Venting My guilt is eating me alive

[Rocky M]

I don't really make posts like this anymore, but I've come to the point of non-functioning yet again because I feel so guilty. I can't get it off my mind. Even when I write it here, I know it won't leave.

My soccer team is having a Christmas party in mid-December and my former friend will most likely be there. I want to talk to her, to try and make amends so I can die relatively peacefully, however she still wants her space, and I must respect that. We did talk back in October but once again, I fucked up and pushed her away.

I've thought about writing an apology letter and giving it to her at the end of the party, mainly because I don't want to ruin her night. I won't tell her that I'm going to ctb on her birthday, but I will show my gratitude for everything she's done for me.

She once told me "it doesn't matter how you've treated people in the past, nobody deserves to die over stuff like that" and I stayed alive because I knew it would hurt her if I left. But now she's the one who got hurt because of how disgusting I am. I doubt she would care if I was gone. In fact, I think she wants me dead, and I don't blame her. want to make her happy again. I need to die.

 

[dysfunctional]

I'm with you. All Ineant is to die and Inseemnto be making all my decisions in line with that. But, when my depression was relatively mild, I had a therapist tell me that guilt is basically a useless emotion. At the time it helped me alot, i haven't killed or hurt anyone, and people will do what they want. I know this is probably not helpful, as now I'm consumed by negativity and self hate. But previously this was helpful.

 

[YoungThugLover]

What exactly did you do to her?

Btw ctb on her birthday is a selfish thing to do... If you're really sorry than why paint a narrative like its her fault? Youre gonna ruin her birthday for years to come

 

[Rocky M]

What exactly did you do to her?

Btw ctb on her birthday is a selfish thing to do... If you're really sorry than why paint a narrative like its her fault? Youre gonna ruin her birthday for years to come

She won't know about my passing. Besides, I'm hopefully going to be declared missing instead of dead, and that won't happen until a few days later in the new year. Nobody except the folks on this site knows when I'm going.

It's not her fault. It's mine, and I want to make sure I never have to bother her again. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but I took advantage of her and lied over and over again. I made hollow apology after hollow apology. I pushed her away when she was just trying to help. I don't want to get into exact details but that's the general idea. There are no excuses for what I did. My poor mental health did not give me the right to take her down with me. I should've put my problems aside and built her up like she tried to do with me. But what did I do? I was selfish and put my wants over her needs. I wasn't even being a friend at that point, but you know the saying "you never really know what you've got 'till it's gone"? This is it.

 

[TheLastTrip]

The guilt of people we have wronged and the loss of a friend or partner we could have kept cut like a knife.

I feel your pain bud, I hope you come to a decision on that party that helps you deal with all of this.

 

[meowcat]

I don't really make posts like this anymore, but I've come to the point of non-functioning yet again because I feel so guilty. I can't get it off my mind. Even when I write it here, I know it won't leave.

My soccer team is having a Christmas party in mid-December and my former friend will most likely be there. I want to talk to her, to try and make amends so I can die relatively peacefully, however she still wants her space, and I must respect that. We did talk back in October but once again, I fucked up and pushed her away.

I've thought about writing an apology letter and giving it to her at the end of the party, mainly because I don't want to ruin her night. I won't tell her that I'm going to ctb on her birthday, but I will show my gratitude for everything she's done for me.

She once told me "it doesn't matter how you've treated people in the past, nobody deserves to die over stuff like that" and I stayed alive because I knew it would hurt her if I left. But now she's the one who got hurt because of how disgusting I am. I doubt she would care if I was gone. In fact, I think she wants me dead, and I don't blame her. want to make her happy again. I need to die.

 

[meowcat]

I feel your pain.I feel guilty too about things I've done and am living with the consequences.The pain i heavier on us than it is to those who we have wronged.They can shake it off but it's harder for us to do so.

 

[Finallyhere]

She won't know about my passing. Besides, I'm hopefully going to be declared missing instead of dead, and that won't happen until a few days later in the new year. Nobody except the folks on this site knows when I'm going.

It's not her fault. It's mine, and I want to make sure I never have to bother her again. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but I took advantage of her and lied over and over again. I made hollow apology after hollow apology. I pushed her away when she was just trying to help. I don't want to get into exact details but that's the general idea. There are no excuses for what I did. My poor mental health did not give me the right to take her down with me. I should've put my problems aside and built her up like she tried to do with me. But what did I do? I was selfish and put my wants over her needs. I wasn't even being a friend at that point, but you know the saying "you never really know what you've got 'till it's gone"? This is it.

I feel your pain too. Relate to it a lot. At least you're not in my shoes. My ex love literally ditched me, on Halloween, for someone younger and richer. I wasn't the best bf, I have my flaws and did things I still feel guilty over.

I understand why the guilt is hard to let go of. It won't go away. So many things could've been done better, if only I was mentally stable. I know the feeling of wanting to just stop thinking and stop feeling.

I've stopped functioning. I hardly groom myself, work or shower. I've lost all interest in hobbies, music and movies. I don't see friends. It's not a way to live and I already feel dead inside.

The only reason I'm still here is for my family and my dog. Nothing else seems to matter, everything seems like a monumentally pointless task. One thing I know is dying won't make her any happier. Maybe she wants you out of her life right now, but not dead.

You seem young, I wouldn't suggest living like me. If you can pull yourself together to be apart of a soccer team, that means you still have people and friends to fall back on for support.

Plus. You can still make amends too. It's up to you whether or not you want to try. I think you should focus on building yourself up to make amends instead of giving up and dying inside like me.

You still have a chance, and even if it doesn't work, at least you can say you died trying.

I wish I could do the same, but my ex gal has less than zero interest in being around me since the new guy came into the picture.

Since your girls gonna be around, I say you might as well try your best to fix things.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Sometimes I'm in the same position with someone I miss, and robotussin low dose helps me and lots of coffee, but it's just a band aid I know until it's dealt with somehow <3 I'm sorry you're suffering awuhrr *hugs you warmly* At least we find people in similar mindsets and situations though each person's pain is unique too <3

 

[bigj75]

fuck all that. Ctb'ing is for you. Not how she feels.

 

[YoungThugLover]

Sometimes I'm in the same position with someone I miss, and robotussin low dose helps me and lots of coffee, but it's just a band aid I know until it's dealt with somehow <3 I'm sorry you're suffering awuhrr *hugs you warmly* At least we find people in similar mindsets and situations though each person's pain is unique too <3

Robotrips are so weird lol use to do it when i was in high school but with Delsym.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Robotrips are so weird lol use to do it when i was in high school but with Delsym.

Yeah sometimes it's good but it's weaker the more I do them xD And I'm too much a wuss to get the dark net stuff, don't trust the purity for other drugs but heard good things about mushrooms. I know I should meditate and yoga but mehhhhhhhhh I'm lazy xD

 

[YoungThugLover]

Yeah sometimes it's good but it's weaker the more I do them xD And I'm too much a wuss to get the dark net stuff, don't trust the purity for other drugs but heard good things about mushrooms. I know I should meditate and yoga but mehhhhhhhhh I'm lazy xD

Ive done a lot of LSD in the last 3 years or so i tripped 7 times in September of this year alone but im still scared of mushrooms lol...i hear people have a lot of fun but i also hear theyre a lot less controlable and much more prone to a bad trip

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Ive done a lot of LSD in the last 3 years or so i tripped 7 times in September of this year alone but im still scared of mushrooms lol...i hear people have a lot of fun but i also hear theyre a lot less controlable and much more prone to a bad trip

Yeah I don't know it sounds like it could go either way that's true <3 Did you like the LSD?

 

[YoungThugLover]

Yeah I don't know it sounds like it could go either way that's true <3 Did you like the LSD?

I love it best drug ive ever done. I was always curious about it in hs finally got the chance at 19 and when it was right in front of me i was a little hesitant but i did it had a blast and have had no worry about having a bad trip since. Even being suicidal and in a weird head space i never have a "bad trip" spend some time doing some reflective unbiased thinking and a lot of time just listening to music and staring at paintings or the sky or walls lol

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I love it best drug ive ever done. I was always curious about it in hs finally got the chance at 19 and when it was right in front of me i was a little hesitant but i did it had a blast and have had no worry about having a bad trip since. Even being suicidal and in a weird head space i never have a "bad trip" spend some time doing some reflective unbiased thinking and a lot of time just listening to music and staring at paintings or the sky or walls lol

Ohwuh now I wanna try it but I would need a trip sitter and I live aloneeeeee lol xD Cool though <3

 

[YoungThugLover]

Yeah I don't know it sounds like it could go either way that's true <3 Did you like the LSD?

Id like to add watching t.v. on acid is so weirdly uncomfortable lol not "bad" but it's very odd especially day time television everything they do or how they look at the tv i think "they know someones at home tripping balls to this"

 

[YoungThugLover]

Ohwuh now I wanna try it but I would need a trip sitter and I live aloneeeeee lol xD Cool though <3

Most of my trips are alone even my first one. I had the chance to trip with coworkers that night but i didnt really know them so i didnt wanna be uncomfortable i took it home and did it alone the next day and had a blast.

I dont think a sitter is essential just be aware youre doing a psychedelic and youre not going crazy or anything. Tripping alone frees me of responsibility to care for others or be self conscious of what im doing i get to explore my brain and dance to music care free whatever i want to do

 

[YoungThugLover]

Ohwuh now I wanna try it but I would need a trip sitter and I live aloneeeeee lol xD Cool though <3

One of my last trips i was staring at the morning sky in my backyard with headphones on and it was sort of cloudy it felt awesome i got myself in a headspace where despite looking up at the sky i felt i was looking down at like a bottomless cloudy ocean and watching them move with my senses all keen and the music playing was other wordly

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

One of my last trips i was staring at the morning sky in my backyard with headphones on and it was sort of cloudy it felt awesome i got myself in a headspace where despite looking up at the sky i felt i was looking down at like a bottomless cloudy ocean and watching them move with my senses all keen and the music playing was other wordly

Oh wow <3