GreenMarsh
Member
- Oct 17, 2023
- 61
For as long as I've started thinking about my future, I've had a feeling in the back of my mind that I never really wanted to move forward to begin with.
Later down the years, I'd come to find that this was caused by depression, but also would play into my current suicidal ideology.
For as long as I've had to seriously partake in adult life with things like finding a job, learning how to drive, and going to college, I've never been able to accomplish any of the successfully, and it's mainly because I don't have the motivation to, and the REASON why I don't have the motivation for it is that even if I DID attain those things, (a stable job, a car, an education), I wouldn't be satisfied with life, because my fundamental problem is that I am alive, not that I'm unsuccessful, albeit being unsuccessful certainly helps to fuel my need to kill myself.
I have tried attending college 4 times, and failed. I am currently on my 5th attempt and failing, since I don't bother to study (what's the point?). I even tried to go to the military, since I'm a healthy and fit young man, but I left through bootcamp, realizing that it wasn't going to make me any more fulfilled to be here, and I'd just have more responsibilities to deal with as I moved up the ranks.
For anyone curious, I also did psychiatric therapy (it's how I got my diagnosis, and subsequently my meds), none of which helped. My time with therapy was insightful in some ways to help better myself as a person, but it did not in fact drive up my desire to remain alive, rather it strengthened my resolve that this world is not for me.
I am mere months away from ending up in a precarious position, possibly homelessness, which would make it rather hard to kill myself. I hope my borrowed time serves me to find a way out before that happens.
So what do I want? I want a world that I cannot possibly have. Something utopian, akin to the video I've linked below. Obviously, something like this cannot exists in the real world, that's just silly, but I'm fine with that, because if I can't have it my way, I don't want it at all. May I find my peace someday. May you all too.
Later down the years, I'd come to find that this was caused by depression, but also would play into my current suicidal ideology.
For as long as I've had to seriously partake in adult life with things like finding a job, learning how to drive, and going to college, I've never been able to accomplish any of the successfully, and it's mainly because I don't have the motivation to, and the REASON why I don't have the motivation for it is that even if I DID attain those things, (a stable job, a car, an education), I wouldn't be satisfied with life, because my fundamental problem is that I am alive, not that I'm unsuccessful, albeit being unsuccessful certainly helps to fuel my need to kill myself.
I have tried attending college 4 times, and failed. I am currently on my 5th attempt and failing, since I don't bother to study (what's the point?). I even tried to go to the military, since I'm a healthy and fit young man, but I left through bootcamp, realizing that it wasn't going to make me any more fulfilled to be here, and I'd just have more responsibilities to deal with as I moved up the ranks.
For anyone curious, I also did psychiatric therapy (it's how I got my diagnosis, and subsequently my meds), none of which helped. My time with therapy was insightful in some ways to help better myself as a person, but it did not in fact drive up my desire to remain alive, rather it strengthened my resolve that this world is not for me.
I am mere months away from ending up in a precarious position, possibly homelessness, which would make it rather hard to kill myself. I hope my borrowed time serves me to find a way out before that happens.
So what do I want? I want a world that I cannot possibly have. Something utopian, akin to the video I've linked below. Obviously, something like this cannot exists in the real world, that's just silly, but I'm fine with that, because if I can't have it my way, I don't want it at all. May I find my peace someday. May you all too.
