My final day

[JalanAtthirariAnni]

Today is the day when I am leaving. I just have to finish a letter to my brother, post it and then I will be on my way to the woodland to CTB.

I am very scared and it sucks that this journey have to be a lone one. But I have to do it today.

I wish you all the best, probably gonna update once I get to the woodland before I lose cell phone service and smash my phones to dust. I think that will help me a bit.

Thank you for reading

 

[Jadedmeursault9]

Why does it have to be today? What's going through your mind?

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed.

 

[JalanAtthirariAnni]

Why does it have to be today? What's going through your mind?

My life is a series of complete mistakes which ruined it. It's a lot of things that I messed up. Every decision I make puts me in worse position.
I met this perfect girl and we have been together for 2 years but I destroyed the relationship too and we broke up.
2 days ago (4months after break up) she called me to meet. We had great time and I had so much hope that I can get her back but I was too pushy. Tonight we'be been on movie marathon but I messed everything up. When I dropped her off it seemed she doesn't want to know me anymore.
I am done. Pain inside me is so bad that I have to stop it. I am scared as shit but I can't take it anymore, not a day longer.

Thank you for asking, you don't know how much I needed for somebody to just ask "how are you?".

 

[bambibambam]

i'm so sorry that life has treated you so badly. how are you feeling?

 

[Jadedmeursault9]

My life is a series of complete mistakes which ruined it. It's a lot of things that I messed up. Every decision I make puts me in worse position.
I met this perfect girl and we have been together for 2 years but I destroyed the relationship too and we broke up.
2 days ago (4months after break up) she called me to meet. We had great time and I had so much hope that I can get her back but I was too pushy. Tonight we'be been on movie marathon but I messed everything up. When I dropped her off it seemed she doesn't want to know me anymore.
I am done. Pain inside me is so bad that I have to stop it. I am scared as shit but I can't take it anymore, not a day longer.

Thank you for asking, you don't know how much I needed for somebody to just ask "how are you?".

I've been there, man.
It's gonna hurt. For a while. But, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Each day it's gonna hurt a little more. But eventually, each day it'll start to hurt a little less. All things must pass. And that includes what you're feeling now. It might not seem like it, but, nothing lasts forever. Even heartache.

If you care for this person, I think maybe you should want to prevent them from carrying guilt themselves. Maybe take a minute to just breathe. You wouldn't want this lady to go the rest of her life blaming herself for your troubles. That isn't fixing your issue but rather passing it along to someone else.

Besides, from the sounds of things you guys have been off and on, off and on for awhile. Who is to say this "off" is the final one? Maybe you two are just starcrossed. The alignment isn't right.

You don't snip the flower before it blooms. Be patient. You owe it to yourself to be patient.

 

[Despondent_Fondant]

I hope things take a turn for you. You sound like someone who has maybe made some mistakes, I can relate with that. But they dont define you. Are you doing any better? You got this <3

 

[JalanAtthirariAnni]

i'm so sorry that life has treated you so badly. how are you feeling?

life haven't treated me badly, I am just a fuck up who messed my own life. It's seems I don't learn from my mistakes.

Thank you for asking

I've been there, man.
It's gonna hurt. For a while. But, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Each day it's gonna hurt a little more. But eventually, each day it'll start to hurt a little less. All things must pass. And that includes what you're feeling now. It might not seem like it, but, nothing lasts forever. Even heartache.

If you care for this person, I think maybe you should want to prevent them from carrying guilt themselves. Maybe take a minute to just breathe. You wouldn't want this lady to go the rest of her life blaming herself for your troubles. That isn't fixing your issue but rather passing it along to someone else.

Besides, from the sounds of things you guys have been off and on, off and on for awhile. Who is to say this "off" is the final one? Maybe you two are just starcrossed. The alignment isn't right.

You don't snip the flower before it blooms. Be patient. You owe it to yourself to be patient.

Thank you for reply.

The thing is I can't contain it. I know that maybe in one year we would meet up but that year would be horrible pain. I am weak, I wish I was stronger and soldier through it like most of men do.
Her guilt is the only thing I am worried about, I am planning to tell my brother to do not let her know and ask my friends to keep it to themselves that I killed myself and since she won't be around my friends or family she probably won't find out. I am worried about but I can't live and wait for a passage of time to end me. I know I am being selfish but I just don't want to go on…

I hope things take a turn for you. You sound like someone who has maybe made some mistakes, I can relate with that. But they dont define you. Are you doing any better? You got this <3

We all make mistakes of course but it seems I've been making only mistakes, not a single good choice.
Thank you

I've been there, man.
It's gonna hurt. For a while. But, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Each day it's gonna hurt a little more. But eventually, each day it'll start to hurt a little less. All things must pass. And that includes what you're feeling now. It might not seem like it, but, nothing lasts forever. Even heartache.

If you care for this person, I think maybe you should want to prevent them from carrying guilt themselves. Maybe take a minute to just breathe. You wouldn't want this lady to go the rest of her life blaming herself for your troubles. That isn't fixing your issue but rather passing it along to someone else.

Besides, from the sounds of things you guys have been off and on, off and on for awhile. Who is to say this "off" is the final one? Maybe you two are just starcrossed. The alignment isn't right.

You don't snip the flower before it blooms. Be patient. You owe it to yourself to be patient.

2nd reply I just wanted to say that you wrote some very wise words here. I wish I was half a wise as you are.
Thank you again for those words

 

[Jadedmeursault9]

When I think of people dying for others, I think of Romeo & Juliet type scenarios or people sacrificing themselves for their country and stuff of that nature.

It's very obvious this girl doesn't want you to do this. There's no glory to be gained from it. You owe it to yourself to relax a bit. You owe it to her. I assure you she will find out eventually.

I was suicidal about a girl several times. Looking back on it now, I'm so glad I didn't go through with it. I'm in a much better space. Hindsight is always 20/20.

From the sounds of things, you've been making mistakes on impulse. You act on impulse and move too fast. Who is to say this isn't another impulsive mistake? It's better to fail and to learn from it than to just give up. You can use this as a step towards the right direction. You can stop making mistakes and start by not doing this.

This is coming from someone who has literally been in your shoes before. It's not worth it man. It's worth the wait. I promise.

 

[JalanAtthirariAnni]

When I think of people dying for others, I think of Romeo & Juliet type scenarios or people sacrificing themselves for their country and stuff of that nature.

It's very obvious this girl doesn't want you to do this. There's no glory to be gained from it. You owe it to yourself to relax a bit. You owe it to her. I assure you she will find out eventually.

I was suicidal about a girl several times. Looking back on it now, I'm so glad I didn't go through with it. I'm in a much better space. Hindsight is always 20/20.

From the sounds of things, you've been making mistakes because on impulse. You act on impulse and move too fast. Who is to say this isn't another impulsive mistake? It's better to fail and to learn from it than to just give up. You can use this as a step towards the right direction. You can stop making mistakes and start by not doing this.

This is coming from someone who has literally been in your shoes before. It's not worth it man. It's worth the wait. I promise.

You are right, I am impulsive and impatient. I had unsuccessful attempt before I even met her and she knows about it. Even if she finds out how can she blame herself for my mistakes especially that I had an attempt already ?
This is not a first time I want to go. I am at the age where I have very little time left to fix my life and it's completely messed up, I work crappy job for literal bowl of rice and can't find better one for months. I have debt.
She wants to have a family already so it's just matter of time she finds a suitable man that will tick all the boxes for a family.
I get your point about carrying on and that things might get better over time but I simply do not see a reason to carry on and start all over again (that would be 3rd time).
Maybe you are right, I definitely don't want to hurt her but she knows my life and I think she is smart enough to do not blame her self.

 

[Jadedmeursault9]

If she is not willing to build with you and grow together with you then maybe she isn't the one. And I know that sucks to hear. I know so badly you want her to be. But often times, the version of people you have in your head and the way they actually are are 2 different thing.
Love is love regardless of finances.

I've started over 5 times, at least. I am lucky enough to say I've found a girl who is willing to work and help pay rent and build a life with me. Those other people I dated weren't that. And it's not perfect. It never is. But it's good. I don't feel like I'm settling, but, becoming. And you can do that too. It just takes time. Don't try to do it all at once (I have that problem too). Take it one step at a time. Perhaps, research a different job and cook a nice meal. Then the next day, maybe get a haircut or dress yourself in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. Next day, maybe look for through the jobs again and sing a song. Don't stop until you find it. Do something, just for yourself, once a day. Those little, small, insignificant victories add up over time. You can't just magically get the girl and the bank account of your dreams. It's something that you have to work towards.

You deserve the happy ending.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering, I wish you the best.

 

[Alexandra_]

Happy Way, friend

 

[Leyna]

I hope you find peace