Story My incoherent rant/story thus far

[Atmosphere]

I had a relatively normal and stable life up until a little over a year ago. Was in a solid relationship for 6 years until it started to slowly deteriorate for the last 3. I ended up leaving my significant other mutually since we both had figured that we had dug the hole too deep for it to be recoverable. I left and moved back in with my mother, and being the coward that I am, I decided to cut off all contact with her despite her wanting to still maintain a good friendship after all that time. But truly i could not face her after what we had done to each other. Fast forward a few months, after blowing all my savings of alcohol and giving my mother every penny i had to stay there outside of that I had tried out having hookups with the same sex and found that i enjoyed that quite a bit and i started meeting people in secret etc. Now, my mother, i thought was always someone that was fine with that type of thing, i had never really had a want or need to try being with the same sex, but at that point i said why not yaknow.. and it made me feel good in a different way while dressing up n such cause people would say that im naturally really good at it. So after awhile i kind of just became two different people, a male and a female, but i didnt ever just exist as the female side. Now, my mother was picking up on the girly stuff, finding glitter, seeing that i had old eyeliner on ( didnt know how hard that shit was to get off) and stuff of that nature and she sorta just bullied me into coming out to her. Now, me and my mother never really got along but we also never really didnt, if that makes sense. We always tolerated each other because blood. Now, i came out to her finally, and to my surprise she exploded on me about it, called me derogatory things and basically pointed to the nearest homeless shelter. I was working, paying her, everything, and she just dumped me out at my lowest. I even just tried to hide it and just do my thing, pay her etc yaknow... I ended up having to move in with one of the fellas in was hooking up with and his girlfriend who was 100% for the meetings and such we were all basically friends and such, even though i knew that shit was fucking weird asf at the same time. It was fine for awhile but then i learned the true nature of who these people were. They dont give space, they dont have respect for peoples belongings, they dont even do basic things like clean up after themselves, a literal pigsty of a house that anyone would lose their mind being in such a negative living situation. I kept working and would just try to gtfo of there any chance icould. Pretending to sleep when theyd come opening my door, AND YES THEY WOULD JSUT COME INTO MY FUCKING ROOM, and just gejnerally trying to distance myself fromt them while trying to find a second job so i could gtfo of there and sustain myself. At this point I was at the lowest i had ever been, i met someone through a hookup app and i started using methamphetamine recreationally, before this is had spent 29 years of my life only ever having drank alcohol and smoked weed. But ice was something else, gave me synthetic happiness, that was just indescribable, and still is really. Now, i had met a guy that was starting to become special to me, he was like really nice and sweet and would let me stay over his place and stuff cause we had similar issues happen in life and we helped eachother with our similar trauma. After a few months he invited me to come and live with him, he didnt care about my addiction, and we worked together to pay his mortgage and take care of his cats and such it was nice to like build somethiung up again like i had before. And then, again, everything fucking fell to pieces.. He lost his job, and after he did he felt like he had nothing of importance left. He lost a lot in his life just like i have, but when he lost his job he always made me feel like i wasnt even there, like i did nothing for him. And obviously i know that a 5 minute conversation isnt going to fix everyones issues. But like all i wanted to do was show him he didnt have to be alone if he didnt want to... If he wanted space i gave it to him, if he wanted to talk to me id talk to him. But the issue was that if he ever did talk to me about stuff hed be drunk off his gourd, to an extent that hed wake up and completely forget what we had even talked about, even though our conversations seemed to always have a positive outcome on him. So idk what happened really, over a few months he devolved into someone that would drink viciously, and then berate me and make me feel wholly insignificant for anything and it was the worst feeling ever.. since i just wanted to do what he would tell me, and reassure him of his own ideas of getting better... Well, eventually it devolved into him physically assaulting me, after we had a long talk about me wanting him to just get himself help because i couldnt help him, and it did not end well for him, cause as soon as he put my hands on me I beat the fuck out of him and had to fucking move back in with the people that whisper about me and dont give me any space. I know this is a long winded and non sensical post from hell, but im at my wits end. Im putting cigarettes out on myself again, i made a noose and am just been contemplating going up to the park and hanging myself. the only thing holding me back is my best friend, cause i dont want to hurt her cause she helped me keep going through all this shit, But at the same time i feel like shes selfish for making me keep going even though i cant fucking stand what ive become and my only other option is leaving this hell and going to another one aka a homeless shelter.... My best friend lives overseas and i dont have enough funds to be able to support living on my own. So i really dont know what to do anymore... Im at wits end, i dont know who i am anymore, and im jsut ready to finally end it. And idek what my point of posting here is, i dont really want advice or a pat on the back or anything of that nature, ig its just to rant. idec if people read this whole thing... guess it just feels good aring out this whole thing, and typing is oddly satisfying,

TLDR: Its just a rant if youre a sweet and compassionate soul, dont bother reading and trying to help. Most of this post comes from just needing to read my own thoughts so i can formulate a decision... Thank fuck for this forum where i can actually post this without worrying about anything..

Thanks everyone..