Story My life brought me here

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

I'd like to get my life "story" off my chest for anyone who wants to read
I've purchased my SN and would like you all to know the reasons why.

I was brought up in a very religious home. I had girlfriends growing up and a few who wanted sex, but I never did. I didn't really want to. So when I went to college I met Peter. We were good friends and I didn't have any idea about him being gay until he said something to me one day about being attracted to me. I was shocked, but I felt something for him too. Within an hour or so of talking about it, we were making out and well I lost my virginity. I fell in love with him but couldn't get away from the feeling of my upbringing that this was wrong. At the end of college we said goodbye. I went home and never saw him again. I met a girl my parents liked and we dated. She was the first girl I ever had sex with. I also met a guy friend of hers who liked me. He was gay and told me that he knew I was. So for 6 months I saw both of them. Even after I got engaged to her. On New Year's Eve a couple months before my wedding I thought I was going to die. I loved him and wanted him so bad but could not do that to my parents. After we were together that night I broke it off. Went home and cried so much.


Anyway so that's kind of the beginning for me. After I was married I tried to settle in to life. I really tried but I ended up having different affairs with guys. I just couldn't leave my life and disappoint everyone. I tortured myself.


So a year or so ago, I met a guy. 24. Very young. We hit it off and after a very short affair I decided I was not worthy of love from anyone. Tried to take a bunch of pills. Ended up in the ER and then the psych ward. I prayed to (idk if there's a god) that I would die. I went through a bunch of therapy but after hating myself and feeling like I was undeserving of love from anyone. I have tried and tried to make the best of what I have, but I have lied to everyone and more so to myself. I hate who I am. Who I've become. I'm tired of this life.

 

[who doesn't matter]

Had you ever tried talking to someone in your family or maybe a friend?

 

[socrates]

That's a tough spot to be in. You've built a life for yourself, but you feel like it's a lie. Do you keep on living this was, and deal with all the guilt from your affairs? Do you bottle up your sexuality and stay married. Or do you come out to your parents and your wife, and divorce her? It's a tough situation, but things are different now your family might be more receptive. TBH I'd think they'd rather have a gay son then a dead son. And your wife would probably rather be your X-wife then a widow. Good luck my friend, I hope you find peace.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I think most of us here feel this way, no matter what our personal circumstances are. Feeling like we're not in the right place, time, or even body. I think it was very brave of you to share this story, and I feel like I know you a lot better now. Not being able to be who you feel you were born to be is a feeling that grows and grows until you just can't take it anymore. Thank you again for trusting us with your story, and I hope you find peace in one form or another, my friend

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

Thank you all for listening. Talking about this to someone has never been my strong suit. I do feel better sharing with this community. I have had severe depression and diagnosed bipolar. Maybe that's just the dichotomy in myself. I've tried. I constantly beat myself up. I really appreciate the conversation and allowing me to share.