So my dad seems to be so depressed that he isn't able to hold his job anymore. I am way too much of a mental wreck to be ever able to earn money on a regular Basis. I think my mom panicks over it. But she tries to hide it in front of me. My mom isn't rational at All. I would like to save money by spending less money on High quality groceries. She doesn't like this idea at all. I think in order to hide her sorrows she bought even more expensive groceries. I have one idea to fix our issues but it could become really uncomfortable. Eventually there will be no other way out.
I am ruminating a lot how I could save money. I changed my mobile data subscription from 10 to 5 bucks a month. I will probably stop to add new figures to my fake anime figures collection. I consider to cancel my subscription to a certain news magazine. This could save quite some money. But I still enjoy the magazine.
I notice my teeth might be moving due to crunching. Soon I will have an appointment at the dentist and I hope they can calm me down a little bit. Currently, I try to consciously stop crunching. I have a biteguard but I simply cannot Sleep with it. And sleep is so important due to my bipolar disorder.
I fear poverty so much. And my friends are close to getting their degrees.
I wish I could simply kill myself. I found two potential sources for SN but I am not sure whether they also send to private customers. If I survive an attempt my mom would get a stroke and this would be the final nail in the Coffin of this family. My mom holds this family together also financially. The risky heart operation of her boyfriend is over. He had a stroke but the doctors called him stable. The worst case scenario could be prevented but I am not sure if the outcome is good.
I texted more with my grandma. I already planned to meet her in the hospital soon. But she also gave me a guilty conscience and I think she did that on purpose and I don't like something like that. Actually I would like to give her my remaining time on earth but sadly something like that doesn't work.
And the interesting ADHD/autism woman who I dated isn't responding anymore. My paranoid anxiety is that she thinks I cheated on her and this is why she cut the contact. The more likely reason. Actually, she really enjoyed the contact how she often expressed it. But she realized she doesn't have the resources to keep the contact up. She has a child with a health condition, works and Studies part-time and of course she herself deals with mental health issues. I really miss the contact with her. We had an emotional bond. But I think I will have to Deal with the bitter Reality. I have to move on. I wonder whether she will contact me in the future. Maybe I will be dead already. It would probably be better for me. My predicament makes me really uncomfortable.
I am ruminating a lot how I could save money. I changed my mobile data subscription from 10 to 5 bucks a month. I will probably stop to add new figures to my fake anime figures collection. I consider to cancel my subscription to a certain news magazine. This could save quite some money. But I still enjoy the magazine.
I notice my teeth might be moving due to crunching. Soon I will have an appointment at the dentist and I hope they can calm me down a little bit. Currently, I try to consciously stop crunching. I have a biteguard but I simply cannot Sleep with it. And sleep is so important due to my bipolar disorder.
I fear poverty so much. And my friends are close to getting their degrees.
I wish I could simply kill myself. I found two potential sources for SN but I am not sure whether they also send to private customers. If I survive an attempt my mom would get a stroke and this would be the final nail in the Coffin of this family. My mom holds this family together also financially. The risky heart operation of her boyfriend is over. He had a stroke but the doctors called him stable. The worst case scenario could be prevented but I am not sure if the outcome is good.
I texted more with my grandma. I already planned to meet her in the hospital soon. But she also gave me a guilty conscience and I think she did that on purpose and I don't like something like that. Actually I would like to give her my remaining time on earth but sadly something like that doesn't work.
And the interesting ADHD/autism woman who I dated isn't responding anymore. My paranoid anxiety is that she thinks I cheated on her and this is why she cut the contact. The more likely reason. Actually, she really enjoyed the contact how she often expressed it. But she realized she doesn't have the resources to keep the contact up. She has a child with a health condition, works and Studies part-time and of course she herself deals with mental health issues. I really miss the contact with her. We had an emotional bond. But I think I will have to Deal with the bitter Reality. I have to move on. I wonder whether she will contact me in the future. Maybe I will be dead already. It would probably be better for me. My predicament makes me really uncomfortable.
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