My life is over

[Cathy Ames]

@Suicideseki I am very sorry for the things that have happened to bring you here. Peace be with you, whatever may happen next.

 

[_unique_username_]

All I can say is that my heart goes out to you and the best solutions will come to you. Nobody should be forced to live in pain, and I feel that maybe deep down, you want to continue living if it's possible to not go through all this shit.

 

[unkuto]

I'm really sorry if it seems like offtopic, but I'm really really desperate and my time is running out. I have to purchase SN while I still can because soon I wouldn't be able to considering how bad is crisis hitting.

I really need to know guys if this is exactly what I need?



NaNO2​
CAS №: 7632-00-0
The main component: >99%
Molecular mass: 69,00

 

[Lost Magic]

I'm really sorry if it seems like offtopic, but I'm really really desperate and my time is running out. I have to purchase SN while I still can because soon I wouldn't be able to considering how bad is crisis hitting.

I really need to know guys if this is exactly what I need?

View attachment 88738

NaNO2​
CAS №: 7632-00-0
The main component: >99%
Molecular mass: 69,00

Yes, it is of a high purity (over 95%) and it is NaNO2 Sodium Nitrite.

 

[GreenTree]

wee shop

You from Northern Ireland. They say that word a lot there. Love that country.

 

[unkuto]

Yes, it is of a high purity (over 95%) and it is NaNO2 Sodium Nitrite.

Thank for your reply. Does it need matter if some parts of it are crystalized and some are not? Does it have any effect?
What happens if bag would be damaged during delivery. This would make it useless?

 

[Lost Magic]

You from Northern Ireland. They say that word a lot there. Love that country.

Irish ancestry and born in Scotland. We say wee (meaning little for those who don't know) a lot here as well lol

Thank for your reply. Does it need matter if some parts of it are crystalized and some are not? Does it have any effect?
What happens if bag would be damaged during delivery. This would make it useless?

If Sodium Nitrite is exposed to air for prolonged periods of time it will eventually degrade and turn into NITRATE (which you don't want). You are speculating about the bag arriving damaged. Obviously, you don't want that, but again speculating?

 

[GreenTree]

Irish ancestry and born in Scotland. We say wee (meaning little for those who don't know) a lot here as well lol

It's in every sentence in Northern Ireland. Even if something isn't small. Like I'm just getting a wee drink. Aye I thought Scottish people said it too. I'm gonna have a wee cuo of tea soon.

 

[Lost Magic]

It's in every sentence in Northern Ireland. Even if something isn't small. Like I'm just getting a wee drink. Aye I thought Scottish people said it too. I'm gonna have a wee cuo of tea soon.

aye, yae cannae beat a wee cup of tea lol

 

[unkuto]

Irish ancestry and born in Scotland. We say wee (meaning little for those who don't know) a lot here as well lol

If Sodium Nitrite is exposed to air for prolonged periods of time it will eventually degrade and turn into NITRATE (which you don't want). You are speculating about the bag arriving damaged. Obviously, you don't want that, but again speculating?

Just wanted to make. How long is considered "prolonged"? Also when I will add 50 mg of water how long do I need to wait for it to fully dissolve? Can I use a tea spoon to mix it up or just need to wait when it would dissolve by itself?

 

[Cathy Ames]

Just wanted to make. How long is considered "prolonged"? Also when I will add 50 mg of water how long do I need to wait for it to fully dissolve? Can I use a tea spoon to mix it up or just need to wait when it would dissolve by itself?

Hi! Make sure that it has been kept protected from air prior to its being sent to you. If damaged in shipping, then put it into something air tight as soon as possible after you get it. Like, squeeze the air out of any plastic bag or foil before you seal it to be air tight.

According to these references, "prolonged" is a fairly long time (half-life of 82 days).

Hazardous Substances Data Bank (HSDB) : 757

Annotations submitted to PubChem by Hazardous Substances Data Bank (HSDB).

pubchem.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

https://www.santos.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/Sodium-nitrite-March-2021.pdf

I understand you feel desperate, but once you have what you need, maybe you can stick around for a while to see if things will get better? It's a lot easier to "wait and see" when you have the option of leaving when you want to.

 

[unkuto]

Hi! Make sure that it has been kept protected from air prior to its being sent to you. If damaged in shipping, then put it into something air tight as soon as possible after you get it. Like, squeeze the air out of any plastic bag or foil before you seal it to be air tight.

According to these references, "prolonged" is a fairly long time (half-life of 82 days).

Hazardous Substances Data Bank (HSDB) : 757

Annotations submitted to PubChem by Hazardous Substances Data Bank (HSDB).

pubchem.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

https://www.santos.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/Sodium-nitrite-March-2021.pdf

I understand you feel desperate, but once you have what you need, maybe you can stick around for a while to see if things will get better? It's a lot easier to "wait and see" when you have the option of leaving when you want to.

Thank you for your replies. I would like to stick around for a little bit longer and if I'll be honest life wasn't that bad before this happened.
Yesterday I did a lot of research and actually found where to order it from and order. Then I went to the kitchen and had a mental break. I was sitting and just crying because I couldn't believe what I'm about to do. I dont want to do it and this isn't how my life is supposed to end. I never wanted it. But do I even have a choice?
Dying in poverty unable even feed myself, not being able to get money, isolated from everything doomed for decades and decades of struggles.

The situation in Russia isn't going to magically get better. No matter if war would be war or not. Sanctions wouldn't go anything and economy is already ruined beyond possible restoration. I really really don't have a choice.

Someone I know just told me to relax and just sit and watch this like a TV show. But I don't really like his mindset and this approach. If this is a TV show then it is a really really bad and dark TV show that's going to have a really really bad ending. I don't want to watch it.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Thank you for your replies. I would like to stick around for a little bit longer and if I'll be honest life wasn't that bad before this happened.
Yesterday I did a lot of research and actually found where to order it from and order. Then I went to the kitchen and had a mental break. I was sitting and just crying because I couldn't believe what I'm about to do. I dont want to do it and this isn't how my life is supposed to end. I never wanted it. But do I even have a choice?
Dying in poverty unable even feed myself, not being able to get money, isolated from everything doomed for decades and decades of struggles.

The situation in Russia isn't going to magically get better. No matter if war would be war or not. Sanctions wouldn't go anything and economy is already ruined beyond possible restoration. I really really don't have a choice.

Someone I know just told me to relax and just sit and watch this like a TV show. But I don't really like his mindset and this approach. If this is a TV show then it is a really really bad and dark TV show that's going to have a really really bad ending. I don't want to watch it.

Listen. I totally understand what you mean about poverty, things in your country, how screwed up things are, the economy, etc. Seeing you say that you don't want to do it, I think you should NEXT put some energy into brainstorming some ways to get through an ever harder time--some ways to make it easier, some ways to live more cheaply, maybe some people you could team up with, medications that can substitute for what you need for your stomach, and things like that. For example, maybe the over the counter metoclopramide would substitute well enough for one of your other meds? [Also I bet you are already doing a lot of that, so seeing this message might make you roll your eyes. Sorry about that.]

You will still have your "bus ticket" in hand as a back up, so why not wait and see what happens? Obviously you are very good at getting things done. You might come up with some good ideas or it might end up not being as bad as what you are thinking. Depending on what happens, sanctions could end and people will again be able to get things from other countries and travel. Or things might improve just enough for you to be able to find joy somehow among the horribleness. I'm not suggesting "never" do it. I'm suggesting "not yet." It made sense to be in a hurry to GET the stuff, but I don't think you necessarily need to be in a big hurry to use it. If it arrives undamaged, it will last and remain effective for years.

I wish you well, whatever happens next and whatever you decide. I'm very sorry all of this stuff is happening. You don't deserve it.

 

[unkuto]

There are high chances I that Russia is going to mass summon everyone from 18 to 40 in the foreseeable future because they are running out of military in Ukraine.
My local region government has always tried to show their loyalty to Moscow and we were the first to implement various stupid Covid restriction that other regions never had. So what I'm thinking they would do the same and try to get as many people as possible with any way to provide new soldiers to fight this stupid war.
I'm scared it can happen before my 99% SN will arrive. I ordered it last week and they took 3-4 days to prepare and only sent it yesterday. I'm scared I wouldn't have time to kill myself before this happen.

This life is so unfair. I'm just getting fucked from every single side. Suffering+starving vs not being able to leave the country vs possibility to being sent to the war.
I don't want to being shoot and or getting some non-letteral wounds. I don't want anymore pain that I've already experienced.
I just don't know what to do. I'm 32 but I'm crying every day like a baby.

It's just not fair. I never asked for any of this. I don't deserve it. If God does actually exist and like religions are saying and he never give more more than they can take, then what is this? That's already more than I can take. I have just have no way out.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I keep thinking the war will END very soon. I'm not sure why I think that, but I do.

 

[SubZero]

Can't you borrow some money and find a fresh start in a large Russian city, where you will easily find a job? Take money just enough to get you through so you can pay them back easily. Start fresh. No need to kill yourself over that. It is difficult but you can escape this.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I'm crying every day like a baby.

It's just not fair. I never asked for any of this. I don't deserve it. If God does actually exist and like religions are saying and he never give more more than they can take, then what is this?

I'm really sorry. I can relate to all the things you're saying here. This is incredibly unfair towards so many people.

I'm scared it can happen before my 99% SN will arrive. I ordered it last week and they took 3-4 days to prepare and only sent it yesterday. I'm scared I wouldn't have time to kill myself before this happen.

I know this isn't much of a consolation, but even if they do declare marital law and total draft tomorrow, these things still don't happen that fast. There is a lot of bureaucracy involved in conscripting large quantities of people, they will need to prepare weapons, ammo, equipment, uniforms, places to live during training etc. for each soldier so even if you're to be drafted within the first wave it would still take 2-3 weeks after the start of the draft before anyone comes for you, unless you run to get conscipted voluntarity (first wave are people with previous combat experience, second wave - people with no combat experience but with military training, third - people that replaced compulsory military service with military-related education, fourth...they wouldn't get to the fourth, Ukraine will be toast by then). So no one is going to knock on your doors tomorrow and drag you to army, no need to get super hasty with CTB.
Now what I would consider real quick before the draft was declared is the option of leaving the country. I know it isn't easy. Trust me, I understand. But it is not impossible. If you can sit this bullshit out somewhere abroad you can avoid the draft. I know it's hard to find an apartment in a strange country with no money, but it might be worth a try. What do you normally do for living?

 

[unkuto]

I'm really sorry. I can relate to all the things you're saying here. This is incredibly unfair towards so many people.

I know this isn't much of a consolation, but even if they do declare marital law and total draft tomorrow, these things still don't happen that fast. There is a lot of bureaucracy involved in conscripting large quantities of people, they will need to prepare weapons, ammo, equipment, uniforms, places to live during training etc. for each soldier so even if you're to be drafted within the first wave it would still take 2-3 weeks after the start of the draft before anyone comes for you, unless you run to get conscipted voluntarity (first wave are people with previous combat experience, second wave - people with no combat experience but with military training, third - people that replaced compulsory military service with military-related education, fourth...they wouldn't get to the fourth, Ukraine will be toast by then). So no one is going to knock on your doors tomorrow and drag you to army, no need to get super hasty with CTB.
Now what I would consider real quick before the draft was declared is the option of leaving the country. I know it isn't easy. Trust me, I understand. But it is not impossible. If you can sit this bullshit out somewhere abroad you can avoid the draft. I know it's hard to find an apartment in a strange country with no money, but it might be worth a try. What do you normally do for living?

I used to work at restaurant but had to quit 3 months. Can't get back because they are waiting for a command to close it down (and not hiring anymore ) as everything is falling apart. Basically nobody is hiring in my region anymore because of raising crisis, lots of people lost jobs, nobody know what to expect, people buy less etc etc.

Everything you said makes perfect sense. But realities in dictatorship country could be way more fucked up than both you and me could ever imagine.
Yes I never served in the military and I was freed from military services for health condition reasons (I had minor brain damage as result of birth injury) but my "category" only freeing me in peaceful time. I still have to serve and can be summoned in case of Martial Law and everything. If martial law would be announced nobody can come or leave. Boarders will be closed. It's already insanely hard and expensive to leave. But it would be totally impossible.

Also 20 or something years ago during Chechen war (one of Russian regions wanted to be indecency and Russia started a massive war against this region) they were taking people left and right who had zero training and experience and were just throwing there without any regret... Current situation is way way worse. So I should expect everything.

I really don't have enough money to get out that's the biggest problem. But also Russian cards doesn't work outside of country, impossible to get USD or EUR inside Russia anymore (they pushed the law that prohibit selling it and people who had deposits in USD can't even withdraw their money anymore). Nobody is going to exchange rubles to something else outside of Russia.

I keep thinking the war will END very soon. I'm not sure why I think that, but I do.

I highly doubt war would be over anytime soon. Madman will never step back and he can drag that out as long as he want. People's life mean nothing to him.
He is going to throw as much corpses as he want until he would achieve his imperial goals...

But even if war would be over sanctions would stay here for decades and decades to come. Life would never get back to what it used to be. If anything everything can only go in one direction - down. But not opposite. There are just no reasons for it to improve. Honestly as I said before the outcome of this war doesn't matter.
Russia is already totally fucked beyond possible repair.

There is no reasons to kill myself yes. As I said above I'd never would imagine I'll end up on this forum. But the situation is so bad that there just can't be a good ending in my case. I really don't have any way out. If I did the suicide would be the last thing that would come to my mind.

I just have to.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

But realities in dictatorship country could be way more fucked up than both you and me could ever imagine.

Well, yeah, good point (unfortunately). But I still think your local government simply wouldn't be efficient enough to get their hands on every male in sight within days, even if they don't care about the related laws and just grab whoever they can.

Yes I never served in the military and I was freed from military services for health condition reasons (I had minor brain damage as result of birth injury) but my "category" only freeing me in peaceful time. I still have to serve and can be summoned in case of Martial Law and everything. If martial law would be announced nobody can come or leave. Boarders will be closed. It's already insanely hard and expensive to leave. But it would be totally impossible.

Yeah, I get it. That's why I think there is no reason to hurry if you definitely want to CTB at home but you really should hurry if you want to leave the country. I understand that it is logistically problematic, risky and costly. I know this piece of shit dilemma pretty well, and it really sucks, but I still hope you can consider it.

I really don't have enough money to get out that's the biggest problem. But also Russian cards doesn't work outside of country, impossible to get USD or EUR inside Russia anymore (they pushed the law that prohibit selling it and people who had deposits in USD can't even withdraw their money anymore). Nobody is going to exchange rubles to something else outside of Russia.

Crapola. I really didn't think about the fact that you can't get any money out of your country. This is super tricky indeed. On the other hand, if you have no savings whatsoever that isn't that much of a problem. Just make sure you take whatever valuables you have with you.
What do you mean by not having enough money to get out, you can't afford a train/bus ticket?

I used to work at restaurant but had to quit 3 months.

What was your position in the restaraunt? Were you a cook, a barman, waiter, administator etc? I know it sounds depressing, but experience in waiting tables is probably much more useful for an asylee looking for a job than, say, a degree in nuclear physics or economics.

 

[unkuto]

What was your position in the restaraunt? Were you a cook, a barman, waiter, administator etc? I know it sounds depressing, but experience in waiting tables is probably much more useful for an asylee looking for a job than, say, a degree in nuclear physics or economics.

I was doing some cooking but nothing crazy or complex. I don't really know how to "cook". I was just doing more like preparations and stuff.

I can't get in train or a bus far away. It's not that easy. Also a lot of countries where I can go on train or a bus closed their boarders due lots of immigrants from Russia.
Like for example you can't come anymore to Kazakhstan or Georgia unless you have relatives there, business trip or some other good reasons.
Nobody wants immigrants anymore.

Still possible to leave on a plane to Turkey, Asia or UAE but money and inability to get USD (and not working bank cards) an issue again. Even if I'll sell everything (i really don't have that much to sell tbh) I still wouldn't have enough. I was thinking about it all the time, looking for every possible options. There is just nothing.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Also a lot of countries where I can go on train or a bus closed their boarders due lots of immigrants from Russia.
Like for example you can't come anymore to Kazakhstan or Georgia unless you have relatives there, business trip or some other good reasons.
Nobody wants immigrants anymore.

Oh, I see. I didn't know that they require a reason of entry now. That really, really sucks. I'm so sorry.
I hope you can find some comfort in these days. I am watching cartoons and I have a can of hella expensive salmon salad and a can of candied pineapple for a foolproof last meal. I am also wrapped in a blanket all the time when I'm home. I hope you can think of simple nice things like that that can comfort you too.
SN isn't too painful and doesn't take too long. Maybe something amazing happens and changes the situation at least a little bit towards the better - but still that's a comforting thought I guess.
Take care.
This is so fucking unfair...so many lives just flushed down the toilet. For nothing. Complete insanity.

 

[unkuto]

Maybe something amazing happens and changes the situation at least a little bit towards the better - but still that's a comforting thought I guess.
Take care.
This is so fucking unfair...so many lives just flushed down the toilet. For nothing. Complete insanity.

Thank you for your kind words.
Unfortunately the real world isn't a fairytale with good ending for something amazing to happen. The reality is harsh.
It's only getting worse and worse every day.
There wouldn't be any good ending for people who was stuck in Russia and couldn't leave.
I can't distract myself with anything. All I do is just reading news all day long trying to not skip anything.
Some people says I shouldn't do it. But it's better to get negative slowly one by one instead of getting it all at once later and get shocked.

 

[Cathy Ames]

This is so fucking unfair...so many lives just flushed down the toilet. For nothing. Complete insanity.

Yes. It's horrible and unfair.

I highly doubt war would be over anytime soon. Madman will never step back and he can drag that out as long as he want. People's life mean nothing to him.
He is going to throw as much corpses as he want until he would achieve his imperial goals...

That's true, but, at least in theory, he can be stopped from within once the oligarchs are properly motivated. And the miracle could be his dropping dead. He's not looking so healthy right now IMO.

Also, if conscripted and sent to Ukraine you can desert. They are giving people MONEY for deserting, and it is a decent amount. There are a lot of Russian soldiers surrendering.

 

[unkuto]

Also, if conscripted and sent to Ukraine you can desert. They are giving people MONEY for deserting, and it is a decent amount. There are a lot of Russian soldiers surrendering.

1) it's going to be insanely hard to reach the point to surrender. Changes to die with a horrible, ugly and painful ways are higher than being able to reach the point where I can surrender. Ukraine is a huge territory and they are only controlling small regions. It's not small peace of land where you can just jump down from the truck and run and surrender. Chances that you are going to get shot or killed by a drone or just dying from hunger or other reasons (like killing from your own people) are much more higher than reaching point to surrender. This is a real war.
2) They offer money yes, but on practice they give two choice: you either fight for them and die or they will exchange you for captured Ukraine soldiers or civilians and just return you back to Russia. Ukraine isn't going to value invaders life more than life or their own people

 

[Cathy Ames]

1) it's going to be insanely hard to reach the point to surrender. Changes to die with a horrible, ugly and painful ways are higher than being able to reach the point where I can surrender. Ukraine is a huge territory and they are only controlling small regions. It's not small peace of land where you can just jump down from the truck and run and surrender. Chances that you are going to get shot or killed by a drone or just dying from hunger or other reasons (like killing from your own people) are much more higher than reaching point to surrender. This is a real war.
2) They offer money yes, but on practice they give two choice: you either fight for them and die or they will exchange you for captured Ukraine soldiers or civilians and just return you back to Russia. Ukraine isn't going to value invaders life more than life or their own people

I totally agree that there is a high chance of dying instead of getting to have a fresh start in Ukraine. Where did you get your information about #2? Because the way war works, it is not an actual, practical, useful thing to have untrained people doing the fighting (other than sacrificing bodies, as Putin is doing). People who don't know what they're doing getting OTHER people killed as well as themselves. [In the US it is a total of 14 weeks to learn to be a theoretically usable infantryman.] Ukraine also does have to have some care not to overtly commit war crimes. I will see if I can find more info about the surrendering for money thing.

Please. I am not negating the fact that you are in a terrible situation. I totally understand that. I just hate the thought of your killing yourself for nothing if there was any reason at all to have hope and have things work out. That's a waste.

Edit: The original offer from the Ukraine Ministry of Defense was AMNESTY and money that was the equivalent of $50,000 (US dollars). From the verified Facebook account of Ukrainian Minister of Defense. See here... m.facebook.com/100063790800238/posts/357824103020614/

 

[unkuto]

I totally agree that there is a high chance of dying instead of getting to have a fresh start in Ukraine. Where did you get your information about #2? Because the way war works, it is not an actual, practical, useful thing to have untrained people doing the fighting (other than sacrificing bodies, as Putin is doing). People who don't know what they're doing getting OTHER people killed as well as themselves. [In the US it is a total of 14 weeks to learn to be a theoretically usable infantryman.] Ukraine also does have to have some care not to overtly commit war crimes. I will see if I can find more info about the surrendering for money thing.

Please. I am not negating the fact that you are in a terrible situation. I totally understand that. I just hate the thought of your killing yourself for nothing if there was any reason at all to have hope and have things work out. That's a waste.

Edit: The original offer from the Ukraine Ministry of Defense was AMNESTY and money that was the equivalent of $50,000 (US dollars). From the verified Facebook account of Ukrainian Minister of Defense. See here... m.facebook.com/100063790800238/posts/357824103020614/

I've read on various sources that Ukraine is exchanging Russian captured soldier for their own captured people including pro-ukraine sources.
They do offer money but getting back to Russia is one way ticket because they would just send you back to die or put in prison for 7-10 years.
But again I'm pretty sure that getting to this point would be impossible as chances to being able surrender are 99 to 1.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I believe you. But there may be a difference in how people are treated depending on whether they were taken after fighting or did the thing where they came out without a weapon, with a white flag, saying the code word ("million"). I'm trying to find out. I mean, AMNESTY and enough money to live on for a year. That would really be worth something.

 

[NormaJeane]

Hey guys. I never though I would ever come to forum like that but I'd like to tell you my story. I'm 30 years and I small and distant region of Russia in a city with 40k pop.
Before you say anything: I'm not supporting what is going and I never did. I always voted against current government every chance I had just to get opposition in but they would just cheat remaining voices and win anyway.
I don't want to kill myself but I have no other option. I'm stuck with limited amount of money that is barely enough to last for a couple months and I lost my job. Nobody is hiring anymore because economy just collapsed in matter of days. Russia is fully isolated from outside world and internet would be next. The situation is going get so much worse than it is right now. And right now is currency crashed. Prices for food and everything skyrocketed and most of the time groceries are empty. I need a lot of meds to control my Acid Reflux and fix stomach issues. They are kinda of permanent. I always need medication against headache because if I don't take it I would get a massive migraine like headache related that is going to last for 3 days straight and no painkillers could fix it. You can't imagine how much I've been stressing and crying since February 23. I dont have any real life friends, relatives no parents. I'm completely alone and what's coming on me is unavoidable and I have no control over it. This country and everyone who left in it are doomed to starve and die in poverty. It's truly horrible. Sometimes I think that I'd rather be in Ukraine and just instantly die from something than stay here and slowly waiting for the end. I can't even run away because I live so far away in Russia and most countries closed their boarders and the ones who are not have enter restrictions. Neither do I have money to run away.

I really don't know what to do. I've read lots of posts on this forum for the past week and I've read the Peaceful Pill book. But the more I research about the more I realize that nothing that been described and posted is available in Russia. Literally nothing. Another problem is that I'm just a coward and I'm scared. I literally can't do anything and I can't stop crying because of it. I can't even properly kill myself with what is available. I really need your help guys. I promise you, I would never come to place like that if it wasn't serious. I'm old and mature enough and my problems are way serious than other people have. At least I think they are. Please suggest me something, help me to find a way out or just at least talk to me.

Hello, you can write to me if you want, I have knowledge of suicide methods that are not described in The Peaceful Pill Handbook. I recommend the book Five Last Acts and the plastic bag method or the duct tape method, plastic bags and duct tape are easy to get hold of. The death process is short; 15 minutes - reliable if done correctly but not peaceful.

 

[Baatz]

I hope you're doing better.

 

[unkuto]

I almost have everything ready.
Got my SN today. Got meto.

I just need to get H2 blockage thing.

I was looking at Famotidine as Citademine and Tagamet replacement because both of them are not available in my country.
Do you guys think Famotidine will work? The highest dosage that is available is 40 mg per pill.
The book recommend 800 mg of Tagamet and I'm kinda confused what to do with Famotidine as this medication can be working different than Tagamet and taking 20x40 mg might cause issues. Need some recommendations please!

I would like to add that having 99% SN in my hand made me feel so much better and finally gave me some peace.
I know that I can leave this hell anytime I want. But I'm having another problem. I can't made my mind and do it. I know I have to do it as I cannot going forward anytime and life in current conditions isn't going to be possible. But I suddenly don't want to do it anymore and want to live more than I wanted when I made this thread.
Usually when I woke up I feel pretty suicidal and hopeless and overall pretty shit. I feel like even week ago if I had SN in my hand I'd drink it without even thinking in one of these morning. But suddenly I don't want to it do it anymore when I have it.
I cannot explain it. I'm not scared. But. Fuck that will to live. Just go away...