My Happy Ending

[idhayam]

I hate how a happy ending is never possible.

For me at least, whatever is meant to be happy never ends on a happy note, simply because I miss being happy. Every time I experience authentic happiness, it ends on me yearning for that very experience again. Thus, I never become happy. My most recent holiday that I just finished last week, I could only think about how I will never be able to truly immerse myself with the people around me, because it is not permanent. I hate how memories fade away to the point of forgetting why that time made myself forget what is truly wrong with me in the first place. I suffer because I am absent of meaningful connection, and blame myself and the way I think for it.

Attachment to the past hurts, and the photos that I and others take of myself serve as a reminder of not only the above, but also as a relic of how my life has changed - how my foolish decisions and thoughts alone pushed myself deeper into a hole of hatred, jealousy and loneliness. This thread, the most undetailed of mine, will likely be my penultimate on the forum as I slowly but confidently force myself through the tunnel of self-inflicted death. And I stand to ask, will my happy ending that I longed for become a reality?

 

[extremelytired1]

I understand to a degree. My past only hurts in my dreams. In my waking mind it's just one big mess I'm running from. Childhood troubles sort of snowballed and I became a messed up teen then a messed up adult and now I'm here. I fully get you when you talk about feeling absent, I was never really present to live my life. Just sort of watching myself act like an idiot and ruin my physical and mental health. I hope your situation improves! If you're feeling detached from yourself, mindfulness might be a good shout. One thing that helped me in the past is checking in with the 'real me.' I don't mean that as some crazy talk, just better aspects of my character that I've ignored in a pretty chaotic life. I think you might be able to feel peaceful and connected with others but you might have to do some digging. I'd tell you from experience it's worth it. A bit of difference is better than no difference

 

[theboy]

I hope you achieve happiness