I was in a a clinic for acute suicidal people recently. They know I am suicidal. They are heartbroken but also a little bit mad at me. A little bit blaming me.
Bipolar is a living hell. I am not sure how long I am stilll alive. My love delusions ruined it with my crush. I think she started to be interested in me and I ruined it in record time. I really don't know how long I will last. I am at my pain limit. I am only living in my delusions to cope. But sometimes I crash and then I feel beyong nightmarish. At Monday I will see my crush again and after acting that strange she cannot be interested in me anymore.
I will die innerly. I have no more SN here anymore. I am scared to order it now the police just came to my house when I was about to take the SN. My friends called the police. Maybe I am a little bit too talkative for suicide. My goal is to live for some more months. My parents went through a lot when i was in the clinic. And I cannot return to that clinic after such a short amount of time.
My family feels horrible. I notice that. I think the stay was bad for everyone's health. But I am just beyond my pain limit. I am in a mixed manic depressive episode. Generally I feel good and I am able to hide my pain often. However, the crashs are beyond nightmarish. There is no right to do something like that to me. There is no law that I have to endure that. Nothing is worth living like that.
My family abused me. I stomached everything that last decade. I had 7 or 8 clinic stay, took 30 different medication, had 3 psychotherapies. My dad was really confused he told me. Well you always talked about suicide but I could not imagine you would do something like that. Ordering poison online. Lmao. He talked with my aunt who low key guilt tripped me how a son could do something like that to his parents. I wasn't there but my dad told me about it.
It is wrong to imagine that a dog that always barks wouldn't bite.
If I do it againi I have to be way more determined though. Way more careful planning and no talk to my friends. But I was very ambivalent when I was about to take the SN. At the same time the notion that the endless war in my head would be over was so relieving. Simply the thought no more thinking. At the same time this was an illusion because I sort of called for help by texting my friends. However, we always said they would never call the police. But I am not mad at them.
I want to die so badly but I should wait some months for my next "attempt" so that my environment has time to calm down. However, I simply cannot wait until my parents are dead. I think I cannot even wait until my grandma is dead. Tbh they abused the shit out of me as a child. Bipolar and I have a very severe form with psychosis and autism is hell on earth. I cannot understand how people can not commit suicide.
In my self-help group I played it down how dangerous the situation was. I joked so much. Tbh I looked death in the eye I don't care whether they take my suicidality serious. I don't feel it is necessary to burden more people with it.
My psychiatrist did not even ask for an appointment. I spilled the tea with some nurses at the clinic. But well it does not change my life quality in the longrun. I am very very tired.
Bipolar is a living hell. I am not sure how long I am stilll alive. My love delusions ruined it with my crush. I think she started to be interested in me and I ruined it in record time. I really don't know how long I will last. I am at my pain limit. I am only living in my delusions to cope. But sometimes I crash and then I feel beyong nightmarish. At Monday I will see my crush again and after acting that strange she cannot be interested in me anymore.
I will die innerly. I have no more SN here anymore. I am scared to order it now the police just came to my house when I was about to take the SN. My friends called the police. Maybe I am a little bit too talkative for suicide. My goal is to live for some more months. My parents went through a lot when i was in the clinic. And I cannot return to that clinic after such a short amount of time.
My family feels horrible. I notice that. I think the stay was bad for everyone's health. But I am just beyond my pain limit. I am in a mixed manic depressive episode. Generally I feel good and I am able to hide my pain often. However, the crashs are beyond nightmarish. There is no right to do something like that to me. There is no law that I have to endure that. Nothing is worth living like that.
My family abused me. I stomached everything that last decade. I had 7 or 8 clinic stay, took 30 different medication, had 3 psychotherapies. My dad was really confused he told me. Well you always talked about suicide but I could not imagine you would do something like that. Ordering poison online. Lmao. He talked with my aunt who low key guilt tripped me how a son could do something like that to his parents. I wasn't there but my dad told me about it.
It is wrong to imagine that a dog that always barks wouldn't bite.
If I do it againi I have to be way more determined though. Way more careful planning and no talk to my friends. But I was very ambivalent when I was about to take the SN. At the same time the notion that the endless war in my head would be over was so relieving. Simply the thought no more thinking. At the same time this was an illusion because I sort of called for help by texting my friends. However, we always said they would never call the police. But I am not mad at them.
I want to die so badly but I should wait some months for my next "attempt" so that my environment has time to calm down. However, I simply cannot wait until my parents are dead. I think I cannot even wait until my grandma is dead. Tbh they abused the shit out of me as a child. Bipolar and I have a very severe form with psychosis and autism is hell on earth. I cannot understand how people can not commit suicide.
In my self-help group I played it down how dangerous the situation was. I joked so much. Tbh I looked death in the eye I don't care whether they take my suicidality serious. I don't feel it is necessary to burden more people with it.
My psychiatrist did not even ask for an appointment. I spilled the tea with some nurses at the clinic. But well it does not change my life quality in the longrun. I am very very tired.
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