My gf ignores me

[mentalhealthfighter]

I cant exactly call her my gf because we have to still meet up but we have talked a lot on the phone and showed eachother affection. I dont know why but sometimes she ignores me for hours. At first I thought she was busy but then I would see her online and still not taking the time to reply. I feel like a fool for thinking so much about it and even coming here. What should I do? On one hand, I dont want to come over as some emotional crybaby, ive done that before and it felt embarassing. On the other hand, just letting it slide makes me suffer and thats why im here. Anyone have advice? I just dont get why she would do this. It really makes me doubt if she still likes me. But everytime I asked her she said she does. Sometimes I think shes just using me for some sexual pleasure

 

[waitingforrest]

I am honesty a horrible person to ask for advice, especially relationship-wise. But I might as well share my experience. Maybe it might give you a little more insight.
I used to talk with someone everyday, but eventually they stopped talking to me. Everytime I asked them what was wrong, they never gave me a clear answer.
I used to ghost people all the time, but this experience gave me another perspective. Being ignored by the person you love can be described as mental torture. I was left wondering what I did wrong, how I must be worthless.
There are many reasons why she might be ignoring you, but it's hard to know exactly why. It could be from trauma, illness, or fear, not always hate.
If I were to give past me advice, I would say to be upfront and say what I feel exactly. And if they didn't reciprocate the effort I put in, to just cut my losses and end the relationship. Of course, past me would hate this advice in the moment.
This is just my case, I can't say what you should do. Do whatever feels right to you, although be prepared for any negative reactions. Sometimes people aren't very good at expressing their feelings and it comes out the wrong way. Sorry if this wasn't helpful. I hope the best for you.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

I am honesty a horrible person to ask for advice, especially relationship-wise. But I might as well share my experience. Maybe it might give you a little more insight.
I used to talk with someone everyday, but eventually they stopped talking to me. Everytime I asked them what was wrong, they never gave me a clear answer.
I used to ghost people all the time, but this experience gave me another perspective. Being ignored by the person you love can be described as mental torture. I was left wondering what I did wrong, how I must be worthless.
There are many reasons why she might be ignoring you, but it's hard to know exactly why. It could be from trauma, illness, or fear, not always hate.
If I were to give past me advice, I would say to be upfront and say what I feel exactly. And if they didn't reciprocate the effort I put in, to just cut my losses and end the relationship. Of course, past me would hate this advice in the moment.
This is just my case, I can't say what you should do. Do whatever feels right to you, although be prepared for any negative reactions. Sometimes people aren't very good at expressing their feelings and it comes out the wrong way. Sorry if this wasn't helpful. I hope the best for you.

It was helpful. Actually this has pushed me to start confronting her about my feelings. I realise now that no matter if i hide my feelings or show them, it will both be uncomfortable. Might as well do the thing that will prevent future suffering. Thank you, I will tell her right now. She does have borderline and some other issues so that might play a part idk

 

[InezSerrano]

I cant exactly call her my gf because we have to still meet up but we have talked a lot on the phone and showed eachother affection. I dont know why but sometimes she ignores me for hours. At first I thought she was busy but then I would see her online and still not taking the time to reply. I feel like a fool for thinking so much about it and even coming here. What should I do? On one hand, I dont want to come over as some emotional crybaby, ive done that before and it felt embarassing. On the other hand, just letting it slide makes me suffer and thats why im here. Anyone have advice? I just dont get why she would do this. It really makes me doubt if she still likes me. But everytime I asked her she said she does. Sometimes I think shes just using me for some sexual pleasure

Ask her what she's doing?
For the guy I'm talking to it helps to remind myself of the reality of the situation, someone being busy for a few hours is very normal. He often tells me what he's doing beforehand, and I know his schedule, so that helps. Also, I know like we talk like every night or maybe every other night, so knowing that for a fact I'll get a chance to talk to him helps. I just have to wait, you know? Worst case scenario I go to sleep or do something else to distract myself. I don't know my main advice would be to communicate clearly, get an idea of when you can talk next if you can, as knowing that can help you feel more secure, also find some things to do to distract yourself... You may also want to talk to a therapist for support.

 

[summers]

Ask her what she's doing?

Be very careful how you ask this. If you sound accusatory, it could be a bad thing. I stopped talking to a female friend for about 6 months when she started demanding I reapond immediately. Going out or not, it's disrespectful. We weren't going out. Hadn't even hooked up in a long time.

Also, I have another friend I like a lot. Sometimes we don't respond to each other for a couple days. But it's all good when we get together. I always say no expectations - talk to me if you want, not because you feel obligated.

 

[InezSerrano]

Be very careful how you ask this. If you sound accusatory, it could be a bad thing.

Good advice. I mean maybe bring it up in conversation, not demanding it while she is ignoring you. But I may not give the best advice on this, as my view of relationships is sort of distorted by mental illness.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

Ask her what she's doing?
For the guy I'm talking to it helps to remind myself of the reality of the situation, someone being busy for a few hours is very normal. He often tells me what he's doing beforehand, and I know his schedule, so that helps. Also, I know like we talk like every night or maybe every other night, so knowing that for a fact I'll get a chance to talk to him helps. I just have to wait, you know? Worst case scenario I go to sleep or do something else to distract myself. I don't know my main advice would be to communicate clearly, get an idea of when you can talk next if you can, as knowing that can help you feel more secure, also find some things to do to distract yourself... You may also want to talk to a therapist for support.

I asked her how her day was and she said she doesnt want to talk about it. I dont want it to be that strict with a schedule but i also dont want to feel like im being neglected

 

[InezSerrano]

I asked her how her day was and she said she doesnt want to talk about it. I dont want it to be that strict with a schedule but i also dont want to feel like im being neglected

Is she in an usually bad mood? I think talking about your day is a pretty normal thing, no? Maybe wait to bring up these heavy things, but when you're talking regularly you can bring it up, feeling neglected is definitely not good.

 

[LastFlowers]

also find some things to do to distract yourself..

Yea, it's always good to keep busy and "have a life" beyond bated breathe for another person to respond to you or pay you mind.
(Much more difficult to do when you started out in a bad place, which is why I usually don't push for those in a troubled state to get into a serious relationship..it's just asking for problems, added complications, individual issues buried only temporarily-implosion incoming, you name it. But nobody ever listens to that advice.)
I've seen so many people over the years hunched over their phones or devices for hours on end, just living and breathing for a response they may or may not ever get.
To me that is the start of an unhealthy relationship, or a codependent infatuation.
Even so much as entertaining someone who ignores you for too long can be draining, some people snap and just say "see ya", others double down into doormat mode.
There can always be a legitimate and innocent reason for someone not replying in a timely fashion, but only so many times before one raises an eyebrow.

I mean, my own family ignores me for days on end or indefinitely via text, etc, so a few hours is nothing to me, but I suppose I'm in a pretty fucked situation myself.

I second your previous advice to be more direct, no game playing, even if the other side is playing games.
I'm not so sure a therapist would be a jump-to for this type of thing though.
I'll leave that up to OP.

 

[InezSerrano]

Yea, it's always good to keep busy and "have a life" beyond bated breathe for another person to respond to you or pay you mind.
(Much more difficult to do when you started out in a bad place, which is why I usually don't push for those in a troubled state to get into a serious relationship..it's just asking for problems, added complications, individual issues buried only temporarily-implosion incoming, you name it. But nobody ever listens to that advice.)
I've seen so many people over the years hunched over their phones or devices for hours on end, just living and breathing for a response they may or may not ever get.
To me that is the start of an unhealthy relationship, or a codependent infatuation.
Even so much as entertaining someone who ignores you for too long can be draining, some people snap and just say "see ya", others double down into doormat mode.
There can always be a legitimate and innocent reason, but onto so many times before one raises an eyebrow.

I mean, my own family ignores me for days on end or indefinitely via text, etc, so a few hours is nothing to me, but I suppose I'm in a pretty fucked situation myself.

I second your previous advice to be more direct, no game playing, even if the other side is playing games.
I'm not so sure a therapist would be a jump-to for this type of thing though.
I'll leave that up to OP.

Not getting into serious relationships while in a bad place is great advice. I avoided it for a year and it was great. I'm lucky to find someone smart and understanding, but even with that it's tough and it might still be a bad idea, but I get kind of obsessive so the emotions are stronger than any logical analysis. But I feel I'm sort of derailing the thread...

Relationship or no, doing things and not just thinking all day is great advice if you can do it. If not, I'd consider medication and therapy. (what i mean is that if you struggle to do fairly basic things, you probably need help, and I don't mean this in a judgemental way, it's my current situation).

 

[LastFlowers]

Thank you, I will tell her right now. She does have borderline and some other issues so that might play a part idk

Careful about that, a lot of young women (esp) are claiming and clamoring for a BPD diagnosis so that they can use it as an excuse (or a "reason" in their words) for absolutely shitty and shifty behavior.
In my experience most people who have been diagnosed with this^ who don't use it as an excuse, hold the diagnosis close to their chest, they don't really advertise it in any way and are slow to share, even with those close to them, likely because of the stereotypes that other people are contributing to.
It's become part of the mental illness "trend", and it's extremely easy to get the diagnosis, even more people self-diagnose on top of it.

But feel free to take my commentary with a grain of salt, this is coming from someone who is highly critical of the DSM and the practices and 'tools' used by psych docs.
I just can't help but notice several red flags in some of the other details you've posted..

 

[InezSerrano]

Careful about that, a lot of young women (esp) are claiming and clamoring for a BPD diagnosis so that they can use it as an excuse (or a "reason" in their words) for absolutely shitty and shifty behavior.
In my experience most people who have been diagnosed with this^ who don't use it as an excuse, hold the diagnosis close to their chest, they don't really advertise it in any way and are slow to share, even with those close to them, likely because of the stereotypes that other people are contributing to.
It's become part of the mental illness "trend", and it's extremely easy to get the diagnosis, even more people self-diagnose on top of it.

But feel free to take my commentary with a grain of salt, this is coming from someone who is highly critical of the DSM and the practices and 'tools' used by psych docs.
I just can't help but notice several red flags in some of the other details you've posted..

Either way (I am a random internet stranger do not take this seriously) BPD is a pattern of behaviour really, not a structural issue with you brain, or something you can fix with medication. You need to relearn the unhealthy thought patterns and behavioural issues. BPD isn't an excuse, or shouldn't be, its something you should work hard to fix.

 

[LastFlowers]

Not getting into serious relationships while in a bad place is great advice. I avoided it for a year and it was great. I'm lucky to find someone smart and understanding, but even with that it's tough and it might still be a bad idea, but I get kind of obsessive so the emotions are stronger than any logical analysis. But I feel I'm sort of derailing the thread...

Relationship or no, doing things and not just thinking all day is great advice if you can do it. If not, I'd consider medication and therapy. (what i mean is that if you struggle to do fairly basic things, you probably need help, and I don't mean this in a judgemental way, it's my current situation).

Sorry because I also just realized I was replying to two people combined because your avatars are both a similar color lol, apologies for possible confusion.
I am half dead and tired rn.

 

[InezSerrano]

Sorry because I also just realized I was replying to two people combined because your avatars are both a similar color lol, apologies for possible confusion.
I am half dead and tired rn.

LOL, no worries.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

Is she in an usually bad mood? I think talking about your day is a pretty normal thing, no? Maybe wait to bring up these heavy things, but when you're talking regularly you can bring it up, feeling neglected is definitely not good.

well, she was suicidal yesterday out of nowhere even though she said she has no depression. She is always binge eating too. I find it hard to understand her at all

 

[InezSerrano]

well, she was suicidal yesterday out of nowhere even though she said she has no depression. She is always binge eating too. I find it hard to understand her at all

Well I assume the suicidal stuff is from BPD, not depression, no?

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

Yea, it's always good to keep busy and "have a life" beyond bated breathe for another person to respond to you or pay you mind.
(Much more difficult to do when you started out in a bad place, which is why I usually don't push for those in a troubled state to get into a serious relationship..it's just asking for problems, added complications, individual issues buried only temporarily-implosion incoming, you name it. But nobody ever listens to that advice.)
I've seen so many people over the years hunched over their phones or devices for hours on end, just living and breathing for a response they may or may not ever get.
To me that is the start of an unhealthy relationship, or a codependent infatuation.
Even so much as entertaining someone who ignores you for too long can be draining, some people snap and just say "see ya", others double down into doormat mode.
There can always be a legitimate and innocent reason for someone not replying in a timely fashion, but only so many times before one raises an eyebrow.

I mean, my own family ignores me for days on end or indefinitely via text, etc, so a few hours is nothing to me, but I suppose I'm in a pretty fucked situation myself.

I second your previous advice to be more direct, no game playing, even if the other side is playing games.
I'm not so sure a therapist would be a jump-to for this type of thing though.
I'll leave that up to OP.

Yes, exactly, its starting to get suspicious at this point. This shit has happened before. I said something offensive and she would ignore me for days. But this time I didnt say anything wrong, it just seems random and that makes me question her feelings for me. Im gonna be very straight forward, i have to guard my emotions and my partner should amount to them IMO

 

[InezSerrano]

Yes, exactly, its starting to get suspicious at this point. This shit has happened before. I said something offensive and she would ignore me for days. But this time I didnt say anything wrong, it just seems random and that makes me question her feelings for me

If she is mentally ill the issue is more likely her, not you, right? Have you told her you feel like this? How did she react?

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

Careful about that, a lot of young women (esp) are claiming and clamoring for a BPD diagnosis so that they can use it as an excuse (or a "reason" in their words) for absolutely shitty and shifty behavior.
In my experience most people who have been diagnosed with this^ who don't use it as an excuse, hold the diagnosis close to their chest, they don't really advertise it in any way and are slow to share, even with those close to them, likely because of the stereotypes that other people are contributing to.
It's become part of the mental illness "trend", and it's extremely easy to get the diagnosis, even more people self-diagnose on top of it.

But feel free to take my commentary with a grain of salt, this is coming from someone who is highly critical of the DSM and the practices and 'tools' used by psych docs.
I just can't help but notice several red flags in some of the other details you've posted..

I hear you, but I believe shes not exaggerating since ive seen for myself how she would totally blow up some situation in her mind. She would be afraid someone was going to harm her when that person probably felt no type of way towards her.

If she is mentally ill the issue is more likely her, not you, right? Have you told her you feel like this? How did she react?

Yeah but i dont see how being mentally ill relates to ignoring me for no reason. I just told her, I have to wait until she receives

 

[Insomniac]

Yeah but i dont see how being mentally ill relates to ignoring me for no reason. I just told her, I have to wait until she receives

if she is not busy with a constructive project and is just ignoring you to watch a movie or read a book in peace I say leave that relationship.

if she is doing something productive then maybe you should try to find something productive to do as well.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

if she is not busy with a constructive project and is just ignoring you to watch a movie or read a book in peace I say leave that relationship.

if she is doing something productive then maybe you should try to find something productive to do as well.

She just replied. She said she was busy. I guess she didnt have enough time to reply to my wall of text. I feel bad for giving this so much energy now.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I cant exactly call her my gf because we have to still meet up but we have talked a lot on the phone and showed eachother affection. I dont know why but sometimes she ignores me for hours. At first I thought she was busy but then I would see her online and still not taking the time to reply. I feel like a fool for thinking so much about it and even coming here. What should I do? On one hand, I dont want to come over as some emotional crybaby, ive done that before and it felt embarassing. On the other hand, just letting it slide makes me suffer and thats why im here. Anyone have advice? I just dont get why she would do this. It really makes me doubt if she still likes me. But everytime I asked her she said she does. Sometimes I think shes just using me for some sexual pleasure

You have PTSD right? or maybe its BPD? I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, I have a ton experience in this area having C-PTSD and many relationships, I suffer with the exact same things but I've learned to deal with those feelings somewhat effectively. I think it's the distrust symptom of PTSD making you feel and think you have doubts which is overriding any clear evidence there might be that she cares about you. Such as being your girlfriend, anything sex-related, other stuff, and saying she likes you.

"I just dont get why she would do this" / "hours" - She can have a lot of reasons to appear online and not able to reply. Such as on her phone and just browsing. She also might be able to reply but not want to, because of her own anxiety, etc. You're probably subconsciously applying pressure on her to talk with you which might make her feel more pressured and anxious? Not your fault but if you look at it that way you might be able to stop doing it. This brings up another point, which is even if you can't see the reason doesn't mean there isn't one. It's best to assume that there is a reason, than assume there isn't one. Since she has BPD, anxiety and other things are perfectly valid reasons, but I also think, that everyone needs time to themselves from time to time. Some people want to talk to some of their partners almost all the time, I'm one of those people, but I just leave them a few messages while they're away then carry on with my business. Everytime I get a message back it makes me happy. Also hours doesn't seem like a very long time to me? I count myself lucky to get a message once/day if my partner is busy and exhausted. If you need to talk to her every hour you should be able to realise that could get exhausting for anyone? Even more so for introverts or people that don't want to socialise a lot.

"Just letting it slide makes me suffer" - She's not doing anything wrong, so you need to look at it from this perspective, which doesn't mean you have to suffer, it means that you have to learn to deal with your own feelings, either by yourself or find a friend to vent to that is supportive of her. I think the easiest way to make the feelings go away is to look at the clear evidence supporting that she does care about you. She has BPD which is extremely difficult to deal with as well and she is doing the same thing as best as she can. To be a good partner to someone with BPD you have to be really supportive and validating, which sounds like she is doing that for you. If you realise you've come across as emotional crybaby before then you should be able to stop it from happening again. It's not that your feelings aren't real, they are, but having feelings and suffering doesn't mean the other person is doing anything wrong, it's because they're dealing with their mental illness and you have one too. There's a reason why relationships are harder for people with mental illness and it's to do with self-sabotage and self-fulfilling thoughts and feelings.

tl;dr she does care about you

She just replied. She said she was busy. I guess she didnt have enough time to reply to my wall of text. I feel bad for giving this so much energy now.

This is what I thought. It takes a while to read a lot of replies too and I forgot about that, since I send a lot too and I think my partner might skim them sometimes. Don't be hard on yourself but recognize it's probably the PTSD making you feel this way and not anything she did. She was busy, she was reading. Try not to pressure her, because I know if someone pressured me then I would feel realllly bad. So try to look at it from her perspective too. Also though, your feelings are real, the best way I found to deal with them is look at the evidence that she does care, and if she seems to ignore you, the likely reason is they're actually busy.

I asked her how her day was and she said she doesnt want to talk about it. I dont want it to be that strict with a schedule but i also dont want to feel like im being neglected

This means she had a bad day. You need to be more supportive and look at it from her perspective. She might be feeling neglected too.

well, she was suicidal yesterday out of nowhere even though she said she has no depression. She is always binge eating too. I find it hard to understand her at all

This means she's having very bad days and negative thoughts. Binge eating is comfort eating to make her feel better. It's not difficult to understand, you need to be more supportive and look at it from her perspective.

Yes, exactly, its starting to get suspicious at this point. This shit has happened before. I said something offensive and she would ignore me for days. But this time I didnt say anything wrong, it just seems random and that makes me question her feelings for me. Im gonna be very straight forward, i have to guard my emotions and my partner should amount to them IMO

Suspicion is the PTSD talking. If you say something offensive being ghosted is pretty normal in today's society, there are worse consequences like breaking up entirely. You might've said something wrong or made her feel bad without knowing, for example making her feel pressured to talk. Even so, she's still replying to you and still says she has feelings for you, so looking at the evidence she does care about you.

I would suggest not confronting her about this but I don't know what the best thing. Only that if you do it wrong you're only going to end up pushing her further away. If she is feeling suicidal you should be more supportive imo, put your own feelings on the backburner. It's not impossible, I do that too, and I have C-PTSD.

Ask her what she's doing?
For the guy I'm talking to it helps to remind myself of the reality of the situation, someone being busy for a few hours is very normal. He often tells me what he's doing beforehand, and I know his schedule, so that helps. Also, I know like we talk like every night or maybe every other night, so knowing that for a fact I'll get a chance to talk to him helps. I just have to wait, you know? Worst case scenario I go to sleep or do something else to distract myself. I don't know my main advice would be to communicate clearly, get an idea of when you can talk next if you can, as knowing that can help you feel more secure, also find some things to do to distract yourself... You may also want to talk to a therapist for support.

All of this is good, remind of reality, get their schedule to feel better but also remember that they can break their schedule/promises/etc at any time and that's ok! They're suffering too. Just have to wait, knowing you'll get a reply back eventually is good, just hang in there and keep yourself busy. Worst case scenario is having to sleep or distract is good. Communicate clearly is good, idea of when you can talk next is good, to feel secure, and finding distract is good. Also talking to someone for support is good.

All of Inez advice is good here and how I deal with the same problem as OP. I spoke to Inez before and unsure whether they had PTSD or not, but its possible and these are good ways to deal with it. If you ask her what she's doing, be sure when you ask her what she's doing that you ask in a nice way and don't expect a reply back. If they're too busy they won't reply anyway.

Not getting into serious relationships while in a bad place is great advice. I avoided it for a year and it was great. I'm lucky to find someone smart and understanding, but even with that it's tough and it might still be a bad idea, but I get kind of obsessive so the emotions are stronger than any logical analysis. But I feel I'm sort of derailing the thread...

Relationship or no, doing things and not just thinking all day is great advice if you can do it. If not, I'd consider medication and therapy. (what i mean is that if you struggle to do fairly basic things, you probably need help, and I don't mean this in a judgemental way, it's my current situation).

This is all good too. Having someone understanding as aprtner, realising that emotions can be stronger than logical analysis, although once you realise that, you can use logic again. I don't think its derailing.

Doing things and not thinking is great advice for sure. Meds+Therapy is also what I'm trying next in my recovery stage.

Careful about that, a lot of young women (esp) are claiming and clamoring for a BPD diagnosis so that they can use it as an excuse (or a "reason" in their words) for absolutely shitty and shifty behavior.
In my experience most people who have been diagnosed with this^ who don't use it as an excuse, hold the diagnosis close to their chest, they don't really advertise it in any way and are slow to share, even with those close to them, likely because of the stereotypes that other people are contributing to.
It's become part of the mental illness "trend", and it's extremely easy to get the diagnosis, even more people self-diagnose on top of it.

I was watching youtube about some horrendous serial killers and they claim to have BPD, etc. They clearly have narcissistic traits too. I also know people definitely try to excuse bad behaviour with BPD. There are also people that are wonderful people and actually have BPD.

So my take on this is to never excuse bad, toxic, shitty or abusive behaviour. Unless you know that person for sure and can excuse some things or because you have to excuse them (if its family I guess).

You have to be certain that the other person is doing something wrong. As with rest of my post, in this case I don't think she is really ignoring OP, she's just busy and its the PTSD making everything feel 1000x worse than it actually is. PTSD is the culprit here, it sucks. (by example just a few PTSD symptoms relevant here are distrust/paranoia and feeling worthless)

Either way (I am a random internet stranger do not take this seriously) BPD is a pattern of behaviour really, not a structural issue with you brain, or something you can fix with medication. You need to relearn the unhealthy thought patterns and behavioural issues. BPD isn't an excuse, or shouldn't be, its something you should work hard to fix.

+1

Well I assume the suicidal stuff is from BPD, not depression, no?

+1

 

[InezSerrano]

You have PTSD right? or maybe its BPD? I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, I have a ton experience in this area having C-PTSD and many relationships, I suffer with the exact same things but I've learned to deal with those feelings somewhat effectively. I think it's the distrust symptom of PTSD making you feel and think you have doubts which is overriding any clear evidence there might be that she cares about you. Such as being your girlfriend, anything sex-related, other stuff, and saying she likes you.

"I just dont get why she would do this" / "hours" - She can have a lot of reasons to appear online and not able to reply. Such as on her phone and just browsing. She also might be able to reply but not want to, because of her own anxiety, etc. You're probably subconsciously applying pressure on her to talk with you which might make her feel more pressured and anxious? Not your fault but if you look at it that way you might be able to stop doing it. This brings up another point, which is even if you can't see the reason doesn't mean there isn't one. It's best to assume that there is a reason, than assume there isn't one. Since she has BPD, anxiety and other things are perfectly valid reasons, but I also think, that everyone needs time to themselves from time to time. Some people want to talk to some of their partners almost all the time, I'm one of those people, but I just leave them a few messages while they're away then carry on with my business. Everytime I get a message back it makes me happy. Also hours doesn't seem like a very long time to me? I count myself lucky to get a message once/day if my partner is busy and exhausted. If you need to talk to her every hour you should be able to realise that could get exhausting for anyone? Even more so for introverts or people that don't want to socialise a lot.

"Just letting it slide makes me suffer" - She's not doing anything wrong, so you need to look at it from this perspective, which doesn't mean you have to suffer, it means that you have to learn to deal with your own feelings, either by yourself or find a friend to vent to that is supportive of her. I think the easiest way to make the feelings go away is to look at the clear evidence supporting that she does care about you. She has BPD which is extremely difficult to deal with as well and she is doing the same thing as best as she can. To be a good partner to someone with BPD you have to be really supportive and validating, which sounds like she is doing that for you. If you realise you've come across as emotional crybaby before then you should be able to stop it from happening again. It's not that your feelings aren't real, they are, but having feelings and suffering doesn't mean the other person is doing anything wrong, it's because they're dealing with their mental illness and you have one too. There's a reason why relationships are harder for people with mental illness and it's to do with self-sabotage and self-fulfilling thoughts and feelings.

tl;dr she does care about you


This is what I thought. It takes a while to read a lot of replies too and I forgot about that, since I send a lot too and I think my partner might skim them sometimes. Don't be hard on yourself but recognize it's probably the PTSD making you feel this way and not anything she did. She was busy, she was reading. Try not to pressure her, because I know if someone pressured me then I would feel realllly bad. So try to look at it from her perspective too. Also though, your feelings are real, the best way I found to deal with them is look at the evidence that she does care, and if she seems to ignore you, the likely reason is they're actually busy.

This means she had a bad day. You need to be more supportive and look at it from her perspective. She might be feeling neglected too.


This means she's having very bad days and negative thoughts. Binge eating is comfort eating to make her feel better. It's not difficult to understand, you need to be more supportive and look at it from her perspective.


Suspicion is the PTSD talking. If you say something offensive being ghosted is pretty normal in today's society, there are worse consequences like breaking up entirely. You might've said something wrong or made her feel bad without knowing, for example making her feel pressured to talk. Even so, she's still replying to you and still says she has feelings for you, so looking at the evidence she does care about you.

I would suggest not confronting her about this but I don't know what the best thing. Only that if you do it wrong you're only going to end up pushing her further away. If she is feeling suicidal you should be more supportive imo, put your own feelings on the backburner. It's not impossible, I do that too, and I have C-PTSD.

All of this is good, remind of reality, get their schedule to feel better but also remember that they can't break their schedule/promises/etc at any time and that's ok! They're suffering too. Just have to wait, knowing you'll get a reply back eventually is good, just hang in there and keep yourself busy. Worst case scenario is having to sleep or distract is good. Communicate clearly is good, idea of when you can talk next is good, to feel secure, and finding distract is good. Also talking to someone for support is good.

All of Inez advice is good here and how I deal with the same problem as OP. I spoke to Inez before and unsure whether they had PTSD or not, but its possible and these are good ways to deal with it. If you ask her what she's doing, be sure when you ask her what she's doing that you ask in a nice way and don't expect a reply back. If they're too busy they won't reply anyway.

This is all good too. Having someone understanding as aprtner, realising that emotions can be stronger than logical analysis, although once you realise that, you can use logic again. I don't think its derailing.

Doing things and not thinking is great advice for sure. Meds+Therapy is also what I'm trying next in my recovery stage.

I was watching youtube about some horrendous serial killers and they claim to have BPD, etc. They clearly have narcissistic traits too. I also know people definitely try to excuse bad behaviour with BPD. There are also people that are wonderful people and actually have BPD.

So my take on this is to never excuse bad, toxic, shitty or abusive behaviour. Unless you know that person for sure and can excuse some things or because you have to excuse them (if its family I guess).

You have to be certain that the other person is doing something wrong. As with rest of my post, in this case I don't think she is really ignoring OP, she's just busy and its the PTSD making everything feel 1000x worse than it actually is. PTSD is the culprit here, it sucks. (by example just a few PTSD symptoms relevant here are distrust/paranoia and feeling worthless)

+1

+1

Good luck on your recovery, I wish you the best. Medication for me took the edge off it, not a complete solution, but sort of quick and easy. Finding a good therapist on the other hand..

 

[Suicidebydeath]

If she is mentally ill the issue is more likely her, not you, right? Have you told her you feel like this? How did she react?

PTSD definitely skews relationships too, so it can be both. I think because you obviously have a great handle and self-awareness of your own symptoms you can deal with it but imagine if you just had all of the feelings and no thoughts on how to deal with them at all.

Good luck on your recovery, I wish you the best. Medication for me took the edge off it, not a complete solution, but sort of quick and easy. Finding a good therapist on the other hand..

Yeah don't even get me started on therapists lol. I saw a thread in discussion other day that was sad about people bashing "all" psychiatry etc but some people legitimately have a lot of horrible experiences, that go beyond things like treatment methods, such as myself. So.. I don't know how I feel about venturing down that road again. It might be best not to, I don't know if thats the C-PTSD speaking though or just genuinely because I know that another therapist like the last one will make me feel 1000x worse because they were nearly criminally abusive.

Self-therapy or a best friend to talk to might be better in the short-term than "therapy" but I don't know, as I've had no real positive experience or outcome from it, at best, its neutral. I've also been misdiagnosed off neutral therapy so.. it's kind of been useless or worse than useless for me personally. ~ Disclaimer though for self-therapy you really need to be able to recognize when stuff comes from the illness/es and isn't "normal", and separate all the "toxic things or things you heard/read that sound relevant" from the things that aren't so you don't end up doing more things wrong. C-PTSD wasn't a known thing when I was growing up so information available now would've been helpful to me if I had that information back then.

 

[InezSerrano]

Also, if you find yourself spamming them a lot, or sending long messages, and they aren't okay with that, you could consider journaling or something instead. I'm not entirely clear though if this is the case or not. The guy I'm talking to is okay with it, he doesn't read it all but that's okay with me.

PTSD definitely skews relationships too, so it can be both. I think because you obviously have a great handle and self-awareness of your own symptoms you can deal with it but imagine if you just had all of the feelings and no thoughts on how to deal with them at all.

Yeah don't even get me started on therapists lol. I saw a thread in discussion other day that was sad about people bashing "all" psychiatry etc but some people legitimately have a lot of horrible experiences, that go beyond things like treatment methods, such as myself. So.. I don't know how I feel about venturing down that road again. It might be best not to, I don't know if thats the C-PTSD speaking though or just genuinely because I know that another therapist like the last one will make me feel 1000x worse because they were nearly criminally abusive.

Self-therapy or a best friend to talk to might be better in the short-term than "therapy" but I don't know, as I've had no real positive experience or outcome from it, at best, its neutral. I've also been misdiagnosed off neutral therapy so.. it's kind of been useless or worse than useless for me personally.

Yeah, I don't really know what to say, my only advice is to go for PhDs that specialize in like trauma or whatever your issue is, and to be willing to try a few people. Even that can be hard though, especially as it's in higher demand with corona. I don't know where you live, but in the US you can use the APA search tool, it's pretty good.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

You have PTSD right? or maybe its BPD? I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, I have a ton experience in this area having C-PTSD and many relationships, I suffer with the exact same things but I've learned to deal with those feelings somewhat effectively. I think it's the distrust symptom of PTSD making you feel and think you have doubts which is overriding any clear evidence there might be that she cares about you. Such as being your girlfriend, anything sex-related, other stuff, and saying she likes you.

"I just dont get why she would do this" / "hours" - She can have a lot of reasons to appear online and not able to reply. Such as on her phone and just browsing. She also might be able to reply but not want to, because of her own anxiety, etc. You're probably subconsciously applying pressure on her to talk with you which might make her feel more pressured and anxious? Not your fault but if you look at it that way you might be able to stop doing it. This brings up another point, which is even if you can't see the reason doesn't mean there isn't one. It's best to assume that there is a reason, than assume there isn't one. Since she has BPD, anxiety and other things are perfectly valid reasons, but I also think, that everyone needs time to themselves from time to time. Some people want to talk to some of their partners almost all the time, I'm one of those people, but I just leave them a few messages while they're away then carry on with my business. Everytime I get a message back it makes me happy. Also hours doesn't seem like a very long time to me? I count myself lucky to get a message once/day if my partner is busy and exhausted. If you need to talk to her every hour you should be able to realise that could get exhausting for anyone? Even more so for introverts or people that don't want to socialise a lot.

"Just letting it slide makes me suffer" - She's not doing anything wrong, so you need to look at it from this perspective, which doesn't mean you have to suffer, it means that you have to learn to deal with your own feelings, either by yourself or find a friend to vent to that is supportive of her. I think the easiest way to make the feelings go away is to look at the clear evidence supporting that she does care about you. She has BPD which is extremely difficult to deal with as well and she is doing the same thing as best as she can. To be a good partner to someone with BPD you have to be really supportive and validating, which sounds like she is doing that for you. If you realise you've come across as emotional crybaby before then you should be able to stop it from happening again. It's not that your feelings aren't real, they are, but having feelings and suffering doesn't mean the other person is doing anything wrong, it's because they're dealing with their mental illness and you have one too. There's a reason why relationships are harder for people with mental illness and it's to do with self-sabotage and self-fulfilling thoughts and feelings.

tl;dr she does care about you


This is what I thought. It takes a while to read a lot of replies too and I forgot about that, since I send a lot too and I think my partner might skim them sometimes. Don't be hard on yourself but recognize it's probably the PTSD making you feel this way and not anything she did. She was busy, she was reading. Try not to pressure her, because I know if someone pressured me then I would feel realllly bad. So try to look at it from her perspective too. Also though, your feelings are real, the best way I found to deal with them is look at the evidence that she does care, and if she seems to ignore you, the likely reason is they're actually busy.

This means she had a bad day. You need to be more supportive and look at it from her perspective. She might be feeling neglected too.


This means she's having very bad days and negative thoughts. Binge eating is comfort eating to make her feel better. It's not difficult to understand, you need to be more supportive and look at it from her perspective.


Suspicion is the PTSD talking. If you say something offensive being ghosted is pretty normal in today's society, there are worse consequences like breaking up entirely. You might've said something wrong or made her feel bad without knowing, for example making her feel pressured to talk. Even so, she's still replying to you and still says she has feelings for you, so looking at the evidence she does care about you.

I would suggest not confronting her about this but I don't know what the best thing. Only that if you do it wrong you're only going to end up pushing her further away. If she is feeling suicidal you should be more supportive imo, put your own feelings on the backburner. It's not impossible, I do that too, and I have C-PTSD.

Thank you for a such a reply. I don't have CPTSD but I do have bipolar and maybe borderline (since i experience emotions very strongly, i think that is related to it). You're right, this is my problem, not hers, im able to deal with her mental illness but not my own. I have low self esteem and abandonment issues because of my depression. Anyway, I will keep trying to support her. I actually do understand her mental health, nvm what i said, but sometimes the way she goes about things leaves me uncertain and insecure. Like you said, I need to start putting some trust and faith in her.

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

I dont know why but sometimes she ignores me for hours. At first I thought she was busy but then I would see her online and still not taking the time to reply.

It's easy to comment and reply to people you have little connection with, especially when you're feeling meh. The PM is harder, and it may take days for me to respond. I'm not ignoring the person, I'm just waiting until I'm feeling in a good enough mood to write a genuine reply.

Dunno if that's why she "ignores" you, but that's why I can be active online and not "take the time" to reply. I try to not let it get much over a week with people I exchange messages with.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Thank you for a such a reply. I don't have CPTSD but I do have bipolar and maybe borderline (since i experience emotions very strongly, i think that is related to it). You're right, this is my problem, not hers, im able to deal with her mental illness but not my own. I have low self esteem and abandonment issues because of my depression. Anyway, I will keep trying to support her. I actually do understand her mental health, nvm what i said, but sometimes the way she goes about things leaves me uncertain and insecure. Like you said, I need to start putting some trust and faith in her.

BPD and PTSD are similar in a lot of ways and different in others. Clinginess is defined as a BPD symptom and not as a PTSD one but sometimes I feel clingy as well I just do my best to avoid expressing it, I can imagine since its not a defined symptom it might be worse in those with BPD. I think abandoment is another BPD symptom that isn't in PTSD but I also feel that a little because its natural to not want to lose someone important, so I guess it's just worse in those with BPD. Low self-esteem is a PTSD issue but for me it only seems to happen in waves, or when something bad happens, most of the time I seem to feel alright, or well I don't have feelings but I think I'm alright.

Keep supporting her is probably best. To expand on what I mean by that, I don't know because I'm going through something similar and they want to support me and I don't let them because I can deal with things on my own, I just don't know if that is best or to find a middle ground. What I'm doing now seems to be working mostly but if they offer to help me that's where I get stuck on what to do.

However keeping trust and faith is absolutely the right thing to do. There's no doubt about that there for me, that's 100% the best course.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Ignore her

 

[InezSerrano]

Ignore her

This seems like horrible advice, unless you're telling him to end the relationship?