Story my father's a piece of shit

[milquetoast]

back when i was a kid, i was real close with my dad. he made me love the things i love now, and i'd often enjoy my time with him. he'd sometimes get me the things i wanted, help me out with schoolwork and all that. he was someone i looked up to, someone i was happy to be with. then around high school, he started to be at home less, his reasoning being his work being more troublesome as he usually was a away for a long time since he works as an civil engineer and his projects does take a while sometimes, and everyone in the family accepted that reason, he'd sometimes go home during weekends, days i kept looking forward to. around the later years of high school, he sort of just stopped coming home. my family had kept in touch with him but there was this weird feeling of disconnect, that feeling of distance not just because he's away, but a distance that felt like he didn't care as much about us anymore, pair that up with some of the worst years of my life, and that was mostly why i felt miserable those years. still feel said misery to this day actually.

then a family member saw my dad with another woman, another family. he had been with them for years at that point. he seemed happy with them, even supported the woman's children. when my father realized that we knew, he just stopped hiding the truth and began to just openly be with the other family. posting pictures with them and all.

during my graduation on high school, he didn't even show up. not even a simple "congratulations on graduating!" message. meanwhile he was beyond jubilant that his stepdaughter graduated high school as well. no messages during my birthday. that was when i just sort of got used to it. if he's going to act like that, might as well act like he's gone from my life entirely, with apathy fully blanketing me.

and now i'm here, first year in college and he's suddenly back at our home. a awkward feeling in the air whenever he's back home. i had mixed feelings when i saw him in front of the door on that morning, a few seconds of joy (which i hated myself for feeling that) and then just spite leaving in its wake, not even entertaining his tries at small talk. he only came back home because a project of his is on the neighboring city, and most days he's on the company dorm, he would usually come back home at random, with him being so out of place that he mostly stays alone in his room or watching tv with none watching along with him.

i feel like a idiot, knowing deep down i do still care for him somewhat, but the rational part of me knows that i probably should stop caring and only accept his financial help because it is his responsibility and i mostly try to shirk away from him whenever he wants to talk. at least my siblings share my discomfort whenever they visit home and they see dad's there. i don't want have to do anything with him again, despite how much that hurts me, despite the time he had spent with me as a kid. he had broken my trust and there's no coming back from that.

i want to hate his guts but all i feel is just apathy towards him these days.

 

[Rack.-]

It's understandable that you feel apathetic towards him, you did have good memories with him and he is still taking care of you (to some extent). Of course this doesn't retract the thing he did to you, which were in fact quite cruel...

But if he still comes to your place just maybe the situation is still not done for, if you are still seeing him occasionally and he is also staying in your place then it's not the same as if you and your family decided to forget about him completely and keep going with your lives. So just maybe there's still a way of fixing everything even if it was just a little. Like next time you see him watching the TV on the couch or something couldn't you ask what does he think of everything that happened so far and how does he feel about it?

I just wanted to give a personal opinion, I'm in no way saying what you should or should not do because I don't know nothing about it. But I'll try to help you to the best extent I can <3

 

[Argo]

during my graduation on high school, he didn't even show up. not even a simple "congratulations on graduating!" message. meanwhile he was beyond jubilant that his stepdaughter graduated high school as well. no messages during my birthday. that was when i just sort of got used to it. if he's going to act like that, might as well act like he's gone from my life entirely, with apathy fully blanketing me.

Relatable, except mine was always out of the picture. Not a single birthday card or phone call, just to show you the extreme version of your situation. And I resented him most of my life, it wasn't even mixed feelings. But I know at this point that he had a hard life, because I know his father was a callous person. Maybe that will help you not resent yours if you think about his life and what he went through, but maybe it'll be hard for you if many signs point to your dad having a relatively good family. That won't mean he didn't have major struggles/trauma, because families that appear good often hide secrets or darkness. So it's a pretty safe assumption regardless of how things look, to know that he had to struggle in ways that almost certainly made him not the greatest at showing love when he needs to. You'll have to reflect on that for yourself, which can sometimes take a lifetime.

 

[milquetoast]

But if he still comes to your place just maybe the situation is still not done for, if you are still seeing him occasionally and he is also staying in your place then it's not the same as if you and your family decided to forget about him completely and keep going with your lives. So just maybe there's still a way of fixing everything even if it was just a little. Like next time you see him watching the TV on the couch or something couldn't you ask what does he think of everything that happened so far and how does he feel about it?

maybe, but as of right now i don't have the energy nor the want to talk to him. whenever he tries to start small talk i do start to reply sometimes as long as i think i'm in a good enough of a mood. if possible i might just try to talk to him more about it, but i think even he feels awkward around us sometimes.

Maybe that will help you not resent yours if you think about his life and what he went through, but maybe it'll be hard for you if many signs point to your dad having a relatively good family. That won't mean he didn't have major struggles/trauma, because families that appear good often hide secrets or darkness. So it's a pretty safe assumption regardless of how things look, to know that he had to struggle in ways that almost certainly made him not the greatest at showing love when he needs to. You'll have to reflect on that for yourself, which can sometimes take a lifetime.

i think from experience he doesn't often show love properly, but to me that doesn't really excuse the fact he went over our backs and is now with another family and is even supporting said family, with us sometimes getting the shorter end of the stick on the support. my siblings and i had to get scholarships (if we were able to), with my brother even having to take a part time job just to stay afloat while studying. luckily, i'm the only one at college now and my 3 siblings have finished their studies so we have more leeway than before. although i had to sacrifice some of my own money for my nieces as they got sick recently. the guy didn't even give money for a simple check-up for his grandnieces, me and my brother had to do that to help our sister.

i do think i need time to forgive him (if i ever will) at some point, its just not now.

 

[Rack.-]

i think from experience he doesn't often show love properly, but to me that doesn't really excuse the fact he went over our backs and is now with another family and is even supporting said family, with us sometimes getting the shorter end of the stick on the support. my siblings and i had to get scholarships (if we were able to), with my brother even having to take a part time job just to stay afloat while studying. luckily, i'm the only one at college now and my 3 siblings have finished their studies so we have more leeway than before.

i do think i need time to forgive him (if i ever will) at some point, its just not now.

Makes sense, honestly I don't know how I would react if it happened to me but I know it would be incredibly hard to make amends for it... Sending a big hug your way , I'd love to talk if you ever want to <3