Discussion My last and only reason for living is now over/Extremely bad luck

[Obliviate]

I just graduated college.......yay Originally my plan options were to either

-CTB after graduation
OR
-work for a couple months after to save money to provide for my cats after I'm gone then CTB
OR
-Somehow a miracle happens and I continue living and go to medical school(gross)

I was looking for some type of hope and sign to maybe keep living because my original plan was to just CTB after college.

The closer I got to graduation, the more emotional I got whenever I would look into my cat's eyes that screamed "Don't leave me I love You" My cats are my everything and reason for living.

I believe in heaven/afterlife so I thought how am I gonna bear being without them even in heaven?! They are my literal children. So I thought I have to continue living for them/how can I leave them? I cry so much at the thought of leaving them. Even though, after I'm gone my family will take care of them. My family is abusive and horrible to me but love my cats.

BUT

Anyone just feel like they have horrendous disgusting luck? I have the epitome of bad luck, like the universe aligns everything to torture me. My whole entire life has been horrible filled with bad luck and abuse. Bad luck just follows me around everywhere I go no matter how good of a person or how hard working I am. I feel like a tiny kitten/puppy being kicked by a group of people. Unfortunately, this bad luck is now effecting my cats. Somehow I always get the disgusting rude veterinarians and horrible experiences.

THE ABSOLUTE LAST STRAW WAS LAST NIGHT
I spent HOURS researching for a new "pet insurance" company and found out the truth about "Pet Insurance" and how all of them are scams to get the most money out of you and barely reimburse you. I cried for HOURS. For those that know, Vet bills are VERY EXPENSIVE and they demand thousands of dollars straight and upfront. It's so sad that pets die/have to be euthanized because owners can't afford bills even with insurance as they have their suspicious/sly and inhumane policies on what's not covered. On top of that, insurance is a scam because you have to pay the entire bill upfront then file a claim for any possible reimbursement which again they will find a way to barely pay you back while collecting that expensive premium every month. It's like paying double the money. No company accepts pre existing conditions which again, disgusting. If you can't afford the bill in the first place, what good is insurance? I am completely heartbroken.

You probably guessed it by now that my family and I are poor. If one of my cats get an illness/accident I don't have 10,000 dollars just laying around for emergencies. I've already spend 1000's of dollars on emergencies before throughout the years for my cats and one of them passed because we couldn't afford the bills.

I am grateful to have somewhat of an ok life where I have a roof over my head and food to eat, privilege to go to college but again a sad life filled with horrible things.

My family and I are going to put money on the side for them every month/save for small bills but again knowing that I am possibly spreading bad luck to my cats, if something very serious happens to them which most likely it will cuz again bad luck and we can't pay the big expensive bills, its bye bye. My heart can't bear to see them die. I want to die first before them. What's the point in staying after finding out what I did

The little hope I had of going to medical school(expensive and probably wouldn't work out anyways cuz bad luck) is crushed because I will ALWAYS choose my cats over anything else.

I can't drive and am terrified to so am stuck with online jobs. Actually finding one that I have the mental capacity for is pretty unlikely. I already
applied to 70+ jobs in my last semester and no luck.

Everything is against me. Every chance every possibility is a con instead of a pro

I have no desire to live any longer because humans are so disgusting and mean to me, karma doesn't exist in the way we want it to.

So now, the only choices I have are to sacrifice myself so the expenses that are being spent on me can go to my cats/ I won't be around to spread bad luck so hopefully they can possibly continue living good lives. Maybe I can have some power in heaven and watch out for them where as here in the physical world I'm next to useless.

I've lost all faith in humanity. My soul and heart are completely broken. Without my cats, there's absolutely no point in living. If I had even some good luck and more privilege then maybe I would stay.

I don't know what to do. I'm so lost and confused and hurt.
Right now I'm planning on either leaving in a couple weeks or if I get a job, work for a couple months and leave.

 

[Kyoko shima]

Ah, your cats are lucky to have you as their owner, i know they love you too. All i can say is cherish them very much, and in my opinion it's strange how expensive vet insurance is.

 

[Obliviate]

Ah, your cats are lucky to have you as their owner, i know they love you too. All i can say is cherish them very much, and in my opinion it's strange how expensive vet insurance is.

Thank you so much. I do everything for my babies and in return I get bad luck, Life's just not fair.

I literally went to a new vet because the last one wasn't too nice and was hoping I would finally get a good one after seeing good reviews. Right? No. Everyone before me/after me were praising the clinic/docs and how amazing they are how well they've been treated etc and when it's MY turn, the vet degrades me/would barely let me speak/dismiss me/stuck a thermometer up my cat's rectum secretively without my consent as I saw him wince/rush the appointment/ barely did anything/gave me common sense advice I already knew/ didn't even cut his nails etc and then boom I get charged $100 for practically nothing? I was so angry and pissed cuzz WHY ME?!? WTF I'm already anxiety filled stressed for my cat's health and now you're being rude to me?

Like I literally have bad luck running through my veins or something cuz there's no way I keep having horrible experiences as just coincidences. I cried so much and told my family who are medically incompetent to take him next time because my luck will just cause bad things. I already suffer from panic attacks and now I'm so traumatized and do not have the mental capacity to suffer through more bad vet experiences. That to only find out 2 days later about the whole pet insurance scheme. Surprised I haven't died from a heart attack yet from the stress of these last two days.

 

[Kyoko shima]

Thank you so much. I do everything for my babies and in return I get bad luck, Life's just not fair.

I literally went to a new vet because the last one wasn't too nice and was hoping I would finally get a good one after seeing good reviews. Right? No. Everyone before me/after me were praising the clinic/docs and how amazing they are how well they've been treated etc and when it's MY turn, the vet degrades me/would barely let me speak/dismiss me/stuck a thermometer up my cat's rectum secretively without my consent as I saw him wince/rush the appointment/ barely did anything/gave me common sense advice I already knew/ didn't even cut his nails etc and then boom I get charged $100 for practically nothing? I was so angry and pissed cuzz WHY ME?!? WTF I'm already anxiety filled stressed for my cat's health and now you're being rude to me?

Like I literally have bad luck running through my veins or something cuz there's no way I keep having horrible experiences as just coincidences. I cried so much and told my family who are medically incompetent to take him next time because my luck will just cause bad things. I already suffer from panic attacks and now I'm so traumatized and do not have the mental capacity to suffer through more bad vet experiences. That to only find out 2 days later about the whole pet insurance scheme. Surprised I haven't died from a heart attack yet from the stress of these last two days.

Wow that's really awful! I do hope something comes up and your cats will be cared for with love when you decide to go on, it's crazy how they charged you so much!

 

[Obliviate]

Wow that's really awful! I do hope something comes up and your cats will be cared for with love when you decide to go on, it's crazy how they charged you so much!

My heart cannot take any more of this inhumanity. It hurts so much to be constantly degraded/stepped on. I don't understand why people are so mean to me when I just want to be nice to everyone and be in peace. I'm already taking care of/updating everything for my cats to leave them in the best possible position before I leave. I honestly doubt I'll get a job so maybe I will leave soon. I mean I could technically leave now but I just want to spend some time with them before I go. I'm already whispering to them "Mommy will be watching over you from above I promise" while bawling in tears. I'd do anything for them, even give up my own life. Money is one issue but if I didn't have bad luck maybe I would've stayed and figured out a way for finances.

It's just not my destiny or in my cards. I'm not sure why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people all I know is I can't fucking take it anymore if this is gonna be my life for the next 60+ years

 

[Kyoko shima]

My heart cannot take any more of this inhumanity. It hurts so much to be constantly degraded/stepped on when I just want to be nice to everyone and be in peace. I'm already taking care of/updating everything for my cats to leave them in the best possible position before I leave. I honestly doubt I'll get a job so maybe I will leave soon. I mean I could technically leave now but I just want to spend some time with them before I go. I'm already whispering to them "Mommy will be watching over you from above I promise" while bawling in tears. I'd do anything for them, even give up my own life. Money is one issue but if I didn't have bad luck maybe I would've stayed and figured out a way for finances.

It's just not my destiny or in my cards. I'm not sure why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people all I know is I can't fucking take it anymore if this is gonna be my life for the next 60+ years

Ah I'm sorry for the heartbreak, truly this world will never not have heartbreak and it sucks. Well i hope you spend lots of time with your cats, how are you going to go anyhow? The cats are very lucky to have you.

 

[Obliviate]

Ah I'm sorry for the heartbreak, truly this world will never not have heartbreak and it sucks. Well i hope you spend lots of time with your cats, how are you going to go anyhow? The cats are very lucky to have you.

Inert Gas and SN for backup. I'm atleast grateful to have a peaceful option. It's the least I deserve. I've been planning it for months so hopefully luck will be on my side for once with ATLEAST suicide.

 

[Kyoko shima]

Inert Gas and SN for backup. I'm atleast grateful to have a peaceful option. It's the least I deserve. I've been planning it for months so hopefully luck will be on my side for once with ATLEAST suicide.

Oh i see! I hope it really is peaceful

 

[Obliviate]

Update: Things keep getting worse. Something else bad happened to me today that was rare but ofcourse it just had to happened to me This is the universe's way of saying "Alright pack it up, time for you to cross over, You're life is gonna be shit for the next 60y years so wrap it up"

 

[FuneralCry]

You really are so fortunate to have the option of a peaceful way to be free from this horrific world, but yes there really is nothing fair about this cruel existence that causes existing beings to suffer so unnecessarily. No wonder so many people want to die. But I do understand that it's so awful when what we go through just continues to get worse and worse, the way that I see it life itself will always be the true problem no matter what.

 

[BlackMilk]

You seem like such an empathetic kind person for thinking about your kitties wellbeing so much. I have the same problem with my doggie, because even if I stay here for her I know it'd only be for a few more years and then I would have nothing again. I cry every time I think about the fact my rats aren't long for this world either. Both my guinea pigs passed recently and I was filled with so much guilt and anger at myself. They were so much kinder than the average person is. I felt like a horrible human being after they left. I hope you find a little bit of peace soon my friend, and I wish you and your kitties nothing but happiness someday.

 

[Obliviate]

You seem like such an empathetic kind person for thinking about your kitties wellbeing so much. I have the same problem with my doggie, because even if I stay here for her I know it'd only be for a few more years and then I would have nothing again. I cry every time I think about the fact my rats aren't long for this world either. Both my guinea pigs passed recently and I was filled with so much guilt and anger at myself. They were so much kinder than the average person is. I felt like a horrible human being after they left. I hope you find a little bit of peace soon my friend, and I wish you and your kitties nothing but happiness someday.

Thank you so much for your kind words. No matter how good of a person I am, evil always prevails and seems to target me. My heart cannot bear to see them die, I have to go first before them. I am so sorry for your loss, it's horrible isn't it? I am sending you many good vibes and peace as well.

 

[Obliviate]

Well......this didn't age well at all LOL yeah UPDATE: Life got WORSE and there was no delusional "sign"

 

[rosegoldmoon]

I am so sorry that life only throws bad stuff at you. The feeling of no luck in any situation ever haunts me too, so I can really understand your frustration and pain. This world is so unfair to good souls like you.

Please, if you ever want to talk..Message me. I am here for you. <3

 

[Obliviate]

I am so sorry that life only throws bad stuff at you. The feeling of no luck in any situation ever haunts me too, so I can really understand your frustration and pain. This world is so unfair to good souls like you.

Please, if you ever want to talk..Message me. I am here for you. <3

Thank you so much, Still no job after applying to 200+ jobs that I am qualified for, worse family abuse, my cat now has health problems..........I tried being a good kind hearted person and all it did was leave me broken and cold. This world wasn't made for good people to survive. Now that I'm nearing the end I laugh when looking back at these old posts. Everything is just so.......pointless and yet I'm still scared to CTB

 

[Zaphkiel]

Hope everything alright, and your cat too. Are his health problem heavy or will it be okay?

 

[Obliviate]

Hope everything alright, and your cat too. Are his health problem heavy or will it be okay?

Well he's young and already has asthma and heart disease.....poor guy. I mentioned the bad luck of vets and it got even worse....we thought we finally found a new vet and then I caught her lying and she did medical negligence for my cat. It was a good thing I caught her before I gave my cat the medication. I filed a complaint but it turns out the board is also corrupted(surprise, surprise) and most likely nothing would happen so I said fuck it and just took it back. Things just get worse and worse. I also have another cat who will eventually get issues as well. It's just so heartbreaking and not to mention expensive af. The government doesn't see pets as living breathing beings but property/objects that we all love more than anything and they learned to capitalize off of that. My cats are the only ones that have ever shown me any love and frankly I would be gone already if I didn't have them. The ones that we love the most attracts the most corruption.

 

[Zaphkiel]

Oh it's harsh.
On the bright side my ex cat (now being taken care of by my ex wife) always had asthma and also a heart illness (I wouldn't be able to say the name in English, let say it was a fragile heart) and he is still 8 and rocking like it's nothing.
Hope it will be similar for yours
Keep us updated please.and not only for the cat...

 

[Ampsvx123]

You should have never had faith in Humanity. They are the architects of evil, of farms and slaughter houses. They are an abomination to Goodness and Love, and deserve the true horrors hidden behind the curtain of death. With time, they'll know the food chain goes far beyond brief little life. These that played God shall be made fools.

 

[sserafim]

With time, they'll know the food chain goes far beyond brief little life. These that played God shall be made fools.

Wdym?

You should have never had faith in Humanity. They are the architects of evil, of farms and slaughter houses.

So true

 

[Obliviate]

Oh it's harsh.
On the bright side my ex cat (now being taken care of by my ex wife) always had asthma and also a heart illness (I wouldn't be able to say the name in English, let say it was a fragile heart) and he is still 8 and rocking like it's nothing.
Hope it will be similar for yours
Keep us updated please.and not only for the cat...

Yes thank you for the affirmations. It's scary. I hope that I'll be able to look after them from above atleast.

You should have never had faith in Humanity. They are the architects of evil, of farms and slaughter houses. They are an abomination to Goodness and Love, and deserve the true horrors hidden behind the curtain of death. With time, they'll know the food chain goes far beyond brief little life. These that played God shall be made fools.

Absolutely. As you get older and older you get more conscious and you awaken. It's scary to think humans are soley in charge of this world. Everyday there's a new story about gangrape, murder, human right issues and no one is helping..... it makes me sick to my stomach. I wanted to have a career as a humanitarian be an advocate etc etc but the good ones always get taken out, it sucks. Most "special" and "good" people are killed and done wrong to anyways.

I roll my eyes whenever people say the world is mostly good or 99% of people "go to heaven" so out of touch with reality in their delusional state of minds. From my research evil has, is and looks like always will have the upper hand. why bother?

 

[Zaphkiel]

Yes it's scary and it's totally ok to feel worried about your fluffy compagnon.
but with luck it might not be something so bad. Let's finger cross!

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

Obliviate
I know what you feel. These are not empty words.
I haven't seen much good in life. And misfortunes rain down on me throughout my life, as if I am cursed.
I helped shelters for cats in russia that were maimed.
Before I ctb, I'm going to send all my money to cat shelters.


Don't think that god is sending you misfortune, unluck. If god existed, he would never do this. Perhaps the one who is called jesus exists. But he is no god. More like a demon that feeds on suffering. (Christians, don't be offended).

 

[Obliviate]

Yes it's scary and it's totally ok to feel worried about your fluffy compagnon.
but with luck it might not be something so bad. Let's finger cross!

Update: It got worse :)

My OTHER cat is now experiencing potential health problems.
I am so sick and tired of living. .........it would be fucked up for me to leave in the middle of this. So now I MIGHT have to wait a little until we figure out what's happening with him. I DO NOT want to have my last weeks in stress about my cats. EVERY SINGLE time I come close to my CTB time SOMETHING ALWAYS has to get in the way.

As soon as my cat gets checked out and we help him and he's settled.......i'm out. I LOVE my cats but I CANNOT see them like this it breaks my heart and gives me panic attacks.