My life has become a mess.

[Some place nice]

We were gonna make things official on December 1st and its was official, than on the second day it 3 am in thier car they texted me that they needed a friend more rn so I agreed to it. The more withdraws they had I felt them drifting farther away. They confessed to me tonight that they got some feelings here and there but, they said that they were embarrassed about them so, I told them that it sounded like thier feelings for me are fading away, mind you, they know that I still have feelings for them. I haven't been in a good place anymore. I literally had everything I wanted and it just got ripped away... Like always... I promised them that I'd stay for them but, I'm finding it hard to do. I have a different part of me, a part that is just normal me, psychotic. I hide her from everyone not even my family knows of her existence, but the person that I once call the love of my life now knows of her existence. Which is...fun Ig, at least now they know that I am actually crazy and not just saying shit to look cool. She feels everything that I feel and think, she isn't my conscious I still have that voice in my head so there are 3 of them. Her, my conscious, and me. She wants me to ctb bc she knows that I have no future, she knows that they were the only one but they are just my friend now, She knows that I cant stop loving them and that if I do find someone else that I wont be happy like I was with them. I'll be miserable just like how I'm miserable now that they have another crush on someone else. Its tearing me up inside. Like, we met and on the same day confessed that we had feelings for each other but they wanted to go slow so we tried and we decided to wait till December 1st to make it official, (we met on thanksgiving), and they decided to come down on December 1st so we were official for 15 hours, than decided that they needed a friend more. Don't get me wrong, they were were going through withdraws their meds were making thier personality split and the lack of medicine was bringing back the PTSD that it was surprising. They were going through some tough shit while they were down here. I still love them tho and I don't think that I can stop loving them and it hurts so badly. We were planning our future together but, they think that we rushed into it. All I know is if I do ctb then its gonna be after christmas and ik that they'll ctb bc I did and they said that they wouldn't be able to handle it. At this point I just don't see the worth in living, my nieces' dad wont be going anywhere anytime soon and my sister could always put guardianship on my other sister when/if I die.