letsalllovelain:3
Lain Follower from Wired
- Apr 14, 2023
- 36
THIS IS A LONG POST. TW SA, Narcissism, Bullying, mentions of ED
Hi. Today I came here to post my own opinion about therapy. Disclaimer - I'm not here to shit on therapy per say, more like to share my own experiences and the way I think it looks, at least to me. So don't take my words to your heart entirely.
1. About my life (you can skip this one, but I wrote it to get the full context of my opinions)
To narrow it down a little and somewhat start, my life is shit (pretty much like 90% of everyone else here). I was living with an undiagnosed disability, autism and ADHD, my whole life. I got severely bullied for it, both from school environment and my own family. I started to think about suicide around the age of 12, tried to commit countless times. My mother is a narcissist that I have cut contacts with almost entirely - I can't go full no contact because of my younger sibling. My father figure was always non-existent. I have both mommy and daddy issues, never had even a decent relationship with any side of my parents nor their sides of their families. I was a family scapegoat to belittle by everyone around, so when I moved out, I had to cut contacts with almost everyone, for the sake of my own sanity. I was sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend many times, thinking that whatever he was doing was normal. I am an easy to manipulate person due to having too much empathy and being gullible.
As you may guess, I have tried reaching for help to professionals. Or at least so I thought, since my country still doesn't take mental health seriously enough. I went to multiple psychiatrists, school counselors and psychologists. I had a lot of different experiences with each one of them but until I got my disability diagnosed (and I was allowed to say everything what was happening at home - which was when I hit the age of the adult), they all had pretty much one thing in common - ignorance. Blissful ignorance.
My birth giver (she doesn't deserve to be called a mother) didn't take my problems seriously at first, she was sweeping them under the floor saying that "I'm making everything up out of boredom" and that "I should be grateful that I didn't have it as bad as she did". Oh, and she was constantly gaslighting me sometimes that I made up some memories out of blue. Classic.
But anyway, my first psychologist was around my age of 14-15, in middle school. I was told beforehand by my birth giver that I'm not allowed to say what happens at home or there will be consequences. As I take everything seriously and literally, I was scared. So I decided to only talk about my school related problems, since that was the only thing I was allowed to openly share.
You know, these so-called professionals don't do much, really. They just listen and nod. Maybe sometimes scribble what you said and that's it. They don't even bother to help you at all most of the time, moreover, they bitch you politely that you should be grateful that they have time to listen to your struggles. Some of them gaslighted me that these are not a big thing and I should just go on. One of the school counselors I was visiting pretty often was just sending me out to class, because studying is very important and I have to go. Yeah, how the hell am I supposed to focus on class if the thoughts on my head are running and telling me to ctb? This specific counselor was also very religious, so you can guess how some things went. She was saying that masturbating is a sin, I can't do makeup yada yada. Oh and that my perfect future boyfriend won't want me, because I did premarital sex. Great, ruin my mood more <3
2. The experience of getting help
I am a severely suicidal person. I will ctb in next 5-10 years because I still have a few things to do. So, in hope of maybe feeling better, we all tried to reach some help, right? So here's my experience.
As previously and briefly stated, I was going to some random school psychologists to get help, since my birth giver didn't want to pay for someone more competent (she thought they would do the same job anyway). And as also previously said before, I wasn't allowed to talk about everything. Though, after some time and teenage rebellion kicking in, I did start - I was too sick of her ruining my life as well. What happened? Some of them were just brushing it off as my mom showing her "love" to me the way she does, that she just cares a lot. Some of them got actually concerned and called her to school to talk to her. And after their talk with each other, they started saying the same thing. So, I started to think - Jesus, maybe am I really making up my problems? Maybe *I* am the real abuser and manipulator? But turns out that after some years and digging up on the Internet, I found out that narcissists are just great manipulators and will do anything to portray YOU as the villain of the story. So, if you resonate with this part - don't worry, there's probably nothing wrong with you. But that actually makes me think - aren't these so-called mental help professionals supposed to see manipulation techniques? Why were all of them falling for it so easily? This question will probably just remain unanswered so I will leave it be. Let's just go on.
I also have heard the classic "go outside", "try working out", "eat healthier" etc. Let me debunk these for you:
- going outside won't really help your problems get solved. Sure, you may feel slightly better with refreshing air, but it didn't work for me like this most of the time + it felt like another boring chore to do. The thoughts in my head are still there, even though I'm trying to distract myself with taking a walk, doing some movement. Which will bring us to the next point.
- Yeah, working out is good and will boost you up. Temporarily. The pain of existence is still there. Nothing.
- This specific advice almost got me into some eating disorder. I had a psychologist in high school that was really seeming to be aggressive about me eating high processed food and that my eating habits are the main reason of my mood. I will admit, my diet is not the best, but bitching to me about eating pre-made dumplings? And not eating bio veggies? I started feeling very self conscious and anxious about eating anything.
So yeah. Most of them don't care and won't even bother to care. They just see you as another fucker in their office to bother their precious time at work they're signed up to do.
2.5 Getting an actual professional help
When I finally managed to move out from my family, I found out a great therapist that actually somewhat helped me. I got to know that the major root of my problems is living with an undiagnosed disability. Good to know, it answered a lot of my questions I have raised ever since. But did she (the therapist) fixed my problems? Not exactly. I was telling her my story many times, yet we were only getting to know how it impacted my life, mental health etc. She didn't really give me any advice on what I can do with myself to improve. They all just listen and nothing else. Okay, they may say what's wrong but that's about it - I'm tired of my problems to be just listened to.
When I had one of my ctb tried she said something that shocked me a bit - that if I try to ctb or just merely want to die, therapy won't work and I can stop going to therapy because it won't help me at all. At first, as I said, I was shocked - does it really work that way? And after that, I was stressed and anxious to even tell her I'm thinking of cbt-ing or wanting to die. I didn't want her to be angry at me (at least that's how it felt).
After some time has passed, I had to quit therapy from financial reasons. I can't afford getting any help besides a psychiatrist once a few months up to this day. Many things have happened by then but I got up to one conclusion - my therapist was probably right and therapy is just not for me.
3. Thoughts and opinions
So, was therapy actually helpful to me? Only up to some extend. Sure, I'm not around toxic people anymore, I accommodate myself up to my needs, I try to do all this healthy shit normal people do on daily basis. But I still feel empty and unhappy. I have to force myself to do absolutely everything, even things that are supposedly for me to bring me joy or taking care of my basic needs like making myself food. It's not like I don't have any energy, I just have no motivation. I genuinely feel no happiness from my life and literally the only things keeping me alive are my goals of making two games and becoming a successful VTuber. And that's it. After that, I just simply wish to disappear from this planet and never be heard from again. Most likely I won't change my mind after this many years. I tried everything that was supposed to help me and I can confidently say that nothing works. I'm a lost cause.
4. Final conclusion
Is therapy itself bad? No, I don't think so. It can open your eyes on things that you may probably have never bother to think before. I would say that therapy is only helpful if you know how to act on your own with your problems. Therapy is, in my opinion, misleadingly advertised as a fix of them. I would say it's only here if you need someone to talk to or learn why things happened the way they did. Yeah, you may hear and advice or two on how to work on them, but if they won't work out for you, these professionals will only shrug it off, tell you to move on and charge you money for their time. I would say that therapy is a big 50/50. It either will help you or not - that depends on you as a person and your problem. But it's certainly worth giving a shot because it's better than nothing.
Thank you for your time and attention to my post. I would like to read your opinions and experiences as well :)
Have a nice day!
Hi. Today I came here to post my own opinion about therapy. Disclaimer - I'm not here to shit on therapy per say, more like to share my own experiences and the way I think it looks, at least to me. So don't take my words to your heart entirely.
1. About my life (you can skip this one, but I wrote it to get the full context of my opinions)
To narrow it down a little and somewhat start, my life is shit (pretty much like 90% of everyone else here). I was living with an undiagnosed disability, autism and ADHD, my whole life. I got severely bullied for it, both from school environment and my own family. I started to think about suicide around the age of 12, tried to commit countless times. My mother is a narcissist that I have cut contacts with almost entirely - I can't go full no contact because of my younger sibling. My father figure was always non-existent. I have both mommy and daddy issues, never had even a decent relationship with any side of my parents nor their sides of their families. I was a family scapegoat to belittle by everyone around, so when I moved out, I had to cut contacts with almost everyone, for the sake of my own sanity. I was sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend many times, thinking that whatever he was doing was normal. I am an easy to manipulate person due to having too much empathy and being gullible.
As you may guess, I have tried reaching for help to professionals. Or at least so I thought, since my country still doesn't take mental health seriously enough. I went to multiple psychiatrists, school counselors and psychologists. I had a lot of different experiences with each one of them but until I got my disability diagnosed (and I was allowed to say everything what was happening at home - which was when I hit the age of the adult), they all had pretty much one thing in common - ignorance. Blissful ignorance.
My birth giver (she doesn't deserve to be called a mother) didn't take my problems seriously at first, she was sweeping them under the floor saying that "I'm making everything up out of boredom" and that "I should be grateful that I didn't have it as bad as she did". Oh, and she was constantly gaslighting me sometimes that I made up some memories out of blue. Classic.
But anyway, my first psychologist was around my age of 14-15, in middle school. I was told beforehand by my birth giver that I'm not allowed to say what happens at home or there will be consequences. As I take everything seriously and literally, I was scared. So I decided to only talk about my school related problems, since that was the only thing I was allowed to openly share.
You know, these so-called professionals don't do much, really. They just listen and nod. Maybe sometimes scribble what you said and that's it. They don't even bother to help you at all most of the time, moreover, they bitch you politely that you should be grateful that they have time to listen to your struggles. Some of them gaslighted me that these are not a big thing and I should just go on. One of the school counselors I was visiting pretty often was just sending me out to class, because studying is very important and I have to go. Yeah, how the hell am I supposed to focus on class if the thoughts on my head are running and telling me to ctb? This specific counselor was also very religious, so you can guess how some things went. She was saying that masturbating is a sin, I can't do makeup yada yada. Oh and that my perfect future boyfriend won't want me, because I did premarital sex. Great, ruin my mood more <3
2. The experience of getting help
I am a severely suicidal person. I will ctb in next 5-10 years because I still have a few things to do. So, in hope of maybe feeling better, we all tried to reach some help, right? So here's my experience.
As previously and briefly stated, I was going to some random school psychologists to get help, since my birth giver didn't want to pay for someone more competent (she thought they would do the same job anyway). And as also previously said before, I wasn't allowed to talk about everything. Though, after some time and teenage rebellion kicking in, I did start - I was too sick of her ruining my life as well. What happened? Some of them were just brushing it off as my mom showing her "love" to me the way she does, that she just cares a lot. Some of them got actually concerned and called her to school to talk to her. And after their talk with each other, they started saying the same thing. So, I started to think - Jesus, maybe am I really making up my problems? Maybe *I* am the real abuser and manipulator? But turns out that after some years and digging up on the Internet, I found out that narcissists are just great manipulators and will do anything to portray YOU as the villain of the story. So, if you resonate with this part - don't worry, there's probably nothing wrong with you. But that actually makes me think - aren't these so-called mental help professionals supposed to see manipulation techniques? Why were all of them falling for it so easily? This question will probably just remain unanswered so I will leave it be. Let's just go on.
I also have heard the classic "go outside", "try working out", "eat healthier" etc. Let me debunk these for you:
- going outside won't really help your problems get solved. Sure, you may feel slightly better with refreshing air, but it didn't work for me like this most of the time + it felt like another boring chore to do. The thoughts in my head are still there, even though I'm trying to distract myself with taking a walk, doing some movement. Which will bring us to the next point.
- Yeah, working out is good and will boost you up. Temporarily. The pain of existence is still there. Nothing.
- This specific advice almost got me into some eating disorder. I had a psychologist in high school that was really seeming to be aggressive about me eating high processed food and that my eating habits are the main reason of my mood. I will admit, my diet is not the best, but bitching to me about eating pre-made dumplings? And not eating bio veggies? I started feeling very self conscious and anxious about eating anything.
So yeah. Most of them don't care and won't even bother to care. They just see you as another fucker in their office to bother their precious time at work they're signed up to do.
2.5 Getting an actual professional help
When I finally managed to move out from my family, I found out a great therapist that actually somewhat helped me. I got to know that the major root of my problems is living with an undiagnosed disability. Good to know, it answered a lot of my questions I have raised ever since. But did she (the therapist) fixed my problems? Not exactly. I was telling her my story many times, yet we were only getting to know how it impacted my life, mental health etc. She didn't really give me any advice on what I can do with myself to improve. They all just listen and nothing else. Okay, they may say what's wrong but that's about it - I'm tired of my problems to be just listened to.
When I had one of my ctb tried she said something that shocked me a bit - that if I try to ctb or just merely want to die, therapy won't work and I can stop going to therapy because it won't help me at all. At first, as I said, I was shocked - does it really work that way? And after that, I was stressed and anxious to even tell her I'm thinking of cbt-ing or wanting to die. I didn't want her to be angry at me (at least that's how it felt).
After some time has passed, I had to quit therapy from financial reasons. I can't afford getting any help besides a psychiatrist once a few months up to this day. Many things have happened by then but I got up to one conclusion - my therapist was probably right and therapy is just not for me.
3. Thoughts and opinions
So, was therapy actually helpful to me? Only up to some extend. Sure, I'm not around toxic people anymore, I accommodate myself up to my needs, I try to do all this healthy shit normal people do on daily basis. But I still feel empty and unhappy. I have to force myself to do absolutely everything, even things that are supposedly for me to bring me joy or taking care of my basic needs like making myself food. It's not like I don't have any energy, I just have no motivation. I genuinely feel no happiness from my life and literally the only things keeping me alive are my goals of making two games and becoming a successful VTuber. And that's it. After that, I just simply wish to disappear from this planet and never be heard from again. Most likely I won't change my mind after this many years. I tried everything that was supposed to help me and I can confidently say that nothing works. I'm a lost cause.
4. Final conclusion
Is therapy itself bad? No, I don't think so. It can open your eyes on things that you may probably have never bother to think before. I would say that therapy is only helpful if you know how to act on your own with your problems. Therapy is, in my opinion, misleadingly advertised as a fix of them. I would say it's only here if you need someone to talk to or learn why things happened the way they did. Yeah, you may hear and advice or two on how to work on them, but if they won't work out for you, these professionals will only shrug it off, tell you to move on and charge you money for their time. I would say that therapy is a big 50/50. It either will help you or not - that depends on you as a person and your problem. But it's certainly worth giving a shot because it's better than nothing.
Thank you for your time and attention to my post. I would like to read your opinions and experiences as well :)
Have a nice day!
