This is my first post on the website, and a few minutes ago I bought SN. It will arrive about 1–2 days. I am about to CTB soon.
I want to write this to recap my entire life, share my history. Maybe not the toughest that you have heard of. Sometimes it's hard to find a reason why things happen. Among them, depression.
I want to start from the moment my life took a 180-degree turn 5 years ago, the moment I started to die from inside. Came without warning like a car running over you, suddenly, from being the happiest person in the world, I began to distance myself from people, from my friends, from my family. Everything seemed unreal to me, I felt like I was in someone else's body. I began to lose pleasure in the things I liked most, and most importantly the piano, for me, my true life partner, the one who feeds me now and fed my soul. Thoughts about CTB started coming to me all the time from that day until today.
I was 16 at the time and physical changes began to occur in my body. My hair began to fall out due to the constant stress caused by depression, to the point that I had to shave my head. My movements began to slow down. I was starting to have a hard time concentrating on multiple things at once, and my memory just shut down. Among other things, my creativity seemed to fade. How was it possible? Something so rooted in the soul, so important and with so many vital functions for the human being, had disappeared from me.
I tried to cut myself with the razor, I failed because I couldn't stand the blood. My mother unfortunately found it in the trash, and they took me to an internship psychologist. Obviously, it didn't last long, not because of him, but because you're supposed to be the one who has to try to cure yourself, an impossible mission for me. It wasn't months before I had the courage to make an appointment with a social welfare psychiatrist. At first, I felt hopeful. Was I on the right path? Unfortunately, the pills he prescribed me for 2 years only made me an even more empty person inside. I no longer cried, I couldn't cry, in fact I was beginning to become a monstrous being. Without being able to show any feelings for anything, people didn't understand what could happen to me, and that distanced me even further from my loved ones. And to make it even more difficult, they reported it to my health record, making visits to the doctor uncomfortable and unpleasant, with an aroma of disdain and disregard for everything I tried to say.
When I stopped taking pills, I realized that it was not the right thing to do, not at that time or in that way. Maybe I needed to try more therapy? Luckily, I found my current psychologist a year ago. She was, and she is the person I needed to organize my mind to deal with the origin of my depression. Unfortunately, I have not yet been able to find out the origin, and I am not interested either. The answer was given to me by my psychiatrist years before: pills. They diagnosed me with Major Depression for not calling it chronic. The only solution they give me is to turn off my person, to be the robot that I don't want to be.
And the only thing I want is to rest in peace, to be able to sleep forever. Stop the pain.
I'm not sure if I will be able to deal with SI. But I will try to do the fast SN since it is lighter for me. While I'm waiting for the package, I'm thinking of ways to CTB without my social circle noticing it, since they don't deserve all this, but it's very complicated, and I'm not sure if they will find peace with that option. So I hope they can forgive me, so I can rest in peace.
And I also want to thank the site and the community for being able to give the opportunity to share all this.
Peace.
Joan.
I want to write this to recap my entire life, share my history. Maybe not the toughest that you have heard of. Sometimes it's hard to find a reason why things happen. Among them, depression.
I want to start from the moment my life took a 180-degree turn 5 years ago, the moment I started to die from inside. Came without warning like a car running over you, suddenly, from being the happiest person in the world, I began to distance myself from people, from my friends, from my family. Everything seemed unreal to me, I felt like I was in someone else's body. I began to lose pleasure in the things I liked most, and most importantly the piano, for me, my true life partner, the one who feeds me now and fed my soul. Thoughts about CTB started coming to me all the time from that day until today.
I was 16 at the time and physical changes began to occur in my body. My hair began to fall out due to the constant stress caused by depression, to the point that I had to shave my head. My movements began to slow down. I was starting to have a hard time concentrating on multiple things at once, and my memory just shut down. Among other things, my creativity seemed to fade. How was it possible? Something so rooted in the soul, so important and with so many vital functions for the human being, had disappeared from me.
I tried to cut myself with the razor, I failed because I couldn't stand the blood. My mother unfortunately found it in the trash, and they took me to an internship psychologist. Obviously, it didn't last long, not because of him, but because you're supposed to be the one who has to try to cure yourself, an impossible mission for me. It wasn't months before I had the courage to make an appointment with a social welfare psychiatrist. At first, I felt hopeful. Was I on the right path? Unfortunately, the pills he prescribed me for 2 years only made me an even more empty person inside. I no longer cried, I couldn't cry, in fact I was beginning to become a monstrous being. Without being able to show any feelings for anything, people didn't understand what could happen to me, and that distanced me even further from my loved ones. And to make it even more difficult, they reported it to my health record, making visits to the doctor uncomfortable and unpleasant, with an aroma of disdain and disregard for everything I tried to say.
When I stopped taking pills, I realized that it was not the right thing to do, not at that time or in that way. Maybe I needed to try more therapy? Luckily, I found my current psychologist a year ago. She was, and she is the person I needed to organize my mind to deal with the origin of my depression. Unfortunately, I have not yet been able to find out the origin, and I am not interested either. The answer was given to me by my psychiatrist years before: pills. They diagnosed me with Major Depression for not calling it chronic. The only solution they give me is to turn off my person, to be the robot that I don't want to be.
And the only thing I want is to rest in peace, to be able to sleep forever. Stop the pain.
I'm not sure if I will be able to deal with SI. But I will try to do the fast SN since it is lighter for me. While I'm waiting for the package, I'm thinking of ways to CTB without my social circle noticing it, since they don't deserve all this, but it's very complicated, and I'm not sure if they will find peace with that option. So I hope they can forgive me, so I can rest in peace.
And I also want to thank the site and the community for being able to give the opportunity to share all this.
Peace.
Joan.
