I think my health issues are a big reason as to why I am so hyperfixated on suicide.
In childhood, I let my health go really down the drain and it feels like I have repeated that throughout my life. I have always been really passive, silent, unexpressive, lethargic, and generally invisible, and I just let the world and people do things to me while hoping I will just end up saved by the universe or something. It is really unrealistic sometimes, I should have done more action in my life, I should have listened to my body's warnings. I always felt a bunch of angst and strong existential anxiety when I was little because I felt like I was creating a vortex of sorts for myself that would eventually kill me. And now it is.
When I got a little older I started becoming super self destructive and addictive to the point where I didn't give a shit about my future life. I think I got hypoxic brain damage from this, or some other type, because I have chronic sinus issues that makes it hard for me to intake air sometimes. It makes me really depressed when I think about it because it is like this giant insecurity I have that feeds back into my addiction. And the addiction causes the brain damage, so the whole cycle gets reinforced. Nowadays I am really anxious to the point where I want the concept of myself shattered, I want myself to be sedated, ejected to space, etc. It feels like ice and fire in my brain. My prefrontal cortex I believe has become damaged so I am losing a lot of balance and regulation in my life. Everything is unbalanced sometimes. I can't really control my eating, because I don't really plan meals or stop eating something after it tastes good. I just eat super fast until I am full, so I don't get much pleasure from eating at all. I eat things that are meant for other people and regret it heavily after. I want to purge things at times but I don't even have an eating disorder yet. I have crazy OCD that makes social things inconvenient and very hard. It is hard for me to control and I am painful to be around socially. I basically repeat the same week over and over again and have no progress because of what little inhibition I have. I take vitamins, I brainstorm ideas, I shower, I get my health up to a good starting point, and then ruin it all over again by the end of the week because of masturbating the vitamins away and bringing more brain fog. I am very unpresentable and my hair falls out a lot while I freak out in public. My family is abusive, dismissive and triggers my anxiety so I basically gave up on trying to get therapy. I am very anxious so I feel as if I could never tell anyone that I have a porn addiction or all of my worse, actually impactful issues until I am alone.
I could fix all of this, there are probably solutions. Like I could take iron, because I am deficient in that, and it would help in getting more oxygen to my brain. But I have bad constipation issues, which make me depressed and make taking iron painful (the gas). I would just take iron and relapse on my addiction and lose it all over again. But I could eat it from foods. I could manage the constipation better. I could get online therapy. I could search super hard like I did when I was a kid for solutions.
But for some reason, I feel like none of that is worth it because of what I have been through. I have already reached a very low point in my life already so young, and I feel like I could never recover. I feel scared thinking about becoming healthy and falling back into this. I don't want to be consumed by the cycle I deal with every day over and over again. I don't see the point when people in the future could hate me a lot. I've never fit in well socially, I have issues upon issues upon issues. I would have to heal trauma and family issues. I feel like there is no point in fighting so hard when everybody expects you to commit suicide. People in school would comment on how doomed I was and my family put negative stuff in my head at an early age. It is a really negative and self loathing, victimizing cycle. But I feel like suicide is just the logical answer for me now. Fulfill my attraction to death and end my addiction, make everyone feel happy, express my truest emotions, etc. I will fuck everything up but it was just a long time coming.
I hope if I die another timeline of me will be able to live happily and do what they wanted.
In childhood, I let my health go really down the drain and it feels like I have repeated that throughout my life. I have always been really passive, silent, unexpressive, lethargic, and generally invisible, and I just let the world and people do things to me while hoping I will just end up saved by the universe or something. It is really unrealistic sometimes, I should have done more action in my life, I should have listened to my body's warnings. I always felt a bunch of angst and strong existential anxiety when I was little because I felt like I was creating a vortex of sorts for myself that would eventually kill me. And now it is.
When I got a little older I started becoming super self destructive and addictive to the point where I didn't give a shit about my future life. I think I got hypoxic brain damage from this, or some other type, because I have chronic sinus issues that makes it hard for me to intake air sometimes. It makes me really depressed when I think about it because it is like this giant insecurity I have that feeds back into my addiction. And the addiction causes the brain damage, so the whole cycle gets reinforced. Nowadays I am really anxious to the point where I want the concept of myself shattered, I want myself to be sedated, ejected to space, etc. It feels like ice and fire in my brain. My prefrontal cortex I believe has become damaged so I am losing a lot of balance and regulation in my life. Everything is unbalanced sometimes. I can't really control my eating, because I don't really plan meals or stop eating something after it tastes good. I just eat super fast until I am full, so I don't get much pleasure from eating at all. I eat things that are meant for other people and regret it heavily after. I want to purge things at times but I don't even have an eating disorder yet. I have crazy OCD that makes social things inconvenient and very hard. It is hard for me to control and I am painful to be around socially. I basically repeat the same week over and over again and have no progress because of what little inhibition I have. I take vitamins, I brainstorm ideas, I shower, I get my health up to a good starting point, and then ruin it all over again by the end of the week because of masturbating the vitamins away and bringing more brain fog. I am very unpresentable and my hair falls out a lot while I freak out in public. My family is abusive, dismissive and triggers my anxiety so I basically gave up on trying to get therapy. I am very anxious so I feel as if I could never tell anyone that I have a porn addiction or all of my worse, actually impactful issues until I am alone.
I could fix all of this, there are probably solutions. Like I could take iron, because I am deficient in that, and it would help in getting more oxygen to my brain. But I have bad constipation issues, which make me depressed and make taking iron painful (the gas). I would just take iron and relapse on my addiction and lose it all over again. But I could eat it from foods. I could manage the constipation better. I could get online therapy. I could search super hard like I did when I was a kid for solutions.
But for some reason, I feel like none of that is worth it because of what I have been through. I have already reached a very low point in my life already so young, and I feel like I could never recover. I feel scared thinking about becoming healthy and falling back into this. I don't want to be consumed by the cycle I deal with every day over and over again. I don't see the point when people in the future could hate me a lot. I've never fit in well socially, I have issues upon issues upon issues. I would have to heal trauma and family issues. I feel like there is no point in fighting so hard when everybody expects you to commit suicide. People in school would comment on how doomed I was and my family put negative stuff in my head at an early age. It is a really negative and self loathing, victimizing cycle. But I feel like suicide is just the logical answer for me now. Fulfill my attraction to death and end my addiction, make everyone feel happy, express my truest emotions, etc. I will fuck everything up but it was just a long time coming.
I hope if I die another timeline of me will be able to live happily and do what they wanted.
