Venting My Final Straw

[Bunny Beanie]

I've been back and fourth with trying to convince myself that things may get better. But today my mind has been made up. I owe it to myself to finally put me first and I have officially decided that I'm 100% going to ctb on my birthday! I've stated in past threads that I would do it but I was also very back and fourth with the idea. I was hoping something good could save me. But we know how that story goes. My friends constantly disappoint me. I was there for my friend on Tuesday for an hour while they spouted the most triggering stuff but I could handle that so I had no problem being there for them. I care about their well being and did the most I could to craft perfect responses to talk them down from their destructive path. Today I vented to them briefly about how I feel like my friends just use me. They couldn't even TRY to be there for me. Two short sentences and with my last message they just emphasized it. Not even a response. My other friend constantly leave me on read and then when I do open his messages it's very short. Very whatever. Very obviously he needs me around to be his therapist but doesn't want me around bc he doesn't actually care for me he just likes the things I do for him. My friend of 7 years also has officially told me that they saw me as a sex object the entire time waiting for a chance to smash. How degrading. I even asked if they remembered my birthday. They couldn't recall my birthday or one thing about me. I realized at that moment that no one actually likes me. No one actually cares about me. No one asks me to hang out. No one asks me how I'm doing and actually wants to hear about how I'm doing. No one actually cares. And I'm not that type of person to go cold on people. Even when I know they are using me I'll always care for them and that's something I can never change no matter how hard I try. Realizing that I will never EVER come first in someone's life because I'm just the person who fills the void in people's lives until they don't need me anymore. I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted. And I'm not. Ever. So you know what? Fuck everything! You know what I want now? Peace. I want to ctb. Dreamt about this since I was a kid. It's about time I follow through with my plan and make it. My birthday isn't until the spring so I have tons of time to make sure I pick a successful method but unfortunately without a gun, everything's risky. I might drown myself but I know that's gonna be painful and scary. Idk I'm desperate but I wanted to share this fabulous news with all of you! I'm telling my "friends" I'm going on vacation on my birthday. They won't even care enough to ask about it or remember my birthday so it's perfect. I'm so excited and crying tears of joy that I have something to look forward to in less than a year and that is my peace in death. Thank you for listening! :)

 

[MrDarkness]

I feel ya, just got out of high school, thought I found the friends I needed, ditched me, never asked if I was okay, never invited me anywhere, always insulted me, I'm planning my ctb after my birthday, hopefully my sn will arrive, I don't wanna be here anymore

 

[just_a_guy]

I can relate to some of what you're saying. If I don't make an effort with people, I don't get much back from them and it's usually more one sided communication where I'm there to reassure them, listen to their problems and give them advice. In what month is your b-day? I'm in March (Autumn for me)

 

[IDoNotExist]

I know you've made up your mind and I support you. You are not me so you can't see the way I see the world. I'm fucked up, I know. I just want to stop existing. I wish my existence never occurred then at least I could get some peace.
I'm just saying that you're forgetting someone who has actually been with you through thick and thin and has stayed with you all this time, every single moment, from when you were born till every moment of your life. This person is in fact you yourself. There is always someone who values you and that person might as well be you yourself.
I used to get so affected by people whether they cared about me or not. When I realised that I was just wasting my time on such meaningless things and wasting whatever time I have left till I decide to kms (might as well waste my time on something that is more worth my time, like, gaming, watching anime, reading mangas/manhuas/manhwas, reading novels, writing fanfiction) I stopped caring, whatever their opinion of me does not concern me because their opinion is irrelevant to me. Always put yourself first above others, because you are the most important in your own life, just always remember that.
Idk what I'm saying rn but it's just the way I view this wretched world. I want to say more but I can't find the right words, forgive me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, it's really understandable just wanting peace from this existence.

 

[Bunny Beanie]

I know you've made up your mind and I support you. You are not me so you can't see the way I see the world. I'm fucked up, I know. I just want to stop existing. I wish my existence never occurred then at least I could get some peace.
I'm just saying that you're forgetting someone who has actually been with you through thick and thin and has stayed with you all this time, every single moment, from when you were born till every moment of your life. This person is in fact you yourself. There is always someone who values you and that person might as well be you yourself.
I used to get so affected by people whether they cared about me or not. When I realised that I was just wasting my time on such meaningless things and wasting whatever time I have left till I decide to kms (might as well waste my time on something that is more worth my time, like, gaming, watching anime, reading mangas/manhuas/manhwas, reading novels, writing fanfiction) I stopped caring, whatever their opinion of me does not concern me because their opinion is irrelevant to me. Always put yourself first above others, because you are the most important in your own life, just always remember that.
Idk what I'm saying rn but it's just the way I view this wretched world. I want to say more but I can't find the right words, forgive me.

This was really nice. I respect this. Thank you for it.

 

[achb]

Hey, I know this wasn't really your intention with this post, but if you ever reconsider your plans, I'm always here if you need a friend.

I struggle a lot with consistent communication (it's something my friends harp on me for often- understandably so). However, I will always respond to a message eventually. And I am always up to listen to someone's worries. Hours long discord calls are my specialty lol. I may not have the right words to console, but I try my best.

I am not anti-suicide, but if all that's needed is a good friend- new family, then I think it's a shame for someone to go before seeing if I'm a good fit. Just a thought, so no need to respond if you don't want to.

I'm always one dm away!

 

[chuerdhmproton]

I've been back and fourth with trying to convince myself that things may get better. But today my mind has been made up. I owe it to myself to finally put me first and I have officially decided that I'm 100% going to ctb on my birthday! I've stated in past threads that I would do it but I was also very back and fourth with the idea. I was hoping something good could save me. But we know how that story goes. My friends constantly disappoint me. I was there for my friend on Tuesday for an hour while they spouted the most triggering stuff but I could handle that so I had no problem being there for them. I care about their well being and did the most I could to craft perfect responses to talk them down from their destructive path. Today I vented to them briefly about how I feel like my friends just use me. They couldn't even TRY to be there for me. Two short sentences and with my last message they just emphasized it. Not even a response. My other friend constantly leave me on read and then when I do open his messages it's very short. Very whatever. Very obviously he needs me around to be his therapist but doesn't want me around bc he doesn't actually care for me he just likes the things I do for him. My friend of 7 years also has officially told me that they saw me as a sex object the entire time waiting for a chance to smash. How degrading. I even asked if they remembered my birthday. They couldn't recall my birthday or one thing about me. I realized at that moment that no one actually likes me. No one actually cares about me. No one asks me to hang out. No one asks me how I'm doing and actually wants to hear about how I'm doing. No one actually cares. And I'm not that type of person to go cold on people. Even when I know they are using me I'll always care for them and that's something I can never change no matter how hard I try. Realizing that I will never EVER come first in someone's life because I'm just the person who fills the void in people's lives until they don't need me anymore. I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted. And I'm not. Ever. So you know what? Fuck everything! You know what I want now? Peace. I want to ctb. Dreamt about this since I was a kid. It's about time I follow through with my plan and make it. My birthday isn't until the spring so I have tons of time to make sure I pick a successful method but unfortunately without a gun, everything's risky. I might drown myself but I know that's gonna be painful and scary. Idk I'm desperate but I wanted to share this fabulous news with all of you! I'm telling my "friends" I'm going on vacation on my birthday. They won't even care enough to ask about it or remember my birthday so it's perfect. I'm so excited and crying tears of joy that I have something to look forward to in less than a year and that is my peace in death. Thank you for listening! :)

I am also gonna ctb on my birthday, or the day before

 

[IDoNotExist]

This was really nice. I respect this. Thank you for it.

No problem! Happy to give some good words to people who deserve the happiness that this wretched world has forcefully taken from them. We are all suffering but forget that we're all on our own and we have ourselves. In my case, Might as well long to stop existing and quietly suffer - instead of suffering because of others' own childishness. Everyone has equal worth and annoys me like a fly when people don't realise it. Love yourself and if you ever think that no one is there by your side, remember that you have yourself.

All of us are worth nothing but everything at the same time. No being is unworthy or undeserving.