My full relationship with suicide

[Ineedthis]

If the opportunity to kill myself painlessly and easily arises, I will take it in a heartbeat. I randomly remember a trip I took with my family one time to a zip lining place. Every time I was about to go there was a brief point where I wasn't attached to anything and was right at the edge of a super high up platform and, theoretically, could just jump off and die a quick, painless death. Of course, thinking realistically, my SI would make me hesitate if I actually tried and it would be enough time for someone to grab me and stop me from jumping. Anyways I've had quite a few suicide attempts at this point, but none of them feel serious enough to be called suicide attempts. My first two were with the night-night method. My first attempt I got two shirts and started taping them to my neck roughly where it showed on the diagram on the at mega thread and taped tighter and tighter. It didn't work at all, mainly cause I was trying to use scotch tape which was silly of me. I almost laugh thinking of that first attempt. Seconds attempt was the night-night method again but this time I used duct tape and string to get it real tight. Again it didn't have much of an effect. At the end of the night I resorted to just trying to strangled myself with a sinkhole piece of string which obviously didn't work and just left me with some suspicious bruises on my neck that were awkward to walk around with at work. My third attempt was with blended up cherry seeds. I blended about three cherry seeds up and put it into some water and too a ton of Motrin before and then took the cherry seed water. It had no effect on me and I know now that, according to poison control, you would need over ten cherry seeds to kill a healthy adult male. My last attempt was more of just practice but at the same time if I could get it right just then I would follow through all the way and end my life. I tried the night-night method AGAIN but this time with two shirts and a belt. Same result, which is I felt pretty much nothing. Pretty sure I did something wrong with all the night-night attempts but whatever. No matter how many times I try to kill myself a part of my mind will always tell me that I'm being over dramatic and an edge-lord and that I just do these things so that I can feel like I went through something in my life. Some party of me will always tell me that everyone goes through what I go through I just choose not to fight nay temptation and let everything get worse. So that's my relationship with suicide summed up, I hope this helps someone somehow l, writing it sure helped me feel better. Hopefully someone else on this forum who relates to this at least a little bit will see it.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @Ineedthis,

If the opportunity to kill myself painlessly and easily arises, I will take it in a heartbeat. I randomly remember a trip I took with my family one time to a zip lining place. Every time I was about to go there was a brief point where I wasn't attached to anything and was right at the edge of a super high up platform and, theoretically, could just jump off and die a quick, painless death. Of course, thinking realistically, my SI would make me hesitate if I actually tried and it would be enough time for someone to grab me and stop me from jumping. Anyways I've had quite a few suicide attempts at this point, but none of them feel serious enough to be called suicide attempts.

I'm so sorry how you feel. I'm afraid of pain when I think about my CTB, so I feel trapped in this cruel world.

Anyways I've had quite a few suicide attempts at this point, but none of them feel serious enough to be called suicide attempts.

Sometime I feel this way, too. I tried partial hanging only once and I tried to poison myself several times, but the amount of poison I took was way too little to kill me.

No matter how many times I try to kill myself a part of my mind will always tell me that I'm being over dramatic and an edge-lord and that I just do these things so that I can feel like I went through something in my life.

I feel this way, because I feel like I made myself "damaged goods" due to my incompetence and it's entirely my fault. I feel like I need an excuse to make myself less ashamed.

I hope this helps someone somehow l, writing it sure helped me feel better. Hopefully someone else on this forum who relates to this at least a little bit will see it.

Thanks so much, your post told me I'm not alone

But I want to say your anguish and suffering is real and should be taken seriously.
I read several threads you posted, and my impression is that you haven't gotten much respect.
Your posts are incredibly relatable to me - and I'm so sorry because of that - I guess you've felt very isolated.

I read your thread "Religious and suicidal." Are you a Christian? I'm technically not a Christian but I was taught Christianity as a child and believe in God.

I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

Love,
LoiteringClouds

 

[Ineedthis]

Hello @Ineedthis,


I'm so sorry how you feel. I'm afraid of pain when I think about my CTB, so I feel trapped in this cruel world.


Sometime I feel this way, too. I tried partial hanging only once and I tried to poison myself several times, but the amount of poison I took was way too little to kill me.


I feel this way, because I feel like I made myself "damaged goods" due to my incompetence and it's entirely my fault. I feel like I need an excuse to make myself less ashamed.


Thanks so much, your post told me I'm not alone

But I want to say your anguish and suffering is real and should be taken seriously.
I read several threads you posted, and my impression is that you haven't gotten much respect.
Your posts are incredibly relatable to me - and I'm so sorry because of that - I guess you've felt very isolated.

I read your thread "Religious and suicidal." Are you a Christian? I'm technically not a Christian but I was taught Christianity as a child and believe in God.

I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

Love,
LoiteringClouds

Your replies really brightened my night. I came here while having a panic attack to call me down, and maybe it was just the Cbd and painkillers, but I feel better reading your replies. To answer your question, I'm Jewish.

I read several threads you posted, and my impression is that you haven't gotten much respect.

See the weird thing is that all my family take all my emotions resale seriously and even pay for my therapy. It's mainly just me telling myself that my problems aren't real. Maybe I'm just on the internet too often, where suicide and depression are jokes about constantly as if they're nothing.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Your replies really brightened my night. I came here while having a panic attack to call me down, and maybe it was just the Cbd and painkillers, but I feel better reading your replies. To answer your question, I'm Jewish.

Thanks so much for your reply and kind words
And now you feel a bit better - that's exactly what I hoped for.

Sorry for misunderstanding, and I know little about Judaism, but I love this sentences:

"Our generation has come to know man as he really is: the being that has invented the gas chambers of Auschwitz, and also the being who entered those gas chambers upright, the Lord's Prayer or the Shema Yisrael on his lips."
- Viktor E. Frankl, "Psychotherapy and Existentialism."

Sometimes I cry when I read it.
I know many people on this forum are atheists or agnostics, and might think this is a glorification of suffering. So I would never push my belief to anybody, but personally I think It's so powerful and beautiful. Some people know what to do even when they are going to be brutally killed soon.
How do you think about the sentences above?

See the weird thing is that all my family take all my emotions resale seriously and even pay for my therapy. It's mainly just me telling myself that my problems aren't real. Maybe I'm just on the internet too often, where suicide and depression are jokes about constantly as if they're nothing.

Your situation may be similar to mine - my family are supportive, and I even have ID for people with disability issued by my local government (I'm not on benefits but I pay less taxes thanks to the ID,) so no one denies my struggle, but sometimes I feel like I'm just overreacting to life's common challenges.

Many people on the internet make fun of suicidal people, but I no longer browse such toxic places, because there is this forum - SaSu has kept my sanity.

I'm grateful to God, people on this forum and in my real life - God has been incredibly merciful to me so far. I still want to die 24/7, and I even made several CTB attempts in my dream, but my life is not a torture for now. I'm so sorry many people on this forum are in living hell.

You seems to have strong SI but that doesn't mean you are not suffering - Anecdotal evidence suggests CTB is really difficult. There's many people trapped on this world.

Thanks for reading

LoiteringClouds