Charlie-Bravo
Member
- May 30, 2023
- 83
I checked into the hotel that I booked weeks ago, feeling strangely excited and ready for ctb. I watched a couple of videos of my favorite Youtuber, prepared my will and notes and went out for my last meal. Back in my room I started to prepare for my actual ctb, which at the time was SBW.
Whats to prepare for in SBW, well I thought, how about some hyperventilation exercises to prepare myself. So I started, deep breaths in and out, as long as the song Future from Boris Brejcha(7-10min) played. And then I hold my breath to fall unconscious. Well, my dumb ass started walking around, while hyperventilating.
And so I successfully fainted, while STANDING in the middle of the room. Well I was unconscious for about 2 milliseconds when I heard a awful crack from my legs and Adrenalin rushes through my body. Turns out I fell, like a bag of potatoes, onto my right leg.
The next minutes where literary hell on earth, I was alone, crawling like a zombie, banging on the floor for help. But soundproof walls really work well, or nobody cared, probably both. Kinda glad nobody came then, you will see why. So after what felt like 2 hours, I thought about calling the reception for an ambulance. So I laid there waiting for them, ready to spill the beans to the medics, when they would eventually see my will and notes on the table, when suddenly my suicide instinct kicked in. I crawled to the table, grabbing the 2 pieces of paper and frantically putting them into my site-pockets.
So 3 medics came shortly after, gave me nice pain killers and obviously asked me how this happened. I told them I fell(like stumbled over the bed onto floor), they bought it. After the pain killer really kicked in I wanted to tell them everything, but always thought that the timing was shit. Like they talked with me about hotels, etc. and I couldn't just be like:"Oh by the way, I attempted suicide there, sorry I kinda lied". So long story short: My leg was so fucked up that surgery was necessary, spent like 1 week there.
Another interesting anecdote: While in hospital I was constantly on pain killers(morphine, etc.) which made things so much more bearable. Back then(probably thanks to painkillers) I wanted to tell my best friend, which also has depression, because of a traumatic event, what happened, like what I do right now. So we write a bit on whats-app and she casually asks how I broke my leg. So I though now is the time, at least one should know. But I wanted to phone her, so I video called her on Whats app: Well turns out, she was eating with a good friend at McDonald, so again I couldn't tell her without ruining her day with her friend. I think the World wanted to give me a sign there.
Whats to prepare for in SBW, well I thought, how about some hyperventilation exercises to prepare myself. So I started, deep breaths in and out, as long as the song Future from Boris Brejcha(7-10min) played. And then I hold my breath to fall unconscious. Well, my dumb ass started walking around, while hyperventilating.
And so I successfully fainted, while STANDING in the middle of the room. Well I was unconscious for about 2 milliseconds when I heard a awful crack from my legs and Adrenalin rushes through my body. Turns out I fell, like a bag of potatoes, onto my right leg.
The next minutes where literary hell on earth, I was alone, crawling like a zombie, banging on the floor for help. But soundproof walls really work well, or nobody cared, probably both. Kinda glad nobody came then, you will see why. So after what felt like 2 hours, I thought about calling the reception for an ambulance. So I laid there waiting for them, ready to spill the beans to the medics, when they would eventually see my will and notes on the table, when suddenly my suicide instinct kicked in. I crawled to the table, grabbing the 2 pieces of paper and frantically putting them into my site-pockets.
So 3 medics came shortly after, gave me nice pain killers and obviously asked me how this happened. I told them I fell(like stumbled over the bed onto floor), they bought it. After the pain killer really kicked in I wanted to tell them everything, but always thought that the timing was shit. Like they talked with me about hotels, etc. and I couldn't just be like:"Oh by the way, I attempted suicide there, sorry I kinda lied". So long story short: My leg was so fucked up that surgery was necessary, spent like 1 week there.
Another interesting anecdote: While in hospital I was constantly on pain killers(morphine, etc.) which made things so much more bearable. Back then(probably thanks to painkillers) I wanted to tell my best friend, which also has depression, because of a traumatic event, what happened, like what I do right now. So we write a bit on whats-app and she casually asks how I broke my leg. So I though now is the time, at least one should know. But I wanted to phone her, so I video called her on Whats app: Well turns out, she was eating with a good friend at McDonald, so again I couldn't tell her without ruining her day with her friend. I think the World wanted to give me a sign there.
