I am mentally so fucking fucked up. Today was my free day and I ruminated so much about a girl in college. I barely know her, she probably considers me not sane because I acted very weird and I could lose interest in her after a short time if we talked like 5 minutes to each other. My thoughts are just insane. They vary from hope, anger, shame because I acted very weird and kind of psychotic then again sorrows etc. It just repeats and repeats. All this nasty cycle. Such patterns were similar with former crushes of mine. Especially the first interaction is horrendous. I could do some damage repair in the past but I won't have any long conversation with her presumably. I have soon exams and I try to relax. But my brain is just not meant to be relaxed. Always is shit going on in my mind. Always something haunts me and induces extreme anxiety and worries. I imagine a future with her despite the fact I barely know anything of her. I try to comfort me with that. Even if I ruined it well it is unlikely we would have fitted together. They last crush was similar and after I knew her better I lost the interest completely.
The shame is sometimes very hard to cope with. I get worked up with it pretty hard. The incident was 6 months ago and she probably forgot it a little bit. I soon see her again and I will try to act like nothing happened.
Okay after this part I come to another point. I am a young somewhat intelligent man in my mid twenties. I should have plans and goals for the future. I should experience intimate moments with women, maybe go to parties, enjoy life, pursuing my career, becoming independent etc. In most of these instances the complete opposite is true. My nervous system is just really really fucked due to childhood abuse. If I just remind myself of all these torturous thoughts that I had on my fucking free day I conclude I am just a wreck. Recently a friend of mine in college asked me how I was doing. Usually I lie but he wanted to know the truth. I told him like 15% of what is going on and he was kind of shocked about it. I mean the last semesters were even way worse. The current life quality that I had within the last years is probably the best time of my remaining life time. There are so many unsolvable problems. I will one day look back at the current time and will say at least I had some naive hopes for a better future. My life quality is fucking shit. And the worst is yet to come.
I have binged the whole fucking day news or science articles. Moreover some youtube videos. This is basically my whole life. I have some friends and I play some video games. But there is something wrongly connected in my brain. I think I just don't feel an overstimulation of my brain with cognitive activities. I think this is one reason why I can write so much here in this forum on a daily basis. I am constantly ruminating about something and most of the thoughts are very negative towards myself. I can somewhat exploit some pathologies of mine. I am obsessed what other people think of me and when I remind myself of moments where I impressed people this can feel pretty good. Though such a way of living is pretty shallow and meaningless. I really struggle to give me breaks. I think the amount of my thoughts is compared to most other people completely insane. (this does not imply these thoughts were particularly sophisticated).
I don't know how other consciousness feel like but I think my vegetative nervous system is completely fucked up. I take so many downers to slow me down. I am scared that this is the inner logic of bipolar disorders that they simply inevitably repeat in cycles. I think I gonna kill myself after the next breakdown. The longer I can postpone a breakdown the better are my chances. To be honest I don't have much that keeps me going in case I relapse. I tried what I have wanted to try. Life spit me in the face more than a couple of times. I hope I find a new psychiatrist that supports me with this kamikaze strategy that addicttive medication keep me somewhat stable.
On the surface one might think my life had some prospects though this is very superficial. My grades at college are completely worthless. I am not able to hold a job. Others at college talk about their dreams in life and career prospects. I work harder than 95% of my peers basically for nothing. My best friend at college once was concerned whether I have a life outside of college. And he is damn right I don't have any. I think in the holidays I will binge everyday at least 6-10 hours articles to accumulate knowledge. It is so fucking useless. My real best friend (not from college) told me I have a different understanding of hobbies than most other people. My hobbies must have a utility I am usually not doing things just for fun and this is kind of true. I prefer my obsessions, pathologies over being happy. Because honestly I barely am happy no matter what I do.
On the longrun I really don't see another outcome than suicide for me. My takes on recovery might annoy some people but I just try to apply my own approach to life to other people. I don't think suicide is a good solution for me though it is probably the least bad option of all the bad options. I try and tried shit to get better. I have done incredibly much within the last 7 years to get better. Though I don't see any likely scenario that does not result in my suicide. I am a completely broken person. Let's be honest the society does not give a shit about people like me. Suicide hotlines are useless for me. I don't need someone who listens to my sorrows. I need real substantial help. Even therapy does not really fix it. I needed cash, a good home to live in, safety and a good environment to live in. Welfare does not offer that. I won't accept poverty. Even if wanted to endure that I think I would change my mind after 5 days. I am deeply reliant on the help of others. If my mom dies (she recently had a stroke) I am out of here pretty quickly. There is no good reason to keep this shit going. My life quality is shit, my future prospects are shit, I am unhappy as fuck and if the society does not want to give me substantial help. Well they can go fuck themselves. They can pretend to care about vulnerabe people all day long and act like suicides all are pretty damn tragdies of people who were just delusionally desperate. That if they reached out their life could have been saved. I am far far beyond that point. I know all the arguments of therapists, religions, philosophies on suicide. I don't consider suicide a good solution. Though I see rationally not really something that could force me to play that cynic game for more decades.
I have some hope for new liberal assisted suicide laws in my country. I think I am a pretty good case that proves that mental illness can torture someone no matter how many therapies one tries. The new proposal sounds surprisingly good. If my parents died I would choose that option as fast as possible. To apply for it while my parents were alive would be pretty difficult they can basically blackmail me by withholding their support. I have some hope for a peaceful death. Though the anti-assisted suicide lobby is very strong in my country. The decision will probably be this summer in the coming month. I hope that they will make the process for free. I don't have fucking 10.000 euros for a peaceful death. Where are if even death is not for free. Lol. It will probably hard to apply for because I had a psychosis. If they reject me I still could go with SN. Maybe the length of this thread is another concerning warning signal for my mental health. Though this is not really a temporary crisis this is my whole fucking life since more than a fucking decade.
The shame is sometimes very hard to cope with. I get worked up with it pretty hard. The incident was 6 months ago and she probably forgot it a little bit. I soon see her again and I will try to act like nothing happened.
Okay after this part I come to another point. I am a young somewhat intelligent man in my mid twenties. I should have plans and goals for the future. I should experience intimate moments with women, maybe go to parties, enjoy life, pursuing my career, becoming independent etc. In most of these instances the complete opposite is true. My nervous system is just really really fucked due to childhood abuse. If I just remind myself of all these torturous thoughts that I had on my fucking free day I conclude I am just a wreck. Recently a friend of mine in college asked me how I was doing. Usually I lie but he wanted to know the truth. I told him like 15% of what is going on and he was kind of shocked about it. I mean the last semesters were even way worse. The current life quality that I had within the last years is probably the best time of my remaining life time. There are so many unsolvable problems. I will one day look back at the current time and will say at least I had some naive hopes for a better future. My life quality is fucking shit. And the worst is yet to come.
I have binged the whole fucking day news or science articles. Moreover some youtube videos. This is basically my whole life. I have some friends and I play some video games. But there is something wrongly connected in my brain. I think I just don't feel an overstimulation of my brain with cognitive activities. I think this is one reason why I can write so much here in this forum on a daily basis. I am constantly ruminating about something and most of the thoughts are very negative towards myself. I can somewhat exploit some pathologies of mine. I am obsessed what other people think of me and when I remind myself of moments where I impressed people this can feel pretty good. Though such a way of living is pretty shallow and meaningless. I really struggle to give me breaks. I think the amount of my thoughts is compared to most other people completely insane. (this does not imply these thoughts were particularly sophisticated).
I don't know how other consciousness feel like but I think my vegetative nervous system is completely fucked up. I take so many downers to slow me down. I am scared that this is the inner logic of bipolar disorders that they simply inevitably repeat in cycles. I think I gonna kill myself after the next breakdown. The longer I can postpone a breakdown the better are my chances. To be honest I don't have much that keeps me going in case I relapse. I tried what I have wanted to try. Life spit me in the face more than a couple of times. I hope I find a new psychiatrist that supports me with this kamikaze strategy that addicttive medication keep me somewhat stable.
On the surface one might think my life had some prospects though this is very superficial. My grades at college are completely worthless. I am not able to hold a job. Others at college talk about their dreams in life and career prospects. I work harder than 95% of my peers basically for nothing. My best friend at college once was concerned whether I have a life outside of college. And he is damn right I don't have any. I think in the holidays I will binge everyday at least 6-10 hours articles to accumulate knowledge. It is so fucking useless. My real best friend (not from college) told me I have a different understanding of hobbies than most other people. My hobbies must have a utility I am usually not doing things just for fun and this is kind of true. I prefer my obsessions, pathologies over being happy. Because honestly I barely am happy no matter what I do.
On the longrun I really don't see another outcome than suicide for me. My takes on recovery might annoy some people but I just try to apply my own approach to life to other people. I don't think suicide is a good solution for me though it is probably the least bad option of all the bad options. I try and tried shit to get better. I have done incredibly much within the last 7 years to get better. Though I don't see any likely scenario that does not result in my suicide. I am a completely broken person. Let's be honest the society does not give a shit about people like me. Suicide hotlines are useless for me. I don't need someone who listens to my sorrows. I need real substantial help. Even therapy does not really fix it. I needed cash, a good home to live in, safety and a good environment to live in. Welfare does not offer that. I won't accept poverty. Even if wanted to endure that I think I would change my mind after 5 days. I am deeply reliant on the help of others. If my mom dies (she recently had a stroke) I am out of here pretty quickly. There is no good reason to keep this shit going. My life quality is shit, my future prospects are shit, I am unhappy as fuck and if the society does not want to give me substantial help. Well they can go fuck themselves. They can pretend to care about vulnerabe people all day long and act like suicides all are pretty damn tragdies of people who were just delusionally desperate. That if they reached out their life could have been saved. I am far far beyond that point. I know all the arguments of therapists, religions, philosophies on suicide. I don't consider suicide a good solution. Though I see rationally not really something that could force me to play that cynic game for more decades.
I have some hope for new liberal assisted suicide laws in my country. I think I am a pretty good case that proves that mental illness can torture someone no matter how many therapies one tries. The new proposal sounds surprisingly good. If my parents died I would choose that option as fast as possible. To apply for it while my parents were alive would be pretty difficult they can basically blackmail me by withholding their support. I have some hope for a peaceful death. Though the anti-assisted suicide lobby is very strong in my country. The decision will probably be this summer in the coming month. I hope that they will make the process for free. I don't have fucking 10.000 euros for a peaceful death. Where are if even death is not for free. Lol. It will probably hard to apply for because I had a psychosis. If they reject me I still could go with SN. Maybe the length of this thread is another concerning warning signal for my mental health. Though this is not really a temporary crisis this is my whole fucking life since more than a fucking decade.
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