My life has improved, but I still want CTB

[Jessi76]

Hello everyone,
I hope my English is understandable as it is not my native language and I use Google Translate.
I've been reading this forum for a few months now. This year so much went wrong in my life that I got to the point where I want to end my life.
Last year, because of bullying by a colleague, I quit my job, where I had been for almost 4 years. I was very sorry to stop there, but I just had to get out of there after what happened. I also never wanted to go back because the working hours weren't so good either. In addition, I had a 6 day week and was supposed to step in all the time on the only day off. Nevertheless, it was a secure and good job.

Unfortunately, the new job went wrong for various reasons and since my former boss offered me when I left that I could come back at any time, I did so. But the whole thing broke my heart. I had so many expectations and hopes for the new job and they were all destroyed. I've always had bad luck with jobs and I'm just tired of it. Privately, a few things went wrong and I got to the point where I decided it was better to end my life.

In search of methods, I found this forum and have been reading along since the beginning of April.
My life has changed for the better in many ways. My new/old boss goes out of his way to do justice to me. I only work 5 days and have the weekend off. Privately, too, a lot has changed for the better.
But still, I still want to die... It all feels so wrong... Also, the fact that I went back to my old boss feels completely wrong. I'm trying to get more joy for life again, but no matter what I do, it doesn't work out. I just can't be happy anymore, even though a lot of things are going well again.
It's as if I flipped a switch when I decided to have CTB, but I can't put it back. Do you know what I mean?

I ordered SN at the beginning of October. By a happy coincidence, I came across a spring. Please don't ask for it, I'll keep it to myself. Yesterday I tested it with the aquarium test and it seems to be perfectly fine.
And now I'm thinking about whether I'll wait until May for my vacation (I hope that through my vacation a possible failed attempt will remain undetected and that I will have enough time to get well without help) and try to give life another chance, or maybe end it on New Year's Eve. I don't understand why I sometimes feel a little better, but then the CTB thoughts come back with full force. My current life isn't that bad, quite the opposite.

Do you think the open SN will last until the beginning of May next year, or could it be corroded by then?

 

[Deleted member 65988]

It all really depends how long you opened it for but more importantly, if it was kept at optimal conditions such as no exposure to sunlight or a source of heat, combustible material or moisture. Being in an environment of high humidity can pose issues to the durability of the sn but otherwise, it should be an issue if it hasn't been exposed to such conditions nor was opened it for very long. Just because you opened it for aquarium test, doesn't mean it'll go bad after just one occasional event of opening and closing it, remember these manufactured chemicals have to last as long as possible and maintain its assay for accurate testing so it's been rigorously tested and subjected to standards that need to be for its intended purpose.

I'm also sorry that despite the improvements in your life, you still want to ctb.

 

[Jessi76]

Thanks for the reply. I keep it hidden in the far corner of my closet. The bottle is screwed tightly closed again and placed in a zip bag.

I'm also sorry that despite the improvements in your life, you still want to ctb.

Thank you very much. I also wish it was different and I could be as carefree and full of joie de vivre as I was before this incident... My life could be so great and I'm really trying a lot to get back to the old way of life. But it just doesn't work. I feel better for a few weeks and then the next relapse comes. It feels like the whole thing has destroyed something inside me. But it's really good to be able to write openly about everything here. And not having to keep it all to myself

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Thanks for the reply. I keep it hidden in the far corner of my closet. The bottle is screwed tightly closed again and placed in a zip bag.

That's about as the best you can do. Keeping it tight as possible and away from light or heat, in a cool and dark place. Nothing complicated like needing lab specific temps to keep it optimal like other reagents.

I also wish it was different and I could be as carefree and full of joie de vivre as I was before this incident... My life could be so great and I'm really trying a lot to get back to the old way of life. But it just doesn't work.

A truly sad thing to be honest, it seems like you should be happy that things are good now but for some reason, it isn't just working out. Is there something particular that is making you feel this way at all?

I feel better for a few weeks and then the next relapse comes. It feels like the whole thing has destroyed something inside me. But it's really good to be able to write openly about everything here. And not having to keep it all to myself

And that's why this forum is here, to help expereess thoughts like these you can't exactly share out there in the real world. Nothing feels quite relieving like getting things like this off your chest.

 

[Jessi76]

A truly sad thing to be honest, it seems like you should be happy that things are good now but for some reason, it isn't just working out. Is there something particular that is making you feel this way at all?

I'm not sure... one point could be that I really decided to die at that time. In the summer I had a failed attempt with the night-night method... I really wanted to die from them, but was forced to look for other methods to find something reasonably safe. That was before I found the SN source. Maybe that's why everything feels so wrong? Because I wasn't supposed to live anymore and was forced to stay ? And now I could actually do CTB - at least now the chances are very good for that

But there could also be another reason. Since my divorce, I have been living in my parents' house. It belongs to my father and has several apartments. I live in one of them and only pay utilities, so that I can live well - although I earn little money. When my father dies, I will inherit the house. But in my country, inheritance taxes are so high that I don't know how to pay them. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my home. I grew up in the house, my grandparents lived in the apartment where I live now. It really is my home - full of beautiful memories. My father is now in his mid-70s and you can see his age more and more. also psychologically. He becomes more and more forgetful.

It's probably these two things that keep me having relapses, even though my life has gotten much better now. But I can't change these things and probably they will really drive me into the CTB

And that's why this forum is here, to help expereess thoughts like these you can't exactly share out there in the real world. Nothing feels quite relieving like getting things like this off your chest.

Oh yes, that's right. I used the forum all the time to look for methods, but the feeling of being able to talk freely about the CTB thoughts and to exchange ideas with like-minded people is incredibly good and liberating

 

[oddetoad]

Doesn't matter if you're rich or have it all - this place is rotten from the inside and out

 

[Deleted member 65988]

will inherit the house. But in my country, inheritance taxes are so high that I don't know how to pay them. I'm afraid I'll lose my home. I grew up in the house, my grandparents lived in the apartment where I live now. It really is my home - full of beautiful memories

Losing a place like that is like losing a part of you. When my grandmother passed last year, the house I spent my early childhood at and holidays was sold, my mom and her siblings wanted to keep it but ultimately they just couldn't do it. My mom showed me pics of the backyard and it looked so dry and absent of any life, it was sad to see but ultimately life moves on. I'm sorry you are facing the prospect of losing the one place in this world that carries so many memories, it isn't easy to lose something so dear to you and what it did to make you the person you are today.

That was before I found the SN source. Maybe that's why everything feels so wrong? Because I wasn't supposed to live anymore and was forced to stay ? And now I could actually do CTB - at least now the chances are very good for that

did those feelings come about because you didn't succeed with Night-night which was actually one of the methods I considered before ending up with Sn. Now that you've obtained sn and have the information to go with it, you have an idea on how to go about a serious attempt should you wish in future.

My father is already over 70 years old and slowly degrading.

It's really unfortunate to watch someone you love slowly wither away until they aren't there anymore.

 

[Jessi76]

Losing a place like that is like losing a part of you. When my grandmother passed last year, the house I spent my early childhood at and holidays was sold, my mom and her siblings wanted to keep it but ultimately they just couldn't do it. My mom showed me pics of the backyard and it looked so dry and absent of any life, it was sad to see but ultimately life moves on. I'm sorry you are facing the prospect of losing the one place in this world that carries so many memories, it isn't easy to lose something so dear to you and what it did to make you the person you are today.

Oh dear, that sounds very sad. Then you might understand me. But still, I don't really think it's the reason that I keep having relapses. As you said, life goes on. And maybe my father will live another 10 years and the taxes will change by then... It was just a guess that it could be a reason, because it keeps me very busy from time to time and drags me down a bit

did those feelings come about because you didn't succeed with Night-night which was actually one of the methods I considered before ending up with Sn. Now that you've obtained sn and have the information to go with it, you have an idea on how to go about a serious attempt should you wish in future.

I'm not sure, but I think so. After that, I took a closer look at many different methods. I also wanted to try an overdose of Propranolol and was able to get enough pills for it... but it was too unsafe for me and I was afraid of a failed attempt. And yes, I know enough about SN thanks to this forum to at least have a very good chance of being successful with it. Nevertheless, I am afraid of a failed attempt and this still keeps me from doing so.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Oh dear, that sounds very sad. Then you might understand me. But still, I don't really think it's the reason that I keep having relapses. As you said, life goes on. And maybe my father will live another 10 years and the taxes will change by then... It was just a guess that it could be a reason, because it keeps me very busy from time to time and drags me down a bit

Maybe there's just a part of you that's still really sad about it and having a hard time trying to move on, yes life does move on but sometimes we take time to catch up. It's understandable why it keeps you down for the most part just as it would for a lot of people.

I'm not sure, but I think so. After that, I took a closer look at many different methods. I also wanted to try an overdose of Propranolol and was able to get enough pills for it... but it was too unsafe for me and I was afraid of a failed attempt. And yes, I know enough about SN thanks to this forum to at least have a very good chance of being successful with it. Nevertheless, I am afraid of a failed attempt and this still keeps me from doing so.

Having been here for a while, I've researched sn as far as I could possibly could despite still being here, revised and learnt every bit of information that could prove useful and discarded some that just didn't make sense anymore to me. Everyone is afraid of a failed attempt because you keep revisving everything you need to do for the protocol and achieve sn ctb but you ask yourself what if all the failed cases of people who seemed to do it right happens to me, what if I wake up in a real bad way, requiring immediate medical attention or what if I have underlying health issues that'll get worse after a failed attempt or what if i fail and end up sectioned for a while. These are all concerns I've had time and time again even if I've pressed forth with my plans.

Thing is, what I take solace in is the fact that those that went before us shared the same issues and still ctb in the end and one thing I learnt is that we will have to accept the risks one way or another because it is a risk in itself to do this. I read a story about a man who died from mechanical asphyxiation by using cable ties around his neck, effectively strangling himself to death and drank rat poison too, a method I'm sure a lot of us here would find less than ideal, point being that if someone is desperate enough to go then anything else such as failure falls behind.

 

[Jessi76]

Maybe there's just a part of you that's still really sad about it and having a hard time trying to move on, yes life does move on but sometimes we take time to catch up. It's understandable why it keeps you down for the most part just as it would for a lot of people.

You're probably right and it may be. I would love to know how I could make this sad part of me happy again. Even my favorite hobbies don't make it permanently

Thing is, what I take solace in is the fact that those that went before us shared the same issues and still ctb in the end and one thing I learnt is that we will have to accept the risks one way or another because it is a risk in itself to do this. I read a story about a man who died from mechanical asphyxiation by using cable ties around his neck, effectively strangling himself to death and drank rat poison too, a method I'm sure a lot of us here would find less than ideal, point being that if someone is desperate enough to go then anything else such as failure falls behind.

Oh, that's right... they had the same concerns and succeeded. yes, it would be a nightmare for me to try to survive and then either wake up in such a way that I really feel worse than I do now, or I end up in a psychiatric hospital forever). That's why I'm thinking about SN in combination with drowning... see my next thread.

 

[hi-okbye]

I get the feeling of wanting to ctb even though life is getting better. I'm the same here. My question though is, do you want to get better and keep living but the want to ctb is keeping you from that? Or do you just want to ctb, whether life is getting better or not.
If you do want to get better and live, but are just having trouble with that, I recommend you seek some form of help just so you can get to that point.
If you do truly want to ctb inside and out, I wish you all the luck <3

 

[Jessi76]

I get the feeling of wanting to ctb even though life is getting better. I'm the same here. My question though is, do you want to get better and keep living but the want to ctb is keeping you from that?

Thanks for the reply. I think exactly this point could be it... but if I search for help, I'm sure I'll end up in a psychiatric ward. I can't talk openly about my feelings with anyone.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Oh, that's right... they had the same concerns and succeeded. yes, it would be a nightmare for me to try to survive and then either wake up in such a way that I really feel worse than I do now, or I end up in a psychiatric hospital forever). That's why I'm thinking about SN in combination with drowning... see my next thread.

So either way, know that your concerns aren't yours alone and are shared here, oftentimes a reason why people don't ever ctb which is completely understandable. I don't know how sn and drowning would go really, the issue with combining two methods is getting an idea of how they interact and what drawbacks of each method could hinder bringing them together.

You're probably right and it may be. I would love to know how I could make this sad part of me happy again. Even my favorite hobbies don't make it permanently

Whatever it is, I'm sure the answer can be found.