sash
f/uk seeking partner to vanish with
- Oct 1, 2023
- 203
Hi.. I been thinking about the 'why aint you done it yet?' thread. I didnt really know, thought I had ideas but I popped onto the partners megathread last night, scrolling saw mine. I read that and one line made me sit up. Yep that is the only reason I'm still here. (had 2 failed impulsive attempts while on anti-ds) There is no way I could stand my family knowing , Ive have no contact with them for 6+yrs now except I'm stuck atm with the last one & he's bad. Did break contact for 2 yrs but he pulled me back in. They would milk sympathy and say cruel stuff. They have no right.
I have a rule, if ur not in my life you have no right to know personal info about me. Except on this site :) Goes both ways too for me. My family and those around them have no right to talk about me. I dont talk about my fam irl, but clearly I will on here even tho it goes against my rule.. See my mum had a succession of alcoholic DV (mum & me) men we moved in w one then when it went so bad she found another to move in with. 22 in my 16 years, then I left home.
Those partners were adored by all, funny etc, great bloke. Then behind closed doors so awful. My mum wired my brain that when someone is out of our life, they dont exist. I wasnt allowed to mention the previouses. or I'd get 'walloped from here to kingdom come' she loved that phrase, & doing it.. She screamed that at me once cos her bloke at the time touched me in a no-no place in front of her, apparently it was my fault, I made him do it -I was watching telly, he reached to me- so she flew at me. A few times I would be put on chair/sofa & she would stand like a vulture right over me cruel words for 1-2 hours til she got fed up then few wallops to my head, grabbed and thrown up off it. then sent to my room. which I was glad. Her preferred method= saying cruel shit as being walloped.
Loads more stuff but u get the idea, oh I found out later in life she'd done a hatchet job w the whole fam as a kid telling em I was out of control n she dont know how she copes etc, I'm violent, liar, the worst child ever etc.
Yes I lie, I wasnt allowed to talk about behind closed doors stuff, had to appear happy family life outside. Thats lying to ppl.
Yes I was violent after one of em beat her n threw her down the stairs, I came outta my room, he was looking down at her crumpled body laughing!!!!! I shoved him, never done that before, he went down hard, she fast moved outta way. He got up (alcoholics, f***ing bounced), shouted at me a bit, went out. She looked up the stairs at me, she came up towards me furious w me she didnt even have to say it, I paid for what I done.
Am I wrong looking back that it shoulda been a hug? Other than that I was submissive, head down, be happy, dont react. Yeah I did have moments of slamming doors, mouthing back -wallop- etc but looking back, its no effing wonder..
Sorry bit heavy. Tend to waffle when I start. Lighter now.
When I got to the age that I realised my childhood wasnt normal, late 20's, as you all know yr brain starts to see things and wonder a bit, more & more as time goes on about things, behaviour you have now cos of past. I always had male friends, jus couldnt find a female I could real connect with. Always wondered why men only as they were the worst of the bad past. Please understand I am NOT saying 'all men', but all that I have known or met have 2 faces, except for the two good (I realised years too late) ones I threw away cos they werent cruel/violent to me so I thought they didnt care enuf so byeee.
Women? Its taken me this long to realise. She was sposed to be my protector. Not my abuser. It means more that shes my mum, thats her job. A woman -my mum- has done the worst damage to me, it took me a long time to admit it to myself. I dont trust women. All the women in fam degrees of cruel. Wish I could meet a genuine good'un briefly. A good anyone. Even a good alien.
I'll stop now. If you got this far 'Thanks for reading'
The last one of fam, if I left with a believable 'new life byee' reason would not contact authorities if he didnt hear from me. I have a plan to walk away. If you have any ideas how not to be found after ctb -I cant climb a mountain-, please help me. Please.
for those who want one 
for those that 
Be kind.
I have a rule, if ur not in my life you have no right to know personal info about me. Except on this site :) Goes both ways too for me. My family and those around them have no right to talk about me. I dont talk about my fam irl, but clearly I will on here even tho it goes against my rule.. See my mum had a succession of alcoholic DV (mum & me) men we moved in w one then when it went so bad she found another to move in with. 22 in my 16 years, then I left home.
Those partners were adored by all, funny etc, great bloke. Then behind closed doors so awful. My mum wired my brain that when someone is out of our life, they dont exist. I wasnt allowed to mention the previouses. or I'd get 'walloped from here to kingdom come' she loved that phrase, & doing it.. She screamed that at me once cos her bloke at the time touched me in a no-no place in front of her, apparently it was my fault, I made him do it -I was watching telly, he reached to me- so she flew at me. A few times I would be put on chair/sofa & she would stand like a vulture right over me cruel words for 1-2 hours til she got fed up then few wallops to my head, grabbed and thrown up off it. then sent to my room. which I was glad. Her preferred method= saying cruel shit as being walloped.
Loads more stuff but u get the idea, oh I found out later in life she'd done a hatchet job w the whole fam as a kid telling em I was out of control n she dont know how she copes etc, I'm violent, liar, the worst child ever etc.
Yes I lie, I wasnt allowed to talk about behind closed doors stuff, had to appear happy family life outside. Thats lying to ppl.
Yes I was violent after one of em beat her n threw her down the stairs, I came outta my room, he was looking down at her crumpled body laughing!!!!! I shoved him, never done that before, he went down hard, she fast moved outta way. He got up (alcoholics, f***ing bounced), shouted at me a bit, went out. She looked up the stairs at me, she came up towards me furious w me she didnt even have to say it, I paid for what I done.
Am I wrong looking back that it shoulda been a hug? Other than that I was submissive, head down, be happy, dont react. Yeah I did have moments of slamming doors, mouthing back -wallop- etc but looking back, its no effing wonder..
Sorry bit heavy. Tend to waffle when I start. Lighter now.
When I got to the age that I realised my childhood wasnt normal, late 20's, as you all know yr brain starts to see things and wonder a bit, more & more as time goes on about things, behaviour you have now cos of past. I always had male friends, jus couldnt find a female I could real connect with. Always wondered why men only as they were the worst of the bad past. Please understand I am NOT saying 'all men', but all that I have known or met have 2 faces, except for the two good (I realised years too late) ones I threw away cos they werent cruel/violent to me so I thought they didnt care enuf so byeee.
Women? Its taken me this long to realise. She was sposed to be my protector. Not my abuser. It means more that shes my mum, thats her job. A woman -my mum- has done the worst damage to me, it took me a long time to admit it to myself. I dont trust women. All the women in fam degrees of cruel. Wish I could meet a genuine good'un briefly. A good anyone. Even a good alien.
I'll stop now. If you got this far 'Thanks for reading'
The last one of fam, if I left with a believable 'new life byee' reason would not contact authorities if he didnt hear from me. I have a plan to walk away. If you have any ideas how not to be found after ctb -I cant climb a mountain-, please help me. Please.
for those who want one for those that Be kind.
