Wyldfyre4948
Waiting for my bus
- Jul 12, 2023
- 377
Today is 4 weeks since I had to put my cat to sleep. An act of mercy for my little boy that had been with me nearly 15 years. Either he had cancer or liver failure, and it he was pathetic at the end. He couldn't jump up onto the couch or bed to lay by me anymore or have the strength to walk far, so I would carry him with me to other rooms. It broke my heart to make such a decision and I held him as he took his final breath. The next morning my wife that has been with me nearly 22 years left me on account of her having issues with her sexual identity. I had begged and pleaded with her to stay and we could have an open marriage so she can be with woman, but I absolutely needed her. She left me in an apartment that the lease was about to expire and the rent would increase more than I could afford, and without a car because she had the only one we needed. I had already been in the hospital once this year because my suicidal thoughts became unmanageable after she came out to me. In April she made the decision to stay and promised we'd stay together. This alone quieted my thoughts and gave me peace. Unfortunately in May she changed her mind and began to plan to leave me.
Her leaving the day after my baby was put to sleep broke me. It led me to believe my attempt in March was successful and that I'm in hell. Currently I'm trying to find a source for SN as a backup method, but it may actually be a primary method. My coworkers are being incredibly supportive and I appreciate them, and my family for their concern as well. Yet I still want to leave this world. I'm barely eating and sleep is quite difficult too, because as soon as I try to fall asleep my mind begins to race. I actually think I deserve to suffer for some wrongs I've committed in my life. Nobody seems to understand exactly what I'm going through and neither do I.
I still love her despite the pain she has caused. For as long as I can remember I've had problems letting go or severing connections that need to be cut. My memory is excellent, which allows me to recall very specific moments and enjoy the moment again. Sadly this means I'm also reliving the past few months and the pain at every quiet moment I have, and those are far too often. There may be a chance she comes back, but I can't trust her the same again after this. I've cried rivers in just these past weeks, and I feel like my pain doesn't matter to her. This is the second time in my life that love has been taken from me. The second time I've been told "I can't love you how you love me."
Now I feel so insignificant in this world and that what I need to keep going doesn't matter. So what's the point in continuing when I've lost everything that matters to me? I'd prayed every night for God to bring her back to me, and for him to help my little buddy get better. Doesn't seem like God is taking my calls, or maybe he blocked my number just like my wife did. My anniversary is next month and I'd like to CTB before that day comes. What I want and need doesn't seem to matter anymore though. I told her that I don't think we can be friends if it ends because I can't sit by and see her with someone else after all these years, and for her to walk out and throw away all we've had hurts so much.
Thank you all for reading. I needed to put this out here because all of you might be the only ones who understand the pain I have and why I want to end it.
Her leaving the day after my baby was put to sleep broke me. It led me to believe my attempt in March was successful and that I'm in hell. Currently I'm trying to find a source for SN as a backup method, but it may actually be a primary method. My coworkers are being incredibly supportive and I appreciate them, and my family for their concern as well. Yet I still want to leave this world. I'm barely eating and sleep is quite difficult too, because as soon as I try to fall asleep my mind begins to race. I actually think I deserve to suffer for some wrongs I've committed in my life. Nobody seems to understand exactly what I'm going through and neither do I.
I still love her despite the pain she has caused. For as long as I can remember I've had problems letting go or severing connections that need to be cut. My memory is excellent, which allows me to recall very specific moments and enjoy the moment again. Sadly this means I'm also reliving the past few months and the pain at every quiet moment I have, and those are far too often. There may be a chance she comes back, but I can't trust her the same again after this. I've cried rivers in just these past weeks, and I feel like my pain doesn't matter to her. This is the second time in my life that love has been taken from me. The second time I've been told "I can't love you how you love me."
Now I feel so insignificant in this world and that what I need to keep going doesn't matter. So what's the point in continuing when I've lost everything that matters to me? I'd prayed every night for God to bring her back to me, and for him to help my little buddy get better. Doesn't seem like God is taking my calls, or maybe he blocked my number just like my wife did. My anniversary is next month and I'd like to CTB before that day comes. What I want and need doesn't seem to matter anymore though. I told her that I don't think we can be friends if it ends because I can't sit by and see her with someone else after all these years, and for her to walk out and throw away all we've had hurts so much.
Thank you all for reading. I needed to put this out here because all of you might be the only ones who understand the pain I have and why I want to end it.
