Venting My flatmate and best friend is in love

[5nicotine]

I have avoidant personality disorder and have a very hard time getting to trust people. I moved in with my current flatmate in autumn 2022 and through a lot of experience and convincing I've finally started to understand that she probably doesn't hate me. She actually likes me as a friend and considers me an essential part of her life. I still have moments, lots of them, where I have delusions about this not being true. Every single negative word or expression from her or any mistake I make, no matter how small, makes me spiral out of control inside my mind. Anyway, things have been getting better and I finally have a relationship where I sometimes feel liked and even loved. She's my only friend.

However last autumn she got into a relationship with a guy. She immediately started talking about how incredible he is and it just hasn't stopped. For a while now she's been talking about how she's in love with him. When this started happening a few months ago my SI started spiraling out of control and I started seriously preparing. I knew I wouldn't be able to face her moving out even if it wouldn't be for a while. I felt I just had to make sure I would be out by then and the best time would be immediately.

I ended up getting back on meds because I couldn't say no to my psychiatrist and therapist. The SI about this got less intrusive and I found other things to be suicidal about. I've been off the meds for a month or so now and mostly just been depressed and anxious without too much SI.

However we had a NYE party and I finally saw the two of them cuddling and showing PDA. I couldn't take it and kept escaping to my room throughout the party. Eventually it got so bad that she had to give me a benzo so I could calm down and take part in the UG dance party we were going to afterwards. It helped and I don't even remember how much closeness they showed after that.

The next day she left to go stay at his place. I was fine with her staying there for two nights. That's been normal. The third night was fine as well. I have a small surgery today and I thought she'd finally come home and we could go to the sauna together since I won't be able to for the next month. I asked her and she said she'd be staying there.

I just can't take it. It's just going to get worse like this. She's going to be staying there for longer and longer and I'll be more and more alone. I don't think her moving out is going to happen soon, but it's going to happen and I just can't get it out of my head. I've been spending the last few days here refining my plan for CBT and I think I'm going to have to execute it soon.

I'm going to the sauna now and I can't even get fucked up with alcohol because of the surgery tomorrow.

At least tomorrow she'll come pick me up from the surgery and stay home for the night making sure I don't die. I'm selfishly happy about that, but I feel guilty that she can't just stay there forever like she wants to.

 

[Worndown]

This is a normal part of her life.
You eloquently described the issues you face and how this situation impacts you.
Can you use this knowledge and work toward mitigating the impact on you? Therapy...medications?
She will probably move in with him at some point. Can you prepare for this in advance?
Finding stability for you is most important. Retaining her friendship is important too. It will just be different.

 

[figurehead]

She seems to be a really lovely person, who cares about you a lot, so I'm not surprised you're afraid or losing her. You shouldn't 'pathologise' your fear though ( that's what ì always tell myself, so yes easier said than done). I'm pretty sure she'll/d understand what you're going through. Acceptance is a shit thing but you'll need a bit of that, I reckon. Not acceptance of not having her by your side as the best friend she is, but of change, that is also allowing her the change (ie. be in love) that she so desires. Sorry I'm rambling, but I hope I made some sense.