My fucking fault, always my fucking fault. I was fucking Sexually assaulted and naturally I dont like being touched or having a man too close. My qifes brother is literally so close he is breathing on me, I obviously react and I say not to get so close to me, because he keeps doing this. My fuckinh wife gets mad at me and tells me "he doesn't understand." He does have some mental issues, however he does this to NO ONE else, and I constantly tell him to stop and I this is the first time I reacted angrily because it doesn't seem to work.
You know whats fuckin crazy? Ive been constantly telling her this example is why I feel my feelings and words dont matter in our marriage. You know what I get? Silence. In fact, she is the victim actually cause Im just a fucking damn shitty husband. EVERY FUCKINH TIME SHE HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME, I CHANGE. I SACRIFICED MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD FRIENDS BECAUSE SHE WAS INSECURE. And yet, she keeps saying I'm just gonna leave her or something.
My OCD qnd her therapist make me think Im so shitty and Im so fucking confused. I ask outside people to tell me if Im crazy, and I always am careful to not show my bias. I care alot about growing into a better person but its never fuckinh enough
Im always doing another damned thing wrong.
I mist literally be the single shittiest subhuman trash alive if i cant do anything right. Right?
I told her and our marriage counselor I had gender dysphoria. They basically made me choose and I said I chose my wife. I told the marriage counselor I felt unheard and unimportant in our marriage, I was told that I was co-dependant. So so many other things that happen and every single fucking time I choose whats best for her and our marriage. Im the only one who changes and she had the fucking audacity to tell me I was unwilling to sacrifice for this marriage. Giving my childhood friends away, suffering gender dysphoria when I could literally go through transition for free right now, changing anything and everything she asks me to, and still fucking smiling when Im with her is not enough.
I cant even cut anymore because she looks for scars and gets angry at me for having them.
What am i doing wrong. i ask the therapists i ask family, and i change accordingly but its never enough. im simply not enough. i know its not one to one, but so many people tell me im kind But maybe those were all lies? Or i changed? Did i just put on a facade?
I was supposed to kill myself, or atleast have all my materials by august. But I didnt have the money to buy SN. I didnt know it was so expensive. i kinda forgot about it since then, but I think ill buy it now. If im dead it wont matter anymore cause i cant do anything more wrong.
im so fucking scared of hell. I know i'm saved, i believe in Jesus, but i keep thinking that if i died i would just wake up in hell anyways because im just so horrible. How could i call myself a christian? i try to love everyone no matter who or where they came from, but im still just so bad.
i wish i had my friend, to vent to. To cry too. I miss them so fucking much. i could safely talk to them about my feelings without causing any problems.
What motivated me is the night before i die. The night i can have control of my life for once. i'll put on some light makeup, ill pick a cute outfit, i'll send one last message to my friends from days past, ill make sure everyone knows it wasnt their fault and ill dissappear. I dont know when, but ill think about when. In the mean time, all i can do is prepare.
its so cold, alone. so, so cold. ill be free soon.
You know whats fuckin crazy? Ive been constantly telling her this example is why I feel my feelings and words dont matter in our marriage. You know what I get? Silence. In fact, she is the victim actually cause Im just a fucking damn shitty husband. EVERY FUCKINH TIME SHE HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME, I CHANGE. I SACRIFICED MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD FRIENDS BECAUSE SHE WAS INSECURE. And yet, she keeps saying I'm just gonna leave her or something.
My OCD qnd her therapist make me think Im so shitty and Im so fucking confused. I ask outside people to tell me if Im crazy, and I always am careful to not show my bias. I care alot about growing into a better person but its never fuckinh enough
Im always doing another damned thing wrong.
I mist literally be the single shittiest subhuman trash alive if i cant do anything right. Right?
I told her and our marriage counselor I had gender dysphoria. They basically made me choose and I said I chose my wife. I told the marriage counselor I felt unheard and unimportant in our marriage, I was told that I was co-dependant. So so many other things that happen and every single fucking time I choose whats best for her and our marriage. Im the only one who changes and she had the fucking audacity to tell me I was unwilling to sacrifice for this marriage. Giving my childhood friends away, suffering gender dysphoria when I could literally go through transition for free right now, changing anything and everything she asks me to, and still fucking smiling when Im with her is not enough.
I cant even cut anymore because she looks for scars and gets angry at me for having them.
What am i doing wrong. i ask the therapists i ask family, and i change accordingly but its never enough. im simply not enough. i know its not one to one, but so many people tell me im kind But maybe those were all lies? Or i changed? Did i just put on a facade?
I was supposed to kill myself, or atleast have all my materials by august. But I didnt have the money to buy SN. I didnt know it was so expensive. i kinda forgot about it since then, but I think ill buy it now. If im dead it wont matter anymore cause i cant do anything more wrong.
im so fucking scared of hell. I know i'm saved, i believe in Jesus, but i keep thinking that if i died i would just wake up in hell anyways because im just so horrible. How could i call myself a christian? i try to love everyone no matter who or where they came from, but im still just so bad.
i wish i had my friend, to vent to. To cry too. I miss them so fucking much. i could safely talk to them about my feelings without causing any problems.
What motivated me is the night before i die. The night i can have control of my life for once. i'll put on some light makeup, ill pick a cute outfit, i'll send one last message to my friends from days past, ill make sure everyone knows it wasnt their fault and ill dissappear. I dont know when, but ill think about when. In the mean time, all i can do is prepare.
its so cold, alone. so, so cold. ill be free soon.
