Venting My friends wanted to talk about my plans

[sancta-simplicitas]

We met through a Discord server a couple of years ago. We're still all on the server, but recently we've created a separate server for the three of us. I've told them both individually that I plan to CTB, they didn't seem to react in any special way which I thought was kind of nice. Since I assumed they already knew, I've been using the server we met in to vent about it (which is totally fine, no one objects nor involves authorities) and when I set a date I wrote about it there too. A couple of days after that, one of my friends reached out and said they had been shocked at reading that, because they didn't think I had planned to go through with it. She asked if I wanted to talk to them both about it, I kind of felt uncomfortable at the thought but I didn't object, so we did.

It was... Very uncomfortable. They expressed that they wouldn't try to stop me, that it was my decision and that they'd be sad and miss me, and while that part was nice, it sucked to have it out in the open like that. I felt extremely guilty and a little confused, because it was so unexpected and sudden. One of them suggested we'd never talk about it again and when I asked, they expressed that it would be easiest for them to just enjoy the time that we have left together so we agreed on that.

I should be happy about it in hindsight, to have such understanding friends but I really am not. It's like this weird elephant has emerged in the middle of the room and I can't look past it. Before, when it was unspoken, I went to our little server to seek solace, just having a good time with my friends. Now I can barely think of anything else than my pain. It feels as if I have to play a role and I'm trying my best to be positive, outgoing and supportive of them to give them good memories of our last time together but I just feel drained and often in so much pain that I can't fake it. I can barely pretend like everything is normal, when we all know that nothing is. If I take some time for myself, they've both reacted with having gotten worried about me. I feel trapped in a very weird limbo.

I've also become even more afraid of failing now. SI has been a constant worrying of mine, but now it sort of feels like there's an immediate pressure on me to get it right, otherwise I'd risk upsetting them. Like I have been leading them on or something. I feel bad for even typing this, because I know they only meant well. It's just me who's so fucked up I can't even handle regular human interaction anymore. Fuck.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm in a similar boat having confided in some friends who were accepting (even though one of them couldn't tolerate discussion about it anymore) and then after that still interacting with them as per normal. It is a little strange and like you said is a mixed bag. Did you expect them to react that way?

Even though you revealed that to them there is no pressure to actually make an attempt and there is no pressure specifically because of them to succeed at it.

 

[Raven2]

You have very understanding friends but please dont ever feel pressured into feeling like you have to ctb just because it's been discussed. If anything they would want you to live. If you need to take some time away from them maybe just explain you need some space and to not to worry about you if your ctb date is not near.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I'm in a similar boat having confided in some friends who were accepting (even though one of them couldn't tolerate discussion about it anymore) and then after that still interacting with them as per normal. It is a little strange and like you said is a mixed bag. Did you expect them to react that way?

Even though you revealed that to them there is no pressure to actually make an attempt and there is no pressure specifically because of them to succeed at it.

Thank you for sharing, it's a relief knowing that I'm not alone. And that there actually are good friends out there. How do you feel about trying to retain normalcy? I didn't, mostly because I thought that me telling them about it earlier and their reactions then was what was at play. It was a little shocking. The word "devastated" was thrown around and I feel awful about it.

You have very understanding friends but please dont ever feel pressured into feeling like you have to ctb just because it's been discussed. If anything they would want you to live. If you need to take some time away from them maybe just explain you need some space and to not to worry about you if your ctb date is not near.

I have been easing into the idea for the past half year or so and it's been something that's made a lot of sense for me, even more so as time as gone on and events have unfolded. But it was easier before this discussion just because it was so free of pressure. I could choose to ease into it just as much as I wanted to in another way. Now one of them, who I've been planning to meet up this summer, has said that he is extending his stay because he'll never see me again and that he's accepted that I'm going to die. So if I end up failing on my set date, he'd end up spending unecessary extra time here. It's also just an odd feeling that there's someone out there who's accepted my death when I'm not even fully there yet.

 

[accountnamerequired]

I like your username it sounds very sophisticated with than Latin lol