My ideas will die with me

[february in alaska]

I'm not trying to sound egotistical by saying I have all these amazing unique ideas and they're all going to die when I do. But I really do have all these ideas and stories and ideas for writing and art that I wish I had the time and motivation to send out into the word before I left.

And more importantly, it got me thinking about everyone else's ideas. All the amazing things that never happened because people died, whether they chose to or not. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm saying people should stay alive just so they aren't "wasting" potential… but it's just sad to me. So many people have all this potential but it never happens, whether that's because they aren't in a good financial situation, they don't have motivation, they never find the time, they die before they're able to, or the idea just fails.

I wish life was more about following your passions and doing what you want. I don't really know where I'm going with this thread but that's life I guess lol. Does anyone feel similarly?

 

[edu0z]

I know this may sound rude and cruel: If you have so many ideas and you yourself can't find the motivation to carry them out and give them life, then those ideas are not worth the effort. If you yourself don't appreciate your inspiration, then how do you expect the rest of the world to?"

Art is a necessity, it is not about motivation. When I feel the need to create something and express myself, I either do it or the anxiety kills me.

 

[february in alaska]

I know this may sound rude and cruel: If you have so many ideas and you yourself can't find the motivation to carry them out and give them life, then those ideas are not worth the effort. If you yourself don't appreciate your inspiration, then how do you expect the rest of the world to?"

Art is a necessity, it is not about motivation. When I feel the need to create something and express myself, I either do it or the anxiety kills me.

That's an interesting way to think about it! Hm. Honestly, the only things still making my hesitate are my mom and my art.

If it was just the art, I would love to do it. But it feels like this world will never appreciate art enough. I can't keep living a life I overwhelmingly hate just for the few scraps of joy I have when I find small moments to create

Still, the fact that I'm hesitating at all makes me wonder if I'm actually going to chicken out at the last moment. I clearly haven't hit rock bottom yet, although sometimes I wish I had. I wish it was more straightforward

 

[FLYMOUTH]

lord, i feel ya. i'm a writer/artist myself but am not pursuing it career-wise because of Finances, and it's becoming abundantly obvious that the whole little universe in my brain is going down with me, like im the god giving up on the world i made. it's a miserable feeling, but i assure you you are not alone in it!

 

[february in alaska]

lord, i feel ya. i'm a writer/artist myself but am not pursuing it career-wise because of Finances, and it's becoming abundantly obvious that the whole little universe in my brain is going down with me, like im the god giving up on the world i made. it's a miserable feeling, but i assure you you are not alone in it!

You put it perfectly with the 'little universe in your brain', that's exactly how it feels. I've always preferred living in my own head.

The kind of life I could see myself genuinely enjoying just isn't realistic. And it makes me terribly sad lol

 

[spacehardware]

I feel this way too. I am also a creative. Or was. I don't have the energy anymore. I have also completely lost faith in my own ability. I used to think I was talented. I am a shell now of what I once was. Every so often I still get a flash of inspiration for a story or poem, sometimes I even go to reach for a pen. But I talk myself out of it, either because I fear it won't live up to my own standards quality wise, or because it's pointless if I know I'll never get to finish writing it.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

The world is a trash heap that is causing people like you to want to CTB. It doesn't deserve your great ideas. Or anyone's great ideas for that matter. The world just needs to burn itself down. Humans have evolved into a despicable species. An extinction event needs to happen.

 

[february in alaska]

The world is a trash heap that is causing people like you to want to CTB. It doesn't deserve your great ideas. Or anyone's great ideas for that matter. The world just needs to burn itself down. Humans have evolved into a despicable species. An extinction event needs to happen.

Art aside, I completely agree. I have no issue with the concept of life, just human life. We're a parasite to the earth

I feel this way too. I am also a creative. Or was. I don't have the energy anymore. I have also completely lost faith in my own ability. I used to think I was talented. I am a shell now of what I once was. Every so often I still get a flash of inspiration for a story or poem, sometimes I even go to reach for a pen. But I talk myself out of it, either because I fear it won't live up to my own standards quality wise, or because it's pointless if I know I'll never get to finish writing it.

I know this feeling too well, oh man. I'm sorry. Clearly this isn't the place for solutions, but something I've been trying to do within the last few weeks is just to take out a piece of paper and draw anything. I go in with the mindset that it's going to be terrible (it usually is anyway :')

I don't know if that helps at all, and I know it's easier said than done. Best of luck to you though.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

and it's becoming abundantly obvious that the whole little universe in my brain is going down with me, like im the god giving up on the world i made

Was about to say something similar. Each one of us is a unique hidden world by itself, wether it has worth or not. To me it's like that old proverb : When an old man dies, a library burns to the ground.

 

[f1f7y8yoL053r]

When money is the most important thing in life, a lot of potential, especially art, gets wasted.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's part of the tragedy of life. There have been billions of people who have existed each with their own story just as rich and unique as that of anyone alive today, but almost all of which have been consigned to oblivion.

 

[i can't wait to die]

I'm not trying to sound egotistical by saying I have all these amazing unique ideas and they're all going to die when I do. But I really do have all these ideas and stories and ideas for writing and art that I wish I had the time and motivation to send out into the word before I left.

And more importantly, it got me thinking about everyone else's ideas. All the amazing things that never happened because people died, whether they chose to or not. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm saying people should stay alive just so they aren't "wasting" potential… but it's just sad to me. So many people have all this potential but it never happens, whether that's because they aren't in a good financial situation, they don't have motivation, they never find the time, they die before they're able to, or the idea just fails.

I wish life was more about following your passions and doing what you want. I don't really know where I'm going with this thread but that's life I guess lol. Does anyone feel similarly?

Your words deeply touched me bc i am also an artist, and everytime i think about wanting to ctb i feel a burning pain in the fact that there are so many stories and characters and ideas i want to draw, paint, animate and bring to life. Fuck, daydreaming about those ideas IS what is currently keeping me alive, but i cant give them life if i myself don't want to be alive, sometimes i wish those tiny bits of happiness i get from creating were gone so i could just go with no remorse.

I think is sorta conected to being forgotten, your ideas are only in your head and once you are gone they.. well they die with you and there is a horror in knowing that it will never be recovered or seen by anyone else, those lights that gave you so much joy in this shit life completely deleted.

 

[caninecomposer]

No matter what you share with the world, it isn't going to last forever anyway. I've found it to be an unjustifiable gamble that my work even comes across anyone capable of understanding or appreciating it, much less caring about it. The juice is not worth the squeeze. People suck.

 

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

That was my biggest fear when I contemplated the idea of killing myself. Losing all the beauty that is in me and in my thoughts. You see, I love life, I think it's really beautiful. I just don't know if the mode of production we have today supports a good existence. It is necessary to make everything false in order to exist. What I did was write a book with my ideas regarding suicide. I am a philosopher, I will never stop being one, even in my death I need to articulate my thoughts. It's already 90 pages long, probably the longest suicide letter lol.

Today my money is definitely gone. I'm seeing my death up close. I no longer feel pain in letting my ideas die. I recorded a series of songs, some originals and some covers too. I thought about really leaving a mark on the last state of my being. It might be good, if you have this feeling maybe writing down your ideas will help.

 

[edu0z]

That's an interesting way to think about it! Hm. Honestly, the only things still making my hesitate are my mom and my art.

If it was just the art, I would love to do it. But it feels like this world will never appreciate art enough. I can't keep living a life I overwhelmingly hate just for the few scraps of joy I have when I find small moments to create

Still, the fact that I'm hesitating at all makes me wonder if I'm actually going to chicken out at the last moment. I clearly haven't hit rock bottom yet, although sometimes I wish I had. I wish it was more straightforward

lord, i feel ya. i'm a writer/artist myself but am not pursuing it career-wise because of Finances, and it's becoming abundantly obvious that the whole little universe in my brain is going down with me, like im the god giving up on the world i made. it's a miserable feeling, but i assure you you are not alone in it!

research about the sikszentmihalyi flow zone. He wrote a lot about it. The flow zone is something that artists experience when they create and is obfuscated by exactly what you describe. Sometimes it takes you out of the flow zone to think about money, whether your work is going to sell or not, sometimes it's the criticism... do your research on that, I recommend it.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I thought about this same thing when I drew a character I invented on the pages of the diary, that this shared story has a beginning and an end, at least for this life.

 

[Agon321]

That's true. Our system is broken, and the worst thing is that we have no way to change it. Unfortunately, many outstanding people did not realize their potential because they were unlucky or were simply prevented from doing so. I feel like we're going nowhere. Well, this may be due to the fact that my mental condition has recently deteriorated and I don't see any optimism. I would like our species to stop with idiotic conflicts and focus entirely on development. Unfortunately, nature prevents us from doing so, because that's who we are. Wars have shaped us and we cannot suddenly change our attitude. Perhaps it is only because of this militancy that we are as developed as we are today. Perhaps this is a condition for development... or maybe not.

 

[R_N]

I don't think it matters in all honesty. Humans give and take value from things, then we die and we don't get to observe it. Regardless, most people operate on their emotions, what drives them, what they get attached to etc. And since we are not really rational that seeps into how others perceive what we do. Humans project themselves into everything they experience and what others really meant is lost on them more or less. And let's not forget that history is rewritten plenty of times and that humans use everything to gain "advantage" and to satisfy their own needs, including your "legacy".

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry. :( Maybe you can write down what you have, upload it to like Pastebin, WattPad, or something, and hope someone finds it one day~ I suppose all my stories, knowledge, and memories will leave with me too. :( I do hope I get all the good memories written down sometime tho~

 

[Forever Sleep]

Oh definitely- and like you say- it's not just death or suicide that does it- although- that maybe does it the most effectively!

I'm creative too. I have amazingly talented creative friends who are working wage slave jobs. That I find so sad but it's so difficult to sustain yourself financially in a creative job. Plus- creative people die a slow death in wage slave jobs. It feels like your soul is being sucked out. So- I know people will say about continuing it as a hobby but it can be so difficult. Especially if you are having to work full time and you're utterly exhausted and miserable in any time off.

Other things though too- illness, disability. It's so cruel when amazing artists are struck down with things that stop them from doing what they love. I think I'd prefer to be killed outright personally.

Still- ultimately- when it comes to suicide- I feel that we don't actually owe this world anything. Artist's Art belongs to them. They only owe others if they have been paid or commissioned to do it but it's probably wrong of us to expect things from them. Anyone's mind belongs to them and it's up to them how much they want to use it, what they want to share, whether they want to destroy it. Still- maybe it's a great compliment to wonder what a person could have achieved if things had turned out differently.

I wish I could see new films with Philip Seymour Hoffman in. I wish Van Gogh had lived long enough to know success in his own lifetime- although you have to wonder whether it was partly his tragic story that catapulted him to fame. Then- you get the really tragic cases like Tim Curry or Iris Murdoch where a stroke or Alzeimer's stopped short their careers.

 

[february in alaska]

That's true. Our system is broken, and the worst thing is that we have no way to change it. Unfortunately, many outstanding people did not realize their potential because they were unlucky or were simply prevented from doing so. I feel like we're going nowhere. Well, this may be due to the fact that my mental condition has recently deteriorated and I don't see any optimism. I would like our species to stop with idiotic conflicts and focus entirely on development. Unfortunately, nature prevents us from doing so, because that's who we are. Wars have shaped us and we cannot suddenly change our attitude. Perhaps it is only because of this militancy that we are as developed as we are today. Perhaps this is a condition for development... or maybe not.

Yeah. It's interesting. I personally believe it comes down to capitalism and the way society values money over happiness. It isn't profitable for people to follow their dreams, it isn't profitable for all people to be comfortable and happy and content. The vast majority of us are incentivized purely by fear: the only path out is to work ourselves to death in a job we likely hate. And even still, there is very little hope for a proper retirement or an "end", because it isn't profitable for people to start enjoying their lives after they're old.

Then again, even if everything was overthrown, I don't have a lot of hope something better would follow and fix it all. At this point I think I really just hate humans

 

[Agon321]

Yeah. It's interesting. I personally believe it comes down to capitalism and the way society values money over happiness. It isn't profitable for people to follow their dreams, it isn't profitable for all people to be comfortable and happy and content. The vast majority of us are incentivized purely by fear: the only path out is to work ourselves to death in a job we likely hate. And even still, there is very little hope for a proper retirement or an "end", because it isn't profitable for people to start enjoying their lives after they're old.

Then again, even if everything was overthrown, I don't have a lot of hope something better would follow and fix it all. At this point I think I really just hate humans

Unfortunately, you're right. What demotivates me the most is death. I can't even try to change something in my life because I don't see the point in it. I have no motivation to fight because I will die sooner or later. Knowing the irony of the world, I would become terminally ill the moment I felt happy :). Unfortunately, I am not a person who believes in religion. I say unfortunately because maybe it would make my life a little easier. Well, I can't convince myself to believe in God. I also feel small in the face of the Universe. When I read about the size of the Universe, I feel a sense of emptiness. Our species is currently very small and insignificant. That's why I wrote that I would like people to have many more opportunities to develop. To break out of this loop that destroys us from birth to death. We don't know what we are chasing and why. It's fucking exhausting. For example, you cannot do what you like because the world gives you completely different requirements. I'd like to know the fucking purpose of our and other species' existence. No one gave us an instruction manual for this world, which is why each next generation has to shed tears and blood. I would like to know the explanation, but I have no illusions that it will ever happen. I'm afraid death will be a huge disappointment.

 

[february in alaska]

Unfortunately, you're right. What demotivates me the most is death. I can't even try to change something in my life because I don't see the point in it. I have no motivation to fight because I will die sooner or later. Knowing the irony of the world, I would become terminally ill the moment I felt happy :). Unfortunately, I am not a person who believes in religion. I say unfortunately because maybe it would make my life a little easier. Well, I can't convince myself to believe in God. I also feel small in the face of the Universe. When I read about the size of the Universe, I feel a sense of emptiness. Our species is currently very small and insignificant. That's why I wrote that I would like people to have many more opportunities to develop. To break out of this loop that destroys us from birth to death. We don't know what we are chasing and why. It's fucking exhausting. For example, you cannot do what you like because the world gives you completely different requirements. I'd like to know the fucking purpose of our and other species' existence. No one gave us an instruction manual for this world, which is why each next generation has to shed tears and blood. I would like to know the explanation, but I have no illusions that it will ever happen. I'm afraid death will be a huge disappointment.

I have a feeling you're right. As much as I hope the afterlife gives us ultimate freedom or "god mode" or is at least comforting, I think that absolute nothingness waits for us. Which for some people is comforting, but I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I wish I believed in some kind of religion too. It sounds so nice, to fully believe that you know exactly what is going to happen, that you have a purpose and all that.

For the rest of us, all it is is chaos and noise for the sake of it. I don't know how people can just live their lives the way they do. An (admittedly resentful) part of me thinks they're just living in blissful ignorance, but maybe the truth is that they're really just mentally more equipped to deal with all of this

 

[Agon321]

I have a feeling you're right. As much as I hope the afterlife gives us ultimate freedom or "god mode" or is at least comforting, I think that absolute nothingness waits for us. Which for some people is comforting, but I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I wish I believed in some kind of religion too. It sounds so nice, to fully believe that you know exactly what is going to happen, that you have a purpose and all that.

For the rest of us, all it is is chaos and noise for the sake of it. I don't know how people can just live their lives the way they do. An (admittedly resentful) part of me thinks they're just living in blissful ignorance, but maybe the truth is that they're really just mentally more equipped to deal with all of this

Personally, nothingness scares me. Probably because man cannot imagine nothingness. This is abstract to me and causes great discomfort. I want to live, but in a better place, being a better person. By the way. I understand that you have CTB planned in February? I wanted to finish it by the end of this year, but I already know it won't work :). I initially postponed it to January/February. I'll have to do it sooner or later anyway, so it's just a matter of time. I hope you will succeed in what you set out to do. I guess you must be feeling very extreme emotions. At least that's what I had and still have. If I may ask, why February?

 

[february in alaska]

Personally, nothingness scares me. Probably because man cannot imagine nothingness. This is abstract to me and causes great discomfort. I want to live, but in a better place, being a better person. By the way. I understand that you have CTB planned in February? I wanted to finish it by the end of this year, but I already know it won't work :). I initially postponed it to January/February. I'll have to do it sooner or later anyway, so it's just a matter of time. I hope you will succeed in what you set out to do. I guess you must be feeling very extreme emotions. At least that's what I had and still have. If I may ask, why February?

Oh, definitely. I'm a mess of emotions lately, swinging from extreme apathy to existential terror to complete peace every few days. I've had suicidal thought for almost my entire life, but having a concrete plan and a deadline is another feeling entirely. I can't even begin to explain how it feels, but I'm guessing you already know it yourself :')

February turned into my date mostly just from a process of elimination. I'm trying to avoid family birthdays, I needed it to be after the holidays were over. My apartment lease is also ending and university graduation is coming up within a few months, so there are some big financial investments I'm trying to avoid. It feels like a pretty natural ending point. Plus, since Spring is usually associated with "rebirth", I find it fitting that I hopefully won't be around for it.

It's always bittersweet to talk to people who are leaving around the same time as me, but it's nice to know that I won't be leaving alone. I really do hope that the afterlife is a kinder place for all of us.

 

[CTB_random]

I'm not trying to sound egotistical by saying I have all these amazing unique ideas and they're all going to die when I do. But I really do have all these ideas and stories and ideas for writing and art that I wish I had the time and motivation to send out into the word before I left.

And more importantly, it got me thinking about everyone else's ideas. All the amazing things that never happened because people died, whether they chose to or not. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm saying people should stay alive just so they aren't "wasting" potential… but it's just sad to me. So many people have all this potential but it never happens, whether that's because they aren't in a good financial situation, they don't have motivation, they never find the time, they die before they're able to, or the idea just fails.

I wish life was more about following your passions and doing what you want. I don't really know where I'm going with this thread but that's life I guess lol. Does anyone feel similarly?

If i may suggest, why not write a book before you die? It would solve your problems before you die and what if they become popular after your death like franz kafka and tons of other artists (also van goth)

 

[tinystomps]

I'm not trying to sound egotistical by saying I have all these amazing unique ideas and they're all going to die when I do. But I really do have all these ideas and stories and ideas for writing and art that I wish I had the time and motivation to send out into the word before I left.

And more importantly, it got me thinking about everyone else's ideas. All the amazing things that never happened because people died, whether they chose to or not. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm saying people should stay alive just so they aren't "wasting" potential… but it's just sad to me. So many people have all this potential but it never happens, whether that's because they aren't in a good financial situation, they don't have motivation, they never find the time, they die before they're able to, or the idea just fails.

I wish life was more about following your passions and doing what you want. I don't really know where I'm going with this thread but that's life I guess lol. Does anyone feel similarly?

I guess I'm a hypocrite for saying this but I genuinely don't want you to go. People who are creative like you are very rare. Your talent is incredibly unique and I'm sure your ideas are one-of-a-kind. This world is full of cruel people droning out the same garbage day in and day out. We need more people like you, innovative and unique, to bring color, life, and happiness to the rest of us, those suffering, depressed, and to the naysayers who are apathetic and cruel.

 

[february in alaska]

I guess I'm a hypocrite for saying this but I genuinely don't want you to go. People who are creative like you are very rare. Your talent is incredibly unique and I'm sure your ideas are one-of-a-kind. This world is full of cruel people droning out the same garbage day in and day out. We need more people like you, innovative and unique, to bring color, life, and happiness to the rest of us, those suffering, depressed, and to the naysayers who are apathetic and cruel.

I'm a hypocrite too, when I see people I think are fascinating and interesting and important, I don't want them to go either. And in a different world, I would love to stay and give it my all. But right now I'm just too tired. Wishful thinking, but I hope there's some kind of afterlife that allows me to go on creating stories and things in some way. That sounds nice.

It's really kind of you to say that though. I appreciate the thought. Take care

 

[tinystomps]

I'm a hypocrite too, when I see people I think are fascinating and interesting and important, I don't want them to go either. And in a different world, I would love to stay and give it my all. But right now I'm just too tired. Wishful thinking, but I hope there's some kind of afterlife that allows me to go on creating stories and things in some way. That sounds nice.

It's really kind of you to say that though. I appreciate the thought. Take care

I feel the same way honestly. Every day I'm smeared with something new and an even more atrocious rumor than the day before. This time they took it way too far and I just don't want to be alive anymore. I think I've had and seen enough.

My meds are working right now so I'll probably not do it but I'm going to go ahead and buy all the supplies and make a suicide go bag so that if the day comes where I've had enough I can just grab the bag and take myself out. I'm tired of this shit.

I learned this year that sometimes the truth is not enough.

 

[Groundhog_Day]

Personally, nothingness scares me. Probably because man cannot imagine nothingness. This is abstract to me and causes great discomfort.

I agree, oblivion seems scarier than going to some kind of hell.

What I try to tell myself is that the universe is 13.7 billion years old before I was born, and if I was nothingness then, I have no memory of it, so hopefully it was ok.

What really scares me is, what if everything is eternal, after you die, this universe plays out, and a new big bang occurs and it all starts over again, and eventually we return to a new consciousness in another universe. Because we were in nothingness, it will feel like a blink of an eye. Maybe this life I'm living now is my 7 billionth lifetime!