Venting My internet history makes me want to CTB

[RosebyAnyName]

I've always wanted to be an artist on the internet, it's been my lifelong dream since I was a kid. I even recently started to gather resources towards making that dream a reality.

However, I also recently posted an unrelated photo on a private discord server and it made me think, what if I ever became popular from my art? Even if I make new accounts, what if someone recognized my old accounts based on what I posted? What if they linked it back to me and saw my internet history?

I'm not talking about what I say here on SaSu since I take great effort to remain 100% anonymous here.

I'm talking about harmful groups I was in that I posted my face and photos to. What if someone were to find that? It happens all the time with other artists on the internet, it's probably going to happen to me as well. Just thinking about it makes me want to give up right away and not bother, it's almost made me outright afraid of being an artist, or being on the internet at all. As much as I want to become an artist and post on the internet, I feel like I never can and it's my own fault so if I got doxxed / etc. then I'd deserve it.

I know realistically this scenario is unlikely, but the internet as a whole is just too stressful. I hate being this miserable over things that might happen. I think the internet, while a great resource, has ultimately made me more suicidal than I could have been. It brought out the worst in me. If anyone were to ever learn enough about me, they'd hate me without exception. Therefore, nobody in my life could ever truly care about me, because that care would be based on false premises.

 

[KSZ]

What kind of artist? Do you make graphical design or? Would love to see some of your work. I bet it's amazing.

 

[tinyghost]

its a bit of a reap what you sow sort of situation. i suppose it would depend on what exactly you said but if it was just hateful, there isnt really an excuse for that sort of thing. you just have to hope the appropriate people forgive you and then move on and grow. people will think what they think.

 

[february in alaska]

Having a digital footprint is hell. The amount of guilt and anxiety I've had over it, even as a little kid, is absolutely insane and I have a feeling we aren't the only ones, even more so for upcoming generations

Your post is painfully relatable to me. My dream job, and probably the only one that would ever make me happy is to be an online artist. I think I could even deal with fame, I think, as long as it was limited to an online space where I could still live my life as a recluse. But the idea of people being able to find me, doxx me, having no privacy, seeing shitty things I've said, mistakes I've made, even just cringe stuff from my past. I can't even live with the idea of it. I wish there was a way to bleach it all, just wipe every trace of myself away until right now and have a clean slate

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Having a digital footprint is hell. The amount of guilt and anxiety I've had over it, even as a little kid, is absolutely insane and I have a feeling we aren't the only ones, even more so for upcoming generations

Your post is painfully relatable to me. My dream job, and probably the only one that would ever make me happy is to be an online artist. I think I could even deal with fame, I think, as long as it was limited to an online space where I could still live my life as a recluse. But the idea of people being able to find me, doxx me, having no privacy, seeing shitty things I've said, mistakes I've made, even just cringe stuff from my past. I can't even live with the idea of it. I wish there was a way to bleach it all, just wipe every trace of myself away until right now and have a clean slate

This exactly, it's a constant burden to think about. I can't achieve my artistic goals and heal and move on from the past, because in practice I can only pick one. Lots of people could do both, but I can't because of my own (extremely avoidable) mistakes. Ironically, the worst of my digital footprint is from my attempts at finding community, but now I can never feel truly safe in any online community. If I could go back in time and kill my past self, then I would have already CTB'd.

 

[LonelyStarrySky]

I am also somebody who wants to be an artist, however the things I used to do before are kind of crazy and show my emotional instability and my interests could probably get me cancelled if it ever got exposed to that audience I could gain from a fanbase. But its just how I am, I do things impulsively and can imagine if I got into contact with a lot more people that I would gather a certain reputation due to my mental instability and that can cause me harrasment or other things thrown at me, at which point I would probably CTB.

 

[NoHorizon]

I've always wanted to be an artist on the internet, it's been my lifelong dream since I was a kid. I even recently started to gather resources towards making that dream a reality.

However, I also recently posted an unrelated photo on a private discord server and it made me think, what if I ever became popular from my art? Even if I make new accounts, what if someone recognized my old accounts based on what I posted? What if they linked it back to me and saw my internet history?

I'm not talking about what I say here on SaSu since I take great effort to remain 100% anonymous here.

I'm talking about harmful groups I was in that I posted my face and photos to. What if someone were to find that? It happens all the time with other artists on the internet, it's probably going to happen to me as well. Just thinking about it makes me want to give up right away and not bother, it's almost made me outright afraid of being an artist, or being on the internet at all. As much as I want to become an artist and post on the internet, I feel like I never can and it's my own fault so if I got doxxed / etc. then I'd deserve it.

I know realistically this scenario is unlikely, but the internet as a whole is just too stressful. I hate being this miserable over things that might happen. I think the internet, while a great resource, has ultimately made me more suicidal than I could have been. It brought out the worst in me. If anyone were to ever learn enough about me, they'd hate me without exception. Therefore, nobody in my life could ever truly care about me, because that care would be based on false premises.

Forgive me if this is a dumb suggestion, but with said groups/online footprints is it not possible for you to delete your accounts/posts?

Years back a colleague found an old social media page of mine and started showing people stupid and embarrassing photos I'd put on there as a teenager, and even though I was unable to access the account I found a support email for the company and gave them enough info to identify that it was me along with a request to delete everything and it all got removed so is no longer visible to anyone. Might be worth a try with the websites you have activity on that you'd prefer nobody to see.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Forgive me if this is a dumb suggestion, but with said groups/online footprints is it not possible for you to delete your accounts/posts?

Years back a colleague found an old social media page of mine and started showing people stupid and embarrassing photos I'd put on there as a teenager, and even though I was unable to access the account I found a support email for the company and gave them enough info to identify that it was me along with a request to delete everything and it all got removed so is no longer visible to anyone. Might be worth a try with the websites you have activity on that you'd prefer nobody to see.

That's actually a good idea and isn't dumb at all. Although you can't scrub everything from the internet, I think it's not a bad idea to try.