew everything about me and loved me like a sister.
i am shocked how much one can type here...
so yes time skip to 2020, i went to a party with A friend i made up with after not talking in a year, she took me to a party where i had a glass of wine (at 15 i live in europe) and then blackout, someone which i still dont know til this day spiked my drink and the guy started taking my hand and using it to please him but i couldnt move i was like a corpse that could see what was happening but then i apparently started puking and time skip A friend wrote to my brother that i was puking and locked in the toilet so they wouldn't need to deal with me, so he got a friend since he doesnt have a license to pick me up, my religious mom thought i was drunk out of my mind so she pushed me around and was pissed.
i told them how much i drank the next morning timeskip i got a drugtest ehich prooved it and went to the police, but a month later i got a letter that everyone said i was lying and they all made me out to be a whore, tbh the whole thing wasnt that bad, but my life after this went emotionally downhill, since this happened in covid.
i suddenly started hating my brother and not being able to look at him and crying all the time, he just made me feel even worse, so for the first time my parents took me to therapy and told my brother he should move out, which he did. but my muslim mom only let me go 3 and the first time she was with me. she said i was only getting more depressed and it was expensive.
i dropped out of school in 2021 and had a few months before i went to art school to have fun, i made a lot of new friends and even took drugs, i had smoked weed with A friend when we were younger, but now i tried other ones too, which just made me depressed. i forgot to mention after 2020 i stopped having crushes and never did anything intimate again, my friends say i am asexual but i beg to differ, and probably more than 6 months ago my brother moved back in since he broke up with his gf.
now every night without fail if i am at home he is up all night gaming and laughing is ass off, i hate it.
i hate seeing him, i hate his smell, i hate how he is also always up very late, i hate when my cats touch him, i hate using the same bathroom as him and seeing his hair everywhere, i hate how i dont work and when he offers me something i like i accept it, like tears of the kingdom the new game that comes out soon, i wouldnt be able to have this without him. fuck my life man.
i hate it all, i remember once when i was soing very bad, i heard my mom screaming at him downstairs to go apologize to me so he was like "ughh why do i have to?" and then i closed my door in shock like no please leave me alone i dont want to hear this, heard her screaming some more and then silence and suddenly knocking on my door, there he stood i dont remember looking at his face but he said " sorry for what i did to you, do you forgive me ?" i said yes and just wanted him to go out of my room, so he wanted a hug, it was the most disgusting hug i ever had.
one of my best male friends used to play magic with him before he knew me, he is this 16 year old guy and when we were high on drugs i told him whag my brother did to me, and it felt nice that finally one person who knew him, knew the real him, insted of this kind persona everyone has.
sorry its so long but i have so much i want to tell.
so my point it i havent been going to my art college anymore and i am pretty much fucked, i applied for 2/3 apprenticeships and only got denied, i dont want to live here anymore and i dont have any other way, so i will enjoy my summer which is coming up and then fucking die, like i wanted to
thanks for reading if anyone has
god this is so difficult to read, i just wrote this up while sitting on the toilet very quickly sorry haha

 

[FuneralCry]

It's awful how humans create so much suffering in this world, life really is so unnecessarily cruel but anyway I wish you the best with your plans. It's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[SoftWorries]

I have a very similar story. The abuse from my brother. The rejection from my parents when I told them. Being victim blamed by people I thought were my friends.

So at 19 I moved across the country to a big city. I worked to pay for a room with a roommate. I took out loans and went to school in a good paying field. Lots of good and bad things happened but I didn't need to deal with the people in my hometown anymore.

Most of the people I knew in highschool stayed in my hometown or went to school in a larger city close by. Many had children young. Many got jobs in retail and food services. The artisty ones became baristas. My brother became a taxi driver. No one did much with their lives from what I can tell.

Even though the PTSD makes it hard to keep living sometimes I've had the best life of anyone I knew from that time. In the end none of them were important at all.

 

[inviro04]

I have a very similar story. The abuse from my brother. The rejection from my parents when I told them. Being victim blamed by people I thought were my friends.

So at 19 I moved across the country to a big city. I worked to pay for a room with a roommate. I took out loans and went to school in a good paying field. Lots of good and bad things happened but I didn't need to deal with the people in my hometown anymore.

Most of the people I knew in highschool stayed in my hometown or went to school in a larger city close by. Many had children young. Many got jobs in retail and food services. The artisty ones became baristas. My brother became a taxi driver. No one did much with their lives from what I can tell.

Even though the PTSD makes it hard to keep living sometimes I've had the best life of anyone I knew from that time. In the end none of them were important at all.

thank you for reading this-
the worst feeling i had is when someone doesnt believe something you muster up the courage to say and even something as intimate and shameful as incest,
i wish people were more compassionate
but my biggest wish is that we all had a button in the middle of our chest which we could press for shutting ourselves off forever

 

[Linda]

Thanks for posting here. I realise it must have been difficult. I can't fix your problems, but I can make a few suggestions. (1) Get out of the house you are in now if there is any way you can do that. Any way at all. (2) Get back to Art College. If they dont want you back, go see the boss there in person, explain that you have been having difficult times - basically tell him/her what you say in your post above (but tidy it up a bit, so it's easier to digest) - and ask if (s)he is willing, given the circumstances, to bend the rules and let you back in. Prepare very thoroughly before any such meeting, so you know exactly what you are going to say, and you have answers ready for any questions that (s)he may bring up. You may have to promise that if you do go back you won't abandon the course again, and if you give a promise like that make sure you stick to it. Doing otherwise would seriously damage your credibility, and that could dog you for years. (3) Concentrate on your work at Art College. That won't fix your problems either, but it will help take your mind off them, and will buy you some time. Once you are away from the toxic surroundings of your home, and are not thinking all the time about your problems, you may be able to find a way to start healing. Good luck.

 

[inviro04]

Thanks for posting here. I realise it must have been difficult. I can't fix your problems, but I can make a few suggestions. (1) Get out of the house you are in now if there is any way you can do that. Any way at all. (2) Get back to Art College. If they dont want you back, go see the boss there in person, explain that you have been having difficult times - basically tell him/her what you say in your post above (but tidy it up a bit, so it's easier to digest) - and ask if (s)he is willing, given the circumstances, to bend the rules and let you back in. Prepare very thoroughly before any such meeting, so you know exactly what you are going to say, and you have answers ready for any questions that (s)he may bring up. You may have to promise that if you do go back you won't abandon the course again, and if you give a promise like that make sure you stick to it. Doing otherwise would seriously damage your credibility, and that could dog you for years. (3) Concentrate on your work at Art College. That won't fix your problems either, but it will help take your mind off them, and will buy you some time. Once you are away from the toxic surroundings of your home, and are not thinking all the time about your problems, you may be able to find a way to start healing. Good luck.

i notice now... it really is a terrible read, i didn't want to reread it, but i guess i should have put in a bit more effort for this being my only intimate post anywhere ever hahahaaa. now i will try and type more readable.
your points would be great and extremely helpful if i hadn't already fucked up my results, you see... it is the sommer semester here which means in 3 weeks i am done with my college, it is pretty useless to go and beg them in a meeting if i can get my diploma eventhough i am a lazy loser idiot who fucked up with attendance :]
but i am very grateful for your suggestions, the reason i lost hope, is because to move out and even think of starting to get better i need money, which i just dont have.

 

[SoftWorries]

thank you for reading this-
the worst feeling i had is when someone doesnt believe something you muster up the courage to say and even something as intimate and shameful as incest,
i wish people were more compassionate
but my biggest wish is that we all had a button in the middle of our chest which we could press for shutting ourselves off forever

I understand you. People didn't believe me even when I showed them that I was covered in hand mark bruises from hands way bigger than my own.

Unfortunately so many people live very unconscious lives. They're like machines and if abuse does not compute they'll do any kind of mental leap away from it.

I can absolutely assure you those with that kind of mindset are unable to find happiness. They're cut off from their reasoning, empathy and emotions. Things don't end well for unconscious people drifting thoughtless through the world.

But it isn't everyone. The nice thing is good people tend to find eachother so once you've found one you might meet a whole string of valuable people.

It's just an unfortunate reality that it's hard to find until you have agency over your life which takes time.

I'm glad you're here and sharing your story. I think it's a gift to everyone else suffering for you to be here.

 

[inviro04]

I understand you. People didn't believe me even when I showed them that I was covered in hand mark bruises from hands way bigger than my own.

Unfortunately so many people live very unconscious lives. They're like machines and if abuse does not compute they'll do any kind of mental leap away from it.

I can absolutely assure you those with that kind of mindset are unable to find happiness. They're cut off from their reasoning, empathy and emotions. Things don't end well for unconscious people drifting thoughtless through the world.

But it isn't everyone. The nice thing is good people tend to find eachother so once you've found one you might meet a whole string of valuable people.

It's just an unfortunate reality that it's hard to find until you have agency over your life which takes time.

I'm glad you're here and sharing your story. I think it's a gift to everyone else suffering for you to be here.

i am speechless, how can i be a gift to people suffering? i have been feeling terribly lonely for half a year now, my friend which was always there for me since 8, i told her about my abuse before my mom, she is now no longer here, beacuse i betrayed her, so i was pretty sure that from most of my experiences, that telling my story mostly only affected people in my life negatively...
but i guess with strangers on the internet it wouldn't have the same outcome... maybe

i want to add, i wish you so much happiness and freedom of your pain from the past, you seem to have found the special people you are talking about, lots of love

 

[Bobert_Beniro]

I fully read your post, please accept my condolences. Sexual abuse is very traumatic for people, especially if it was in childhood, especially if it was incest. I have a friend who was sexually abused as a child and it still fucks his mental health. And many people who are already over 30 or 40 with tears in their eyes recall these events. Unfortunately, this world is unfair, someone lives a full happy life, and someone is subjected to family violence, which further affects their lives. It's strange that your parents didn't take you to a psychiatrist, did you go to him? I think you still have the opportunity to fix everything, start a new life

 

[Linda]

i notice now... it really is a terrible read, i didn't want to reread it, but i guess i should have put in a bit more effort for this being my only intimate post anywhere ever hahahaaa. now i will try and type more readable.
your points would be great and extremely helpful if i hadn't already fucked up my results, you see... it is the sommer semester here which means in 3 weeks i am done with my college, it is pretty useless to go and beg them in a meeting if i can get my diploma eventhough i am a lazy loser idiot who fucked up with attendance :]
but i am very grateful for your suggestions, the reason i lost hope, is because to move out and even think of starting to get better i need money, which i just dont have.

Sorry my suggestions don't fit your circumstances. Shall we try again? First of all, don't lose hope. Your situation is difficult but I don't think it's hopeless. Think through what options you have. All of them. Use your imagination. I can almost guarantee that if you do that you will see that there are more options than you have been assuming. Whether any of them are any good is another matter, of course. But you only need to find one that is a bit better than your present situation to be able to make a step forward. And don't be put off something just because it looks difficult. My experience has been that difficulties often fade away, or at least reduce, when you get to grips with them. Once again, good luck. (And if these suggestios are no better than the last lot, please accept my apologies.) Incidentally, I like the way you post (leaving asside stylistic issues, which don't matter here). To my eye, they indicate a person who has a future.

 

[SoftWorries]

i am speechless, how can i be a gift to people suffering? i have been feeling terribly lonely for half a year now, my friend which was always there for me since 8, i told her about my abuse before my mom, she is now no longer here, beacuse i betrayed her, so i was pretty sure that from most of my experiences, that telling my story mostly only affected people in my life negatively...
but i guess with strangers on the internet it wouldn't have the same outcome... maybe

i want to add, i wish you so much happiness and freedom of your pain from the past, you seem to have found the special people you are talking about, lots of love

It's a gift for you to be here sharing your story. You've shared so much so honestly and so well. In it I've seen my own suffering voiced and brought to the surface. Telling your story you brought my own story forward.

The people in your life have tried to silence you but instead you come on here and tell your story. That's incredible resilience.

I'm so sorry you've suffered and that it's so fresh for you.

It makes me feel love for the younger version of myself that was exactly where you are right now.
Through your vulnerability and honesty it makes me feel love for the part of myself I've silenced.

But when you tell your story it's like these parts of myself are refusing to be silenced anymore.
I'm so sorry people have made you feel like you weren't valuable. You are so valuable

Thank you for the happiness and freedom you've sent my way. I send back the same and lots and lots of love

 

[inviro04]

It's a gift for you to be here sharing your story. You've shared so much so honestly and so well. In it I've seen my own suffering voiced and brought to the surface. Telling your story you brought my own story forward.

The people in your life have tried to silence you but instead you come on here and tell your story. That's incredible resilience.

I'm so sorry you've suffered and that it's so fresh for you.

It makes me feel love for the younger version of myself that was exactly where you are right now.
Through your vulnerability and honesty it makes me feel love for the part of myself I've silenced.

But when you tell your story it's like these parts of myself are refusing to be silenced anymore.
I'm so sorry people have made you feel like you weren't valuable. You are so valuable

Thank you for the happiness and freedom you've sent my way. I send back the same and lots and lots of love

i dont know if its cause i am drunk but your messages makes me cry terribly i am so fucking thankful that i have you answering i am so fucking desperate

 

[inviro04]

I fully read your post, please accept my condolences. Sexual abuse is very traumatic for people, especially if it was in childhood, especially if it was incest. I have a friend who was sexually abused as a child and it still fucks his mental health. And many people who are already over 30 or 40 with tears in their eyes recall these events. Unfortunately, this world is unfair, someone lives a full happy life, and someone is subjected to family violence, which further affects their lives. It's strange that your parents didn't take you to a psychiatrist, did you go to him? I think you still have the opportunity to fix everything, start a new life

hey
so i was at a therapy about 2 years ago, but my mother removd me since i was not getting better and shutting myself even more off, ( it coated 100€ per session not healthcare paid sadly)
i even got desperate and dialed the crisis number for children in crisis at one point,
but noone picked up since it probably didn't have poeple working shifts for it
(don't think it is government funded or even if very little) so then i thought 'guess i am alone noone will help me' and my mom even sent me "duas' (islamic prayers) against depression and more but none worked-
i added one dua which she sent me, it just hurt me more when she sent this and a few more which i sadly cannot back-up
i cant take this man, why won't my parents help me
they notice my pain, but won't so anything, they rather talk about me having an irregular sleep schedule or bad grades or an eating disorder or adhd but never want to help me for my one and only pain