Angst Filled Fuck Up

Angst Filled Fuck Up

Visionary
Sep 9, 2018
2,402
For real, I don't just mean mentally or emotionally, my body is totally screwed up. I have had deeply unpleasant and inexplicable bodily symptoms for years. I have seen countless doctors, specialists, psychiatrists, the whole nine. They either don't know what's up, and readily admit that, or else just dump it onto the "well, must be psychological" pile.

Just this past week I have been developing horrible twitches all through my body, really unpleasant jerking that lends credence to my theory that there's something wrong with my nervous/autonomic system. But again, if I get checked out, I know it will go undiagnosed and I'll have nothing to show for my efforts except a giant medical bill.

How the hell is someone supposed to live like this? Knowing that something's not right, and worsening over the years while never being able to get help or even acknowledgement. And as awful as something like cancer is, at least the person ultimately gets a diagnosis, which equals a medical action plan and support from their nearest and dearest. I have none of that. My family blithely encourages me to push through. Get educated, work more, exercise, etc. Okay then, I'll get right on that despite the fact that if I could put someone else in my body for five minutes, they would run screaming for the hills.

What's the point of this kind of life? There is nothing to it but suffering and the maddening knowledge that I won't ever find out what's wrong with me. I even left this site for a long time, trying my best to make it out there despite everything, but my God. There's just no good solution for people like me.