Mistergeburt
Member
- Jul 22, 2026
- 21
This thread is more like a diary of my past and present and in the future, I may post here when I need to vent or something without needing a reply or having a question. You don't have to read/answer anything, but ofc every answer is welcome.
Childhood
Since the day I was born, I felt different. Even in kindergarden, other children were playing with other children while I was sitting alone in a corner dreaming about anything and everything. The early childhood educators always said that I was being weird and I might be autistic and such things. They thought I wouldn't hear/understand what they've told my parents. Same for elementary school, high school, even university, friend groups, family and groups of interest. In elementary school my mother would bring me to a psychologist, but they figured that I was probably not autistic. But as teachers in high school said that I was acting weird, my mother brought me to a few psychologists once more, but they all said "It's close to a diagnosis, but it's unlikely that I have autism". The last one even said "My son's just like you, you may just be socially anxious and introverted", but I still feel like there's something more. I've always felt like an alien - but maybe only because I was treated like one, not because I am one. But I had struggles looking people in the eyes, but that resolved quickly and I watch everyone in the eyes (except one person, but we get to that).
In my early days, my mother said I could only visit my father on weekends although I wanted to spend more time with him. My mother always has been more like the "we will do it my way" person. Fortunately sometime soon we came to an agreement that I change home weekly. So one week I'm at my fathers place, the other at my mothers. But I always found my mother very stressful and pushy, so I didn't like being with her. I've cried when it was the end of father's week as I really didn't like it. My father told me, that he would support me, but he won't initiate. I understand that he wanted me to develop a strong personality, but when I finally told my mother that I wanted to live at my fathers place, she started crying (understandably) and her boyfriend comforted her and told me "Never say something like this again". The next days she denied that I really meant that, but I didn't have the courage to disagree once more. So the next years it was as it was. But finally with 20 I had the courage again to just move to my father's place.
My mental health has been really bad since I turned 13 I think and the thought of suicide was very dominant. I suppressed my emotions a lot as I thought my mother would punish it, but even if she didn't I don't want her to know anything about me. I don't know what she did wrong, but I've started hating her. When my self-hatred peaked in like 9th grade, I even had thoughts about her being dead and what relief it would be. My thoughts were so bad that I felt ashamed and she truly didn't deserve a son like that. She may also be the reason I'm hyper aware of everything and why I overthink everything. She was the only person I've ever personally hated (except for myself). Nowadays I don't "hate" her, but I would like it very much if we didn't have contact. Every time she visits I feel extremely stressed and become a robot. I can't look into her eyes for long, my replies are short or non-existent. I don't even understand where my behavior comes from, but I don't want to change it.
TL;DR: I've always felt out of place, but it's probably not autism. I hate mother, but I don't know why. Bad mental health since I turned 13. Loneliness. Hyper-aware and overthinking.
Adolescence
I've never been confident and was struggling a lot. My grades were bad, I had no real friends, I felt a deep sense of loneliness and I was certain that no one would care if I died. I became numb. I've always thought about jumping as it seemed like the only doable thing. The reason for wanting to ctb was not only to escape the pain, but also because of rage - rage that no one understood me, rage that nobody sees me, rage at how people treated me. I still was high-performing tho. I had hobbys, I had interests, I made music, I played the piano, I made animations and I was learning how to program amongst other stuff. Maybe only because of my mother as she pushed me.
Ironically I've distanced myself from people as I didn't want to be a burden and because I realized that I'm quite toxic, but mostly because I didn't want anyone to cry over me when I ctb'd. But I never did - because I was/am more of a dreamer. Thinking about it gave me a sense of peace. I gave small hints towards me wanting to ctb, but I thought no one noticed. It want more like seeking attention, I just wanted someone to talk to me, but was too anxious to ask directly. I didn't even want to talk about anything deep, just someone. I wanted to get to know someone, I even dreamt of playing therapist for someone as I can give a lot of perspective and am emotionally aware, but that never happened.
In 11th grade somehow people discovered me or started to like me. I still felt suicidal and lonely, but somehow I felt welcome when they invited me to parties, wanted to drink with me, wanted to talk with me, wanted to include me and all that stuff. I think I recovered a little because of that - and my grades started improving (at least in subjects I was interested in). Still hadn't the courage to show any emotions or talk about my struggles, but it was better than being completely isolated.
Yet when I got to university, friendship to those people faded. And I struggled to make new friends - I mean real friends, not people to talk about surface-level stuff. So there I was without community again, but I felt neutral, like things could not be that bad. I had really good grades in the first 2 semesters and I was really disciplined. A professor even said that she'd never seen someone so disciplined in her last 10 years.
TL;DR: High-performance depression. Loneliness. Distanced myself. More loneliness. Found friends. School over, university next, friendships went away. Loneliness. Extremely disciplined and good grades at first.
The turn of emotions
Of course, there was no way it would stay like that. I found a community online that was really wholesome and we had the same values and I quickly bonded with a few people. And this was the first time I just vented sometimes. It made me feel a little bit understood and I was liked how I was, not the mask I was putting up. But others also vented and I could comfort them. But as I was a part of that community, I became more and more open with emotions and could better understand myself and my emotions. Somehow that was the mistake. I should have kept them because this was the beginning of the worst time of my life. I became hyper-sensitive, so that every little detail hurt (e.g. "Why didn't they use an emote after their message? Do they not mean it? Did I do something wrong? Why are they always in a call and I'm not invited? Are they ignoring me? etc."). I somehow felt more lonely in this community than outside of it. My depression also changed from "high-performative" to "I'm too exhausted and I can't even get out of bed" a lot of days. This was also the time that I first discovered SaSu, but didn't make an account as I felt like an imposter who doesn't want to die and just does it for attention (I'm not, but I think that of myself).
They had an own Minecraft server and I was extremely active on it. I decided that I want a basement with my thoughts in it, so I wrote every little thing down. Some people didn't go down there, some would go there as they can relate.
I talked with some people about it as I wanted to hear their perspective and what I did wrong.
My suicidal thoughts became extreme over the course of the next month. I would rather kill myself than being misogynistic I told myself. We still had contact every day, but never talked about that fight. A month later she confessed to me that she completely changed her mind after our fight and that she is ashamed of what she thought. I'm still extremely sensitive about that topic and often times I get thoughts like "I'm a man, I deserve nothing than death, I'm inherently bad, I'm a threat to this world, I make everyone uncomfortable, I'm useless when I'm not even earning any money, ...", but fortunately the algorithms recommend anti-misandry content from a feministic standpoint to me, but I'm still really sensitive about it.
TL;DR: Joined a community. Vented. Became extremely sensitive. Felt worse due to community. Fell in love. Got hurt. Fell in love again. Misandry hurts. Relationship. Her struggles affect me.
Now
My social anxiety got better over the years, but I'm still anxious. I'm in the last semester now, but somehow everything went wrong and I'm confused. I need to write my bachelor's thesis, but the semester ends in 4 weeks, whereas the bachelor's thesis is 8 weeks + 3 weeks for the defense and assessment of my grade. I haven't even applied for the bachelor's thesis as I haven't got a topic as the "assistant" professor is on vacation and the substitute hasn't answered to my reply yet. Additionally my energy levels are low af and I hardly get out of bed. Also I had to write a protocol for when I worked at a company for 3 months which is requirement for the registration of the bachelor's thesis. I have done that, but another requirement is that I can provide a certificate by the company, but I haven't received that and when I asked, they told me that they're on vacation and can't send me this certificate yet. I don't even know if I can do my bachelor's thesis next semester, but it feels hopeless. Even if I can do it next semester, I probably also have to repeat the internship and the protocol. I'm confused and too stupid to ask (well I asked, but haven't got a reply).
TL;DR: Hopeless. University went wrong. No energy.
Childhood
Since the day I was born, I felt different. Even in kindergarden, other children were playing with other children while I was sitting alone in a corner dreaming about anything and everything. The early childhood educators always said that I was being weird and I might be autistic and such things. They thought I wouldn't hear/understand what they've told my parents. Same for elementary school, high school, even university, friend groups, family and groups of interest. In elementary school my mother would bring me to a psychologist, but they figured that I was probably not autistic. But as teachers in high school said that I was acting weird, my mother brought me to a few psychologists once more, but they all said "It's close to a diagnosis, but it's unlikely that I have autism". The last one even said "My son's just like you, you may just be socially anxious and introverted", but I still feel like there's something more. I've always felt like an alien - but maybe only because I was treated like one, not because I am one. But I had struggles looking people in the eyes, but that resolved quickly and I watch everyone in the eyes (except one person, but we get to that).
In my early days, my mother said I could only visit my father on weekends although I wanted to spend more time with him. My mother always has been more like the "we will do it my way" person. Fortunately sometime soon we came to an agreement that I change home weekly. So one week I'm at my fathers place, the other at my mothers. But I always found my mother very stressful and pushy, so I didn't like being with her. I've cried when it was the end of father's week as I really didn't like it. My father told me, that he would support me, but he won't initiate. I understand that he wanted me to develop a strong personality, but when I finally told my mother that I wanted to live at my fathers place, she started crying (understandably) and her boyfriend comforted her and told me "Never say something like this again". The next days she denied that I really meant that, but I didn't have the courage to disagree once more. So the next years it was as it was. But finally with 20 I had the courage again to just move to my father's place.
My mental health has been really bad since I turned 13 I think and the thought of suicide was very dominant. I suppressed my emotions a lot as I thought my mother would punish it, but even if she didn't I don't want her to know anything about me. I don't know what she did wrong, but I've started hating her. When my self-hatred peaked in like 9th grade, I even had thoughts about her being dead and what relief it would be. My thoughts were so bad that I felt ashamed and she truly didn't deserve a son like that. She may also be the reason I'm hyper aware of everything and why I overthink everything. She was the only person I've ever personally hated (except for myself). Nowadays I don't "hate" her, but I would like it very much if we didn't have contact. Every time she visits I feel extremely stressed and become a robot. I can't look into her eyes for long, my replies are short or non-existent. I don't even understand where my behavior comes from, but I don't want to change it.
TL;DR: I've always felt out of place, but it's probably not autism. I hate mother, but I don't know why. Bad mental health since I turned 13. Loneliness. Hyper-aware and overthinking.
Adolescence
I've never been confident and was struggling a lot. My grades were bad, I had no real friends, I felt a deep sense of loneliness and I was certain that no one would care if I died. I became numb. I've always thought about jumping as it seemed like the only doable thing. The reason for wanting to ctb was not only to escape the pain, but also because of rage - rage that no one understood me, rage that nobody sees me, rage at how people treated me. I still was high-performing tho. I had hobbys, I had interests, I made music, I played the piano, I made animations and I was learning how to program amongst other stuff. Maybe only because of my mother as she pushed me.
Ironically I've distanced myself from people as I didn't want to be a burden and because I realized that I'm quite toxic, but mostly because I didn't want anyone to cry over me when I ctb'd. But I never did - because I was/am more of a dreamer. Thinking about it gave me a sense of peace. I gave small hints towards me wanting to ctb, but I thought no one noticed. It want more like seeking attention, I just wanted someone to talk to me, but was too anxious to ask directly. I didn't even want to talk about anything deep, just someone. I wanted to get to know someone, I even dreamt of playing therapist for someone as I can give a lot of perspective and am emotionally aware, but that never happened.
In 11th grade somehow people discovered me or started to like me. I still felt suicidal and lonely, but somehow I felt welcome when they invited me to parties, wanted to drink with me, wanted to talk with me, wanted to include me and all that stuff. I think I recovered a little because of that - and my grades started improving (at least in subjects I was interested in). Still hadn't the courage to show any emotions or talk about my struggles, but it was better than being completely isolated.
Yet when I got to university, friendship to those people faded. And I struggled to make new friends - I mean real friends, not people to talk about surface-level stuff. So there I was without community again, but I felt neutral, like things could not be that bad. I had really good grades in the first 2 semesters and I was really disciplined. A professor even said that she'd never seen someone so disciplined in her last 10 years.
TL;DR: High-performance depression. Loneliness. Distanced myself. More loneliness. Found friends. School over, university next, friendships went away. Loneliness. Extremely disciplined and good grades at first.
The turn of emotions
Of course, there was no way it would stay like that. I found a community online that was really wholesome and we had the same values and I quickly bonded with a few people. And this was the first time I just vented sometimes. It made me feel a little bit understood and I was liked how I was, not the mask I was putting up. But others also vented and I could comfort them. But as I was a part of that community, I became more and more open with emotions and could better understand myself and my emotions. Somehow that was the mistake. I should have kept them because this was the beginning of the worst time of my life. I became hyper-sensitive, so that every little detail hurt (e.g. "Why didn't they use an emote after their message? Do they not mean it? Did I do something wrong? Why are they always in a call and I'm not invited? Are they ignoring me? etc."). I somehow felt more lonely in this community than outside of it. My depression also changed from "high-performative" to "I'm too exhausted and I can't even get out of bed" a lot of days. This was also the time that I first discovered SaSu, but didn't make an account as I felt like an imposter who doesn't want to die and just does it for attention (I'm not, but I think that of myself).
They had an own Minecraft server and I was extremely active on it. I decided that I want a basement with my thoughts in it, so I wrote every little thing down. Some people didn't go down there, some would go there as they can relate.
But one girl (L) put her own signs next to mine and comforted me and told me that she always liked me. She initiated conversations with me and not long after that I fell in love. And I told her that I was in love with her. And she said she loved me back. I was at my lowest, but I got everything I ever wanted. It felt weird as I've never really experienced love, but it also felt off because she said "I love you" a lot, but also said that we're not in a relationship, but said yes to cuddles, kisses and sex, but I just thought, she probably wants to wait until we see each other in reallife. Also she said that she hated men which would usually be an immediate red flag, but I only told her that this generalization is bad and hurts and she stopped saying that immediately. But 2 months later, she told me (after I asked since when she's "in love" with me) that she meant every single "I love you" in a platonic way and she's never been "in love" with me and she's not even attracted + she's (mostly) gay. She claimed that she is just avoidantly attached while I was (obviously) anxiously attached.
I talked with some people about it as I wanted to hear their perspective and what I did wrong.
I also talked with another girl (J) I was friends with and who told me her situation and problems before as I'm a good listener. She was also very suicidal and even told me that she already had written her last letters. She claims that if I hadn't been there, she would most likely be dead. She told me her deepest secrets over the year and I told her mine. At first she even said "I will never talk to you, because what if you don't like my voice and don't like me anymore", but never could we have imagined, that we would talk for hours in the same year and even meet in person at the end of the year. Right when I was done thinking about L and missing L, I fell in love with J. But at first it was complicated. She told me she was aroace and non-binary, but later she was more like demigirl, but is now girl again. But the aro was kinda crushing as I knew she could never love me back.
Also as I've been in the community for longer (not active, but passive) I realized that misandry (hating men) was really dominant and when I or someone said something against it, it is "If you feel like we mean you, we mean you". For example "All men deserve to die" and if someone said "Why do I deserve that?", they'd say "We don't mean you, but if you feel like we mean you, you must be bad". And J was one of them. She's really respectful and sweet and cares about other people, but when I said that this hurts me and is not okay, she said it is and came with arguments that I could refute. After an emotional heavy fight I was so consumed by it that my thoughts slowly turned misogynistic, but I pushed against it. At the same time my low self-worth declined even more.
I don't know how, but I'm now in a relationship with J as we've met again a month ago and I told her and she said that she also has been in love with me for about 7 months. Somehow it feels weird that she never hinted towards loving me, but I'm very used to her being quite closed, especially if it's something present. But she's making progress in being more open and she wants to be more open, but it'll take a long time probably. We've been together for 34 days, 19 hours and 42 minutes, but still long distance. We're very different, but I love her and we see each other as often as possible and will be moving in together sometime in the future (hopefully next year). But there are some needs that she's unsure of ever meeting and asked if the relationship would make sense from my perspective. But on the other hand she says that she wants to change these things, but is unsure if it's ever okay for her as she's struggling with this topic (self-image, eating disorder, scars from self-harm and body issues). I just can't relate unfortunately, but I can accept and respect it. I rarely get pictures of her (with clothes on or only face), even when I ask, she says that she'll send me one, but then says that she feels too ugly and fat. I'm really sorry for her, but I also can't relate as I find myself ugly as well, but I still send her photos. But obviously I can't imagine what it feels like having all those struggles. All I know is that she's extremely beautiful and I tell her that a lot. Her struggles affect me a lot, but I can't change it, nor can I help, especially when she closes up. I'm really happy for having her in my life! But somehow I'm still unhappy, have suicidal thoughts and a negative self-view.
TL;DR: Joined a community. Vented. Became extremely sensitive. Felt worse due to community. Fell in love. Got hurt. Fell in love again. Misandry hurts. Relationship. Her struggles affect me.
Now
My social anxiety got better over the years, but I'm still anxious. I'm in the last semester now, but somehow everything went wrong and I'm confused. I need to write my bachelor's thesis, but the semester ends in 4 weeks, whereas the bachelor's thesis is 8 weeks + 3 weeks for the defense and assessment of my grade. I haven't even applied for the bachelor's thesis as I haven't got a topic as the "assistant" professor is on vacation and the substitute hasn't answered to my reply yet. Additionally my energy levels are low af and I hardly get out of bed. Also I had to write a protocol for when I worked at a company for 3 months which is requirement for the registration of the bachelor's thesis. I have done that, but another requirement is that I can provide a certificate by the company, but I haven't received that and when I asked, they told me that they're on vacation and can't send me this certificate yet. I don't even know if I can do my bachelor's thesis next semester, but it feels hopeless. Even if I can do it next semester, I probably also have to repeat the internship and the protocol. I'm confused and too stupid to ask (well I asked, but haven't got a reply).
TL;DR: Hopeless. University went wrong. No energy.
