My farewell (partial hanging)

[grungeCat]

Hello!

It is the first and probably the last time I create a thread here. I guess the game begins to end for me. I've been suffering from depression since I was 8 years old. It obviously implicated chronic loneliness due to enormous self isolating. My social development went completely wrong. I'm not even able to talk with anybody. I tried to fix myself, I visited psychiatrists, psychologists and really followed their instructions. However, still every day brings me nothing but sufferance and hopelessness. I think it is time to go. I would go for SN as it's very cheap and easy to get in my country. But my controlling mother banned access to my own money... oh boy.

And that's another problem – parents. They do everything to stop me from ctb. They are very caring and I love them but it's impossible to convince them to let me choose what's better for me. They still believe I will be fine someday. I have to hide with ctbing. I'm sorry it would be such an unpleasant surprise to find me dead but they left me no choice.

I will go for partial hanging. I'm an electronics enthusiast so I have a plenty of wires. I chose a single three core 2,9 m long flat cable used to provide high current output. It has a very thick rubber isolation and seems to be resilient. I don't know if it's a good choice, I will be glad if you say what you think. Its surface is pretty harsh but I think soap will do the trick.

I don't have an exact time to do this. I'll just wait for the right time when I am sure nobody interupts me. When it's time I will update this thread.

Thank you for being such a caring and understanding community, even if I acted weird sometimes. I love ya all! See you on the other side.

 

[timetofly]

Oh boy, my story is almost identical. Depression since 7-8 yo, loneliness, inability to relate to others. In my teens, I had some interest in life, but then… it's just a constant struggle. I've visited psychologists & psychiatrists too, with no results.

In order to be able to live I need to function in this society so I can have money, and I just can't, I have no energy, people scare me, distractions (movies, music, etc.) don't work because I can't relate to the things being portrayed. With almost no money now, my time is coming to its logical end.

I wish you success and peace when it's time!

 

[SunnyPotato]

So sorry to hear about your situation and how much you're hurting. I hope you find peace, whether that's today or not- you do have some control and you don't need to rush if you don't feel it's the right time. If you do go for it, I truly hope it all goes easily and you find some peace finally. Sending love.

 

[Cherrypea]

Love and peace xxx

 

[rt1989526]

Wish you peace. You are very brave. Know you're supported whatever you decide.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm sorry to hear about your situation. i hope your journey goes safely, and that you find peace.

 

[virtualoctopus]

Seems like the situation with your parents has painted you into a corner. There are ways to get around that, especially if you live in one of the more affluent countries and have access to a computer. My situation is not all that dissimilar, but I've managed to circumnavigate intervention by using a private PO box, a bitcoin trading platform and credit debt financing. May ruin your credit line, but WTF do you care, its not like your invested in your future.

 

[Ghost2211]

Safe travels to you friend. You'll be in my thoughts and heart.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Wishing you all the peace in the world on your journey and hoping when the time comes, that its fast and smooth for you. Sending love

 

[death137]

Peace

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I wish you peace.

 

[grungeCat]

Little complications occurred - 2 failures after testing. My hook in basement turned out to be too poorly attached and didn't withstand the load. Additionally the ligature I chose cracked in few places so it can't be used for hanging. My second choice is 1,5 m long HDMI cable. Today evening I plan to do another test. If everything goes well then I'll catch the bus the day after tomorrow.

 

[albino_elk]

Little complications occurred - 2 failures after testing. My hook in basement turned out to be too poorly attached and didn't withstand the load. Additionally the ligature I chose cracked in few places so it can't be used for hanging. My second choice is 1,5 m long HDMI cable. Today evening I plan to do another test. If everything goes well then I'll catch the bus the day after tomorrow.

Cable sounds painful for a neck:s

 

[grungeCat]

Cable sounds painful for a neck:s

Well it surely does ;( I will try to put a scarf between the cable and my neck to minimalize the pain but I don't think it does much. However, if everything goes well then you just feel pain for a couple of seconds.

 

[albino_elk]

Well it surely does ;( I will try to put a scarf between the cable and my neck to minimalize the pain but I don't think it does much. However, if everything goes well then you just feel pain for a couple of seconds.

I dont know if its a couple of seconds or few mins but good luck:)
I have a rope and im planning to do partial or full tonight:D

 

[grungeCat]

I dont know if its a couple of seconds or few mins but good luck:)
I have a rope and im planning to do partial or full tonight:D

Oh ok, I wish you good luck too!

 

[grungeCat]

Well, I've done all the testing and ... it seems like none of the hooks in my house are appriopriate to withstand the load. Tomorrow I'll ride my bike to a nearby forest and I find the tree.

 

[grungeCat]

Haha... what a fucking irony. I guess I got what I deserve.
Tried to hang myself, I scared my mother to death. Literally, she passed away. Heart attack. I tried my best to rescue her. But the doctor said it's over.
Oh well, I guess she wouldn't grief if I kill myself. My dear mother, you won't be lonely there, I promise! Hang on, I'm coming to you.

 

[icanhasnick]

This is surreal wtf :'/

 

[albino_elk]

Its hard to believe that

 

[Deleted member 14177]

I'm so so sorry... there are no words. My heart hurts for you.

 

[grungeCat]

Fuck this, if my father will suffer as much as I do right now then I don't wanna die. It's an umimaginable pain. I feel as everything in my body aches. I can't think of anything else but my mother. I cry all the time. And I caused such a pain to my mother. I will never forgive myself, never! And I promise I won't let anyone suffer in this world. I promise I won't ever attempt to kill myself. BUT WHY DID I REALIZE THIS WHEN EVERYTHING IS OVER? MOTHER I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! WHY AM I SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON?! WHY DO I KEEP HURTING THE ONES I LOVE? WHY

 

[albino_elk]

To learn. In the past i hurt a lot of people whom i loved but back then i was so edgy and fucked up. You learn through pain

 

[Deleted member 18655]

@grungeCat I'm so sorry you're going through so many emotions. I can't say much - certainly nothing that can make anything better. I don't know if it's right for me to say this, but please consider doing nothing for the next while except grieving the loss of your mum. You can make decisions and/or blame yourself to whatever extent you want to, later. Sit with memories and grieve for her and celebrate what you can of her life. The rest can wait. Be gentle on yourself (as much as you can) and don't be too resolute with any decisions. And now that you are in such a rare position, talk to her - you don't need to hide anything from her now