murmur
cage
- Dec 11, 2022
- 116
I don't usually vent or vent this hard but this has been perplexing me, so much.
There've been 2 people that I got very close with, these friendships were held up strongly not just because we enjoyed eachothers company's so much, but because circumstantially it made sense. When it didnt make sense circumstantially (say, moving far away, finding other clicks), it was always very clear from the events on the timeline why the friendship faded out, thus we naturally grew apart with an unsaid acceptance. All that's left is fond memories with that friend, hoping that they're doing great. That makes sense right?
Well this friend randomly stopped talking to me for more than a year now.
We would talk endlessly about interests we shared, we barely talked about ourselves as people, but we had many similar interests and sensibilities, it was uncanny at times to be mirrored naturally like that. I never talked so much to a person, he also talked my ear off like no other (in the best way possible!). I regard him as the bestest friend I ever made because the conversation we had couldnt be beat, a total fluke in my life. One of his last messages was about how he had a lot on his plate, the last message between us is mine, hoping he's doing well and that I miss him.
I was particularly suicidal when he approached me online and asked to be friends. I was very conflicted about befriending him, because it wouldve been contradicting my efforts to distance myself, not to mention insensitive to pursue, I face palm thinking about how easy it was for this person to tear down this principle I wanted to uphold
One of the first things he said was that he felt like he already knew me based on my posts (all i posted was my art and interests), I got the same sense from him, his art was brilliant and he had a really cool output in general, that sense of familiarity has been so rare in my life, and I really do scout for it, I regard myself as closed off, but im incessantly trying to search for a point of connection in people, 9.9/10 times its lead to feeling overwhelmingly alienated.
He lives in a different country, it was an established distance, so if I did end my life, the loss would not be as heavy. But it turned out between this friendship and being unsure about methods, i was less motivated to kill myself for 1/2 the year we talked, i don't designate that delay to be a good or bad thing particularly, but yeah, he had a big impact on me.
I feel frustrated that I'm even bent up about this. Not saying this is his reason but I find it so ironic, I wouldve done this very thing, cut off contact, if i were to fulfill my ideations, feels like karma, i really dont know what this guy is going through/what his reasons are, we never argued and we never made it weird, as in pursued something more than friends, i know hes alive at least because he's still actively online, honestly I'd be fine if he had just went on with his life one day, still it doesn't make sense how it left off, it seemed like we reciprocated such a strong bond, maybe I was wrong - maybe I should just be patient,
it haunts me a lot, i miss him a lot, as much as i am confused.
There've been 2 people that I got very close with, these friendships were held up strongly not just because we enjoyed eachothers company's so much, but because circumstantially it made sense. When it didnt make sense circumstantially (say, moving far away, finding other clicks), it was always very clear from the events on the timeline why the friendship faded out, thus we naturally grew apart with an unsaid acceptance. All that's left is fond memories with that friend, hoping that they're doing great. That makes sense right?
Well this friend randomly stopped talking to me for more than a year now.
We would talk endlessly about interests we shared, we barely talked about ourselves as people, but we had many similar interests and sensibilities, it was uncanny at times to be mirrored naturally like that. I never talked so much to a person, he also talked my ear off like no other (in the best way possible!). I regard him as the bestest friend I ever made because the conversation we had couldnt be beat, a total fluke in my life. One of his last messages was about how he had a lot on his plate, the last message between us is mine, hoping he's doing well and that I miss him.
I was particularly suicidal when he approached me online and asked to be friends. I was very conflicted about befriending him, because it wouldve been contradicting my efforts to distance myself, not to mention insensitive to pursue, I face palm thinking about how easy it was for this person to tear down this principle I wanted to uphold
One of the first things he said was that he felt like he already knew me based on my posts (all i posted was my art and interests), I got the same sense from him, his art was brilliant and he had a really cool output in general, that sense of familiarity has been so rare in my life, and I really do scout for it, I regard myself as closed off, but im incessantly trying to search for a point of connection in people, 9.9/10 times its lead to feeling overwhelmingly alienated.He lives in a different country, it was an established distance, so if I did end my life, the loss would not be as heavy. But it turned out between this friendship and being unsure about methods, i was less motivated to kill myself for 1/2 the year we talked, i don't designate that delay to be a good or bad thing particularly, but yeah, he had a big impact on me.
I feel frustrated that I'm even bent up about this. Not saying this is his reason but I find it so ironic, I wouldve done this very thing, cut off contact, if i were to fulfill my ideations, feels like karma, i really dont know what this guy is going through/what his reasons are, we never argued and we never made it weird, as in pursued something more than friends, i know hes alive at least because he's still actively online, honestly I'd be fine if he had just went on with his life one day, still it doesn't make sense how it left off, it seemed like we reciprocated such a strong bond, maybe I was wrong - maybe I should just be patient,
it haunts me a lot, i miss him a lot, as much as i am confused.
