beetle
Member
- Mar 28, 2024
- 25
She jumped yesterday morning (sometime during sunrise) at her girlfriend's apartment. She was 22. Said she made up her mind over a month ago.
It feels especially weird in the perspective of someone that is suicidal/depressed. I can recognize how much she was struggling, and I hope she's at peace and finally in a comfortable place. She was trans, and her parents were vile in the way they've treated her about it. Even now they misgender her. She wrote in her letter how she would die a boy and it was the most gut-wrenching part of it honestly. There were other issues in her life, but not having that parental support and them vilifying her transition like that really broke her.
I talked about CTB with her (and other mental health things), but I never anticipated she would actually commit to something like this. Hell, two weeks ago she asked me about antidepressants and her considering switching medication. I was telling her about trying counselling/therapy and trying to get her to connect with services at her university. I thought she was trying her best to push through. It hurts like hell knowing she had a whole life ahead of her; one that everyone thought she would be a part of. She was going to be one of my friend's bridesmaids and I always figured she'd be one at mine as well. We've both always been pro-recovery and I really thought the both of us had the opportunity to grow and become happier people. It fucking sucks knowing she'll never reach to the potential she would have reached if she stayed. But I can't expect her to suffer; she made her decision and all I can do is give her a peaceful send-off.
I've spent yesterday and today with my partner and our friends. It's hard. Not sure if I've fully grasped the reality of it yet. Grief really does come in waves. Sounds so fucking cliche but it's true. We all shared photos/videos we had together/of her and her younger sister (still in high school btw, I can only imagine) is setting up a slideshow. Not sure when the funeral will be. We are trying our best to celebrate her life as much as possible and gather as many memories of her as we can.
It's typical to say you wish you could have done more and it's something I wonder too. We didn't talk as much about mental health in the last few months, and when we did it was typically very unserious. I wish I could have been more open to her and she felt comfortable enough to open up to me about her struggles. I wish I was a better friend and gave her more support and time, or watched more of the TV shows she liked or played more games together. At the same time I wonder if it matters and if what I did would have made a difference at all. I know there's no point in worrying about this kind of shit but I just wish I could have been more of a support for her and at least have not made her feel so alone. I fucking hate that I've been a bad friend to her.
But yeah, it's really hard. I remember standing on my partner's balcony at 3AM 2 years ago going to do it. Everything feels so fucking heavy with all those thoughts. And the fact that she was scared of heights makes it even worse. I hope she wasn't scared.
I don't really know what I've been feeling or how to to talk about any of this. I've written and deleted and moved around a lot of sentences. I hope this isn't an incoherent mess. But I wanted to at least talk about it a little bit into the kind-of void in a community that doesn't feel uncomfortable talking about suicide.
I hope if you're reading this that you know there is someone out there who really cares about you and wants you to keep fighting. If you say no one does, I care. CTB does not have to be the only solution. You can get better and you have nothing but a beautiful life ahead of you. Please keep doing your best and don't be afraid to get help if you're struggling with anything.
It feels especially weird in the perspective of someone that is suicidal/depressed. I can recognize how much she was struggling, and I hope she's at peace and finally in a comfortable place. She was trans, and her parents were vile in the way they've treated her about it. Even now they misgender her. She wrote in her letter how she would die a boy and it was the most gut-wrenching part of it honestly. There were other issues in her life, but not having that parental support and them vilifying her transition like that really broke her.
I talked about CTB with her (and other mental health things), but I never anticipated she would actually commit to something like this. Hell, two weeks ago she asked me about antidepressants and her considering switching medication. I was telling her about trying counselling/therapy and trying to get her to connect with services at her university. I thought she was trying her best to push through. It hurts like hell knowing she had a whole life ahead of her; one that everyone thought she would be a part of. She was going to be one of my friend's bridesmaids and I always figured she'd be one at mine as well. We've both always been pro-recovery and I really thought the both of us had the opportunity to grow and become happier people. It fucking sucks knowing she'll never reach to the potential she would have reached if she stayed. But I can't expect her to suffer; she made her decision and all I can do is give her a peaceful send-off.
I've spent yesterday and today with my partner and our friends. It's hard. Not sure if I've fully grasped the reality of it yet. Grief really does come in waves. Sounds so fucking cliche but it's true. We all shared photos/videos we had together/of her and her younger sister (still in high school btw, I can only imagine) is setting up a slideshow. Not sure when the funeral will be. We are trying our best to celebrate her life as much as possible and gather as many memories of her as we can.
It's typical to say you wish you could have done more and it's something I wonder too. We didn't talk as much about mental health in the last few months, and when we did it was typically very unserious. I wish I could have been more open to her and she felt comfortable enough to open up to me about her struggles. I wish I was a better friend and gave her more support and time, or watched more of the TV shows she liked or played more games together. At the same time I wonder if it matters and if what I did would have made a difference at all. I know there's no point in worrying about this kind of shit but I just wish I could have been more of a support for her and at least have not made her feel so alone. I fucking hate that I've been a bad friend to her.
But yeah, it's really hard. I remember standing on my partner's balcony at 3AM 2 years ago going to do it. Everything feels so fucking heavy with all those thoughts. And the fact that she was scared of heights makes it even worse. I hope she wasn't scared.
I don't really know what I've been feeling or how to to talk about any of this. I've written and deleted and moved around a lot of sentences. I hope this isn't an incoherent mess. But I wanted to at least talk about it a little bit into the kind-of void in a community that doesn't feel uncomfortable talking about suicide.
I hope if you're reading this that you know there is someone out there who really cares about you and wants you to keep fighting. If you say no one does, I care. CTB does not have to be the only solution. You can get better and you have nothing but a beautiful life ahead of you. Please keep doing your best and don't be afraid to get help if you're struggling with anything.
