My fucking fault

[Liamm]

My fucking fault, always my fucking fault. I was fucking Sexually assaulted and naturally I dont like being touched or having a man too close. My qifes brother is literally so close he is breathing on me, I obviously react and I say not to get so close to me, because he keeps doing this. My fuckinh wife gets mad at me and tells me "he doesn't understand." He does have some mental issues, however he does this to NO ONE else, and I constantly tell him to stop and I this is the first time I reacted angrily because it doesn't seem to work.

You know whats fuckin crazy? Ive been constantly telling her this example is why I feel my feelings and words dont matter in our marriage. You know what I get? Silence. In fact, she is the victim actually cause Im just a fucking damn shitty husband. EVERY FUCKINH TIME SHE HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME, I CHANGE. I SACRIFICED MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD FRIENDS BECAUSE SHE WAS INSECURE. And yet, she keeps saying I'm just gonna leave her or something.

My OCD qnd her therapist make me think Im so shitty and Im so fucking confused. I ask outside people to tell me if Im crazy, and I always am careful to not show my bias. I care alot about growing into a better person but its never fuckinh enough
Im always doing another damned thing wrong.


I mist literally be the single shittiest subhuman trash alive if i cant do anything right. Right?

I told her and our marriage counselor I had gender dysphoria. They basically made me choose and I said I chose my wife. I told the marriage counselor I felt unheard and unimportant in our marriage, I was told that I was co-dependant. So so many other things that happen and every single fucking time I choose whats best for her and our marriage. Im the only one who changes and she had the fucking audacity to tell me I was unwilling to sacrifice for this marriage. Giving my childhood friends away, suffering gender dysphoria when I could literally go through transition for free right now, changing anything and everything she asks me to, and still fucking smiling when Im with her is not enough.

I cant even cut anymore because she looks for scars and gets angry at me for having them.

What am i doing wrong. i ask the therapists i ask family, and i change accordingly but its never enough. im simply not enough. i know its not one to one, but so many people tell me im kind But maybe those were all lies? Or i changed? Did i just put on a facade?

I was supposed to kill myself, or atleast have all my materials by august. But I didnt have the money to buy SN. I didnt know it was so expensive. i kinda forgot about it since then, but I think ill buy it now. If im dead it wont matter anymore cause i cant do anything more wrong.

im so fucking scared of hell. I know i'm saved, i believe in Jesus, but i keep thinking that if i died i would just wake up in hell anyways because im just so horrible. How could i call myself a christian? i try to love everyone no matter who or where they came from, but im still just so bad.

i wish i had my friend, to vent to. To cry too. I miss them so fucking much. i could safely talk to them about my feelings without causing any problems.

What motivated me is the night before i die. The night i can have control of my life for once. i'll put on some light makeup, ill pick a cute outfit, i'll send one last message to my friends from days past, ill make sure everyone knows it wasnt their fault and ill dissappear. I dont know when, but ill think about when. In the mean time, all i can do is prepare.

its so cold, alone. so, so cold. ill be free soon.

 

[Timothy7dff]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. How old were you when you were sexually assaulted? That seems like it's incredibly difficult to overcome.

 

[Liamm]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. How old were you when you were sexually assaulted? That seems like it's incredibly difficult to overcome.

Thank you. I was 20. By all accounts "grown."

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Do you have your own therapist? One who isn't connected or biased towards your wife and your marriage? Take this with a grain of salt, as I am no therapist, but you may have feelings of resentment towards your wife because you don't feel free to pursue your own "truth". I doubt you'll be able to reconcile those feelings, if you have them, within the confines of your current situation. Just my 2 cents.

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

It's never your fault, sexual assault will never be your fault, I know how it feels, to feel as if you couldve done something differently to change your fate, but it can't be chabged, you have to learn and grow from that experience and know that it was never your fault. I can't imagine being trapped in a relationship where you have no freedom to transition or be your true self, as a trans person myself I would feel so isolated unable to be my real self, your Wife seems extremely controlling and not thinking about your feelings along the way, I hope that you can be your true self one day and be free

 

[Liamm]

Do you have your own therapist? One who isn't connected or biased towards your wife and your marriage? Take this with a grain of salt, as I am no therapist, but you may have feelings of resentment towards your wife because you don't feel free to pursue your own "truth". I doubt you'll be able to reconcile those feelings, if you have them, within the confines of your current situation. Just my 2 cents.

You're probably very right. And no, I dont have my own therapist yet. I may try and work on that. Thanks for sharing.

It's never your fault, sexual assault will never be your fault, I know how it feels, to feel as if you couldve done something differently to change your fate, but it can't be chabged, you have to learn and grow from that experience and know that it was never your fault. I can't imagine being trapped in a relationship where you have no freedom to transition or be your true self, as a trans person myself I would feel so isolated unable to be my real self, your Wife seems extremely controlling and not thinking about your feelings along the way, I hope that you can be your true self one day and be free

Thank you for sharing. And thank you for reaffirming me. I hope to be free one day as well... In death or life.

 

[wren-briar]

Regardless of therapy (at this point in my life, I strongly recommend avoiding anyone in the supposed MH "profession") please know that you aren't alone!

Depending on where you are in the world, you may be able to find, or even start, a trans-support group.

I'll add that I'm better off by no longer having those people who didn't support my transition in my life. While I didn't have a spouse, I can say that spouses who didn't remain at least supportive friends have -to a T- been harmful to my trans-sisters and trans-brothers. I've seen supportive spouses who remained spouses, and I seen former spouses who became supportive friends, but spouses who weren't supportive, I've only seen them cause harm, and lots of it.


As for the sexual assault, it's not your fault, period. I wish there was a magic pill to undo the damage that such violations cause, but I'm unaware of any such help. I will say that there are many of us that have survived and appear perfectly normal and functional, but who are also dealing with the long-lasting impacts.

 

[Liamm]

Regardless of therapy (at this point in my life, I strongly recommend avoiding anyone in the supposed MH "profession") please know that you aren't alone!

Depending on where you are in the world, you may be able to find, or even start, a trans-support group.

I'll add that I'm better off by no longer having those people who didn't support my transition in my life. While I didn't have a spouse, I can say that spouses who didn't remain at least supportive friends have -to a T- been harmful to my trans-sisters and trans-brothers. I've seen supportive spouses who remained spouses, and I seen former spouses who became supportive friends, but spouses who weren't supportive, I've only seen them cause harm, and lots of it.


As for the sexual assault, it's not your fault, period. I wish there was a magic pill to undo the damage that such violations cause, but I'm unaware of any such help. I will say that there are many of us that have survived and appear perfectly normal and functional, but who are also dealing with the long-lasting impacts.

If only i wasnt so fucking spineless or negative. But still thank you for sharing. i joined a support group but either im not really... Accepted there (im the only pre- transition) or the group just stopped existing. Who knows?

 

[wren-briar]

either im not really... Accepted there (im the only pre- transition) or the group just stopped existing.

The groups that I've been affiliated with have always been very welcoming to anyone, wherever they were on their own journey. However, a couple of them were predominantly attended by folks who had either know each other before hand or had become a really tight set of friends, and so they could appear cliquish.

Obviously, I can't speak for every such group, but the dynamics of being trans often times have meant individuals simply develop much tighter bonds with others who understand what they've experienced, sort of like friendships developed in combat or other stressful times. So, even if you didn't feel particularly welcome, odds are you were actually more welcome in the group than you probably felt like you were. Also, in the one really large group that I attended, people would often times only come once or twice, and -as someone who attended regularly- it's exhausting to invest a lot of energy in people who you'll probably never see again.

All of which is to say, if the group is still meeting, go several times, try to get to know one or two of the "regulars", and, be open with them about where you are in your journey, to include your desire for supportive friends who understand where you are in your personal journey, i.e. make a point of highlighting the common ground.

Last but not least, as a transwomen, ask for make-up and clothes advice, and ask if they ever go out as a group (e.g. out to dinner). I'm trans-masculine, so our dynamics are a bit different, but I've been in enough mixed groups (frankly, I'm often the only guy in mixed groups) and have enough trans-sisters, that some things are really obvious to me, that may not always seem so obvious to my sisters.

There are two things that I've seen my trans-sisters almost instantly bonding over.

First, baby sisters are often horrible with make-up and fashion- sort of like pre-teen cis-girls- and many of the ladies that have been around a while love -absolutely love- to share what they've learned over the years since they started transitioning (as a trans-dude, when I realize that's happening, I take a moment to appreciate how happy all the ladies are, and then I totally " nope" out, because I genuinely have no interest in those things).

Second, a lot of trans-sisters who are early in their journeys are scared to go out in public. The older ladies, in particular, totally get this, and so they will often have smaller, less official, groups that go out and do things together, like a meal before or after the group meeting, or eating at a different resteraunt each week. I've noticed that the older ladies will only invite someone to join them, when that person explicitly asks about going out in a group. (There are a bunch of dynamics around this.).

Hope that helps at least a bit!

(fwiw: transitioning is one of the best things that I ever did for myself.)