My first post

[mlmc045]

I greet you all with peace. I've been browsing for a while, and I think this community is so wonderful. I'm not sure how long I'll stick around. I almost attempted a couple of weeks ago. Had a meticulous plan, picked my outfit, wrote my notes, sorted out my finances, ordered my nearest and dearest goodbye presents, and THEN that evening a good friend randomly said she was coming to visit in a few days time, so I had to put my plans on hold. She came, we had a lovely time, and now she's gone. She knows I attempted before (but it wasn't very well thought out). While she was here, I briefly felt a desire to fight harder, to try to live for myself rather than just the people around me, or live for them until I find the will to live for real. It disrupted the calmness I felt about departing, but it's coming back. I have a beautiful life and I am so loved, I didn't expect to make it this far and while my future looks bright, I just don't want any of it. Existence isn't for everyone and I'm glad to be around people who might understand. Thank you for reading, sending love and light

 

[self.destractive]

i wish you a warm welcome, im so sorry youve come to this point

 

[mlmc045]

i wish you a warm welcome, im so sorry youve come to this point

That's so sweet of you, thank you. The same to you. I've felt suicidal for over a decade now (I'm 23) but it was mostly passive. It's a bit scary when it becomes so active but I also feel a lot calmer. I have to trust the people that care about me can forgive me and accept that it wasn't fair to make me hold on for them (which sounds selfish of me).

 

[self.destractive]

That's so sweet of you, thank you. The same to you. I've felt suicidal for over a decade now (I'm 23) but it was mostly passive. It's a bit scary when it becomes so active but I also feel a lot calmer. I have to trust the people that care about me can forgive me and accept that it wasn't fair to make me hold on for them (which sounds selfish of me).

thats an awful long time to feel this way

overcoming feelings of potential selfishness is whats mainly holding me back, i can completely relate. though, i feel as though if someone should choose to remain in the living world, it should be purely on their own terms.
you aren't selfish for wanting this to go away, please remember that

 

[justanotherstar]

Hi there, welcome to SS, I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry life has been so painful for you. I relate to a lot of what you said. We have to live for ourselves because no matter how loves we are we often still want to CTB, it's hard. There are many a fellow traveller here who will understand and I hope that you find what your looking for here :-)

 

[mlmc045]

Hi there, welcome to SS, I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry life has been so painful for you. I relate to a lot of what you said. We have to live for ourselves because no matter how loves we are we often still want to CTB, it's hard. There are many a fellow traveller here who will understand and I hope that you find what your looking for here :-)

Thank you for your kind words

 

[Despondent]

Welcome

 

[mlmc045]

Welcome

Thank you!

 

[oneanonymous]

Welcome. This started at such a young age for you, I'm so sorry. I too have been miserable for over a decade now but I'm 33. I really wish things could be different for you. For all of us. I hope you finally peace, in whatever form that comes in. Do you know when you're going to try again?

 

[mlmc045]

Welcome. This started at such a young age for you, I'm so sorry. I too have been miserable for over a decade now but I'm 33. I really wish things could be different for you. For all of us. I hope you finally peace, in whatever form that comes in. Do you know when you're going to try again?

Thank you for your message and I wish the same for you. I haven't decided on a date yet. I was so sure about when I previously planned and now I'm a bit thrown off at the moment. Do you have a date?

 

[oneanonymous]

Thank you for your message and I wish the same for you. I haven't decided on a date yet. I was so sure about when I previously planned and now I'm a bit thrown off at the moment. Do you have a date?

I don't. I have attempted four times in the past, but don't currently have a set date and at this point, I'm not going to any time soon. I'm in a better place than I was, though still not great, and I'm currently able to wait it out so that's what I'm working on.. just being well enough to wait longer. I wish you the best.

 

[mlmc045]

I don't. I have attempted four times in the past, but don't currently have a set date and at this point, I'm not going to any time soon. I'm in a better place than I was, though still not great, and I'm currently able to wait it out so that's what I'm working on.. just being well enough to wait longer. I wish you the best.

Sorry to hear things aren't great, but glad you're in better place. Wishing you good health and happiness

 

[Ghost2211]

Hello, welcome to the group. I hope you enjoy your time here with us.

 

[mlmc045]

Hello, welcome to the group. I hope you enjoy your time here with us.

Thank you, I appreciate that

 

[profoundexperience]

I greet you all with peace. ...
Thank you for reading, sending love and light

I like your style! Warm welcome!!

While she was here, I briefly felt a desire to fight harder, to try to live for myself rather than just the people around me, or live for them until I find the will to live for real.

Being around people seems to do that to me too. Though in a way it also feels "fake": Like I'm being sucked back in to something disingenuous... something untrue. Is the average/normal human life mere triviality and us all locked-in to mutual obligations... like some kind of multi-level-marketing scheme?

I'm not saying that of your friend of course, just my experience of this...

while my future looks bright, I just don't want any of it. Existence isn't for everyone and I'm glad to be around people who might understand.

I agree. If you can, could you please say more about your views on existence? I'm interested...

I have to trust the people that care about me can forgive me and accept that it wasn't fair to make me hold on for them (which sounds selfish of me).

For me this has been very tricky as well. Of course there's the observation that others forcing us to stay in existence -- for their benefit -- is them being selfish first. And, I believe that, since no benefits can be applied to a nonexistent being... our parents were profoundly selfish in forcing us into life to begin with.

But can "two selfishnesses" cancel out? Something doesn't seem right about that either. Still struggling with my selfishness....

Anyway warm welcomes @princessbean97!!

 

[muffin222]

Welcome to the forum I'm so sorry we've had to meet under these circumstances, but I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for on here

 

[mlmc045]

Welcome to the forum I'm so sorry we've had to meet under these circumstances, but I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for on here

Thank you so much, likewise!

I like your style! Warm welcome!!

Being around people seems to do that to me too. Though in a way it also feels "fake": Like I'm being sucked back in to something disingenuous... something untrue. Is the average/normal human life mere triviality and us all locked-in to mutual obligations... like some kind of multi-level-marketing scheme?

I'm not saying that of your friend of course, just my experience of this...

I agree. If you can, could you please say more about your views on existence? I'm interested...

For me this has been very tricky as well. Of course there's the observation that others forcing us to stay in existence -- for their benefit -- is them being selfish first. And, I believe that, since no benefits can be applied to a nonexistent being... our parents were profoundly selfish in forcing us into life to begin with.

But can "two selfishnesses" cancel out? Something doesn't seem right about that either. Still struggling with my selfishness....

Anyway warm welcomes @princessbean97!!

I haven't quite figured out how to respond to the different parts separately but thank you for the welcome. It sounds really lame but being here feels like arriving home? Especially when my actual home feels so foreign because it's filled with strangers who do not understand me (although I know they love and care about me)

I hear you about feeling fake!! I get that we're social creatures, but it just feels like a distraction/guilt tripping mechanism from what I feel when I'm alone again (and also often around people to the point I've become very quiet because I don't know what will come out of my mouth because of the chaos and suicidal thoughts in my mind)

As for my views on existence, it's not very stable. I get why people say 'life is a gift' and 'it's a blessing to be alive'. Of course there are lots of amazing things to experience, and sometimes it's the little things that are the truly significant moments. However, I don't ever want children because I don't want to bring kids into existence (and I hate trying to explain this to people because they just DO NOT UNDERSTAND). It's not even because of the state of the world, which is a factor, but more so that I have wished I didn't exist for so long, so why potentially impose that on another being when I could have avoided that by not having them?? No one asked to be born, and it feels cruel to make people live if they don't want to. I constantly live in a state of existential dread, but it also feels peaceful.

I think a lot of people stick around to not be selfish, which is unfair in itself

I hope you have a wonderful day! Xx