Venting My friend commited suicide

[whereismymind?]

I've known her for about 5 years. We met at the psych ward when I was turning 15, she was a year or two older than me. We were both really young and had some problems, so we connected pretty well. I started liking her and a few months later we got into a relationship. It lasted for about three months, so nothing that serious. But in our teenage minds it was serious and we were so connected and really cared about eachother.

Anyways, we started taking pills together, and eventually moved onto harder drugs. We kindof drifted apart for a bit, both still doing drugs with our own friends, but were still in contact. Everytime i'd see her i felt the connection. We both cared about eachother so much. After some time i calmed down with the drugs, still using ocasionaly but i was still smoking weed and taking pills....on the other hand she never stopped, even when she tried she would relapse pretty quick. Drugs changed her so bad. It wasn't the same person.

We drifted apart even more. She'd only call me if she needed something, or dealers number, and it annoyed me and only pushed me away. She was always in and out of the psych ward. When we were younger we were both suicidal, but that changed.

I remember she was doing so much better even with her addiction. She was talking about how she actually wants to live, and experience life and it really was genuine. That was about a year ago, and she did have ups and downs but her mentality changed and she wasn't thinking about suicide, for some time.

Well about a month ago she told me she was doing really bad, and i thought "okay she is calling me to ask for drugs again" so i was irritated and just replied "i'm sorry to hear that". I tried to help her so many times, for such a long time.

So yes, her constant circle of self destruction started irritating me. I went out of my way to help her only for her to continue with her shit.

The next day she sent me a voicemail, it was so creepy. Like she was in a tunnel or something. She said that she can't do this anymore, that she loves me and always will, and not to blame myself. It's not the first time she has done this, so i tried to be calm and replied to her but she turned off her phone. I called her mom, she also got a voicemail, and she gave up as well. "It's her own path of self destruction and I don't know what to do anymore."

At the end of a day, I got the news. She killed herself. I still don't know how.
How the fuck am I supposed to continue living life like a normal person after this?
After everything we've been through, how am i supposed to go on? I'm not suicidal anymore, but i don't fucking know what to do. The worst part is, I know this was just a bad decision. She had BPD and had a bad period in her life. And she made a decision that will stick with her poor mother, myself and anyone who cared for her for the rest of our fucking lives.

Even worst part is, she was such an unique person... so openminded and caring. Even while being an addict. Anytime I'd see her and talk to her I'd feel how much she cared about me and how protective she was of me. And i lost that. I'll never feel that from her. I'll never hear her laugh and hear her jokes again.

We will never talk about god and about spirituality...her mom said that at least she is in peace now, without the chaos in her head...but it doesn't help me. I know she'd be able to get better. She already has been there. She had a difficult period in her life, and she could've gotten better. She had the streinght. What came over her?
Honestly I can't listen to anyone justifiying her actions, what i'm wondering is,
How do I continue, and feel better?

 

[golta]

The only way to feel better is to accept It, and keep going.Its going to be dificult and the pain will never leave but you will learn to live with it

 

[LaughingGoat]

I will respect your request to not "justify" her decision, but you still have to acknowledge that it was her decision to make. Whether anyone external to her judges it as a bad decision, it was her judgement and thoughts on the matter which are relevant. The core of all acceptance in life is understanding what you can and cannot control in life. This is the epitome of that, it was her life to live or not live. All you can do at this point is accept it wasn't in anyone's control but her.

 

[unabletocope]

sounds like you did what you could and something wasn't really coming back. what you had seems quite real but it clearly changed into something that you struggled to recognise, struggled to hold together and it wasn't coming back to you. it seems pretty brutal and terrible and i'm sorry that things went wrong for you in this way, sounds like you were struggling anyway and you have this person on top of that. i don't know if you're in a position to keep going but i do hope you get to a place where you can keep going, i am suicidal myself and i think your story reinforces how significant doing something like this really is, never be reckless with something like this. best wishes, peace be with you through this.

 

[Ash]

I'm really sorry to hear about the death of your friend. I know from past and recent losses how much that hurts, especially when it feels as though there's something you should have been and to do. I daresay you would have been feeling similar if it was an accidental drugs overdose or reckless behaviour whilst high. And I hope that eventually you will be able to let go of the guilt and anguish in the same way that you would if it was a "death by misadventure". Or indeed, an accident or illness or anything else.

You get through this the way you've got through every day since coming off the ward: one step, one hour at a time. And gradually you'll share the joy and warmth that she brought to you with others, and that the circle continues.

In the meantime, you get support from those around you, family and friends and professionally. And you give yourself time and space to grieve. And you understand that it's not linear, that you go back and forth. That you can't do it alone and you don't have to. And that it wasn't your decision to make and it wasn't your responsibility and that you can be angry at her and love her at the same time and both can be true. And both are ok. And that one day you'll catch yourself laughing at something and then you'll feel guilty and that's ok, too. One day there will be room for them, again, too.

 

[zjay-0v3rit!]

Everyone is on their own journey... im sorry for your loss. I did drugs too when i was young and it let me to very dark places. Some people say "one addict dies so another can recover" and personally i hate hearing that so take it fwiw. I agree your friend is at peace now, i hope you find comfort in thinking the same.

 

[Guy089001]

"her shit" says it all, you ask me. People need to stop putting others beneath them until they're several feet into the ground. You had no idea what she was going through to be phoning asking for drugs in the first place but "her shit" is convenient enough isn't it.

 

[Hotsackage]

Sorry for your loss.

 

[whiteboyswithars]

Lost my best friend to suicide as-well. Really fuckin sucks. I am not over it and I don't think I ever will be, it feels like a torture to me. I don't know though, some days are good, some days are bad. Sometimes the thought of it will feel like hell, sometimes you're at peace with the fact that they're at peace. Nothing you can really do to "fix" the feeling. Stay strong, you got it. If I can deal with it, so can you

 

[MM's the name]

Sorry about your friend, sad to see her go every person is unique and so was she. Just don't forget about her, a person lives as long as they are remembered.
Keep going friend.