I think I am the only one who already recognized it. I think my mom notices it more and more. But my dad and sister are fully delusional. Not fully in the psychosis sense but they are very bad at self-reflecting. I think the untreated depression of my dad led to some dementia like damage but seeminly he can work. I envy that. My sister had two psychosis but I don't consider her fully sane anymore. Probably I am not fully sane anymore either but she is not aware at all about her condition and life.
If you have read some threads of mine you will know my mom had a stroke. This family was financially ruined even prior that event you can imagine a stroke won't help with that. My mom is back from the hospital. I had a long conversation with her. It was kind of burdensome for me. I have learned so many new information which help to understand the situation. It would take a huge amount of time to explain everything. But I sum it up. There were more factors for her stroke than I thought. I kind of blamed me for her stroke because she helped me so much. But there were so much more factors. For example she forgot to take some of her medication which contributed to it. What shocked me her husband might want to divorce her. What a fucking asshole. He told me not to strain my mom with chores. Though the first thing he seemingly does is to start an argument with her. She cried afterwards and I tried to comfort her. This dude is such a fucking jerk. Some months ago he insulted me severely for not treating my mom well. Ironically because she always tells my grandma that he treats her badly. I blocked him later for several months on a messenger. He is so fucking stupid. He asked me whether we want to go to a grocery store today. I said no thanks I wait till my dad comes at the weekend. I have enough grocery to get by the next days. Seemingly he was pissed by that. He felt insulted I prefered to go with my dad to the grocery store. Is he insane? Is this a good reason to hurt my mom soon after her hospital stay? I assume he was probably pissed by the fact I blocked him so long. The only good thing if they divorced my mom would get a lot of money. We could really need it.
My mom kind of blames my sister for some behaviors. I also think my sister really behaves irrationally. She did many very counterproductive decisions financially and now begs my parents for money. I told my mom she should work less but she responded your sister needs the money. Just because my sister did some beauty operations. I once asked her whether this really was a smart investion. And she answered without a doubt yes. I think my sister blames me for burdening my mom too much. Though maybe I am only paranoid.
Yeah I talked a lot with my mom today. The health of my mom and college rather made me depressive during the last days. Which is I think less dangerous than manic symptoms. I sleep long which is rather a sign for depression. But I am not experienced enough maybe this is also a very bad sign. But manic symptoms scare me more. I talked to my mom and we spoke about my financials, our future etc. I think she more and more recognizes this family has no future. Me and my sister probably cannot work. My whole family is delusional about that. But my mom really expressed concerns. My other family members rather act like this must not happen this is why it will not happen. Which is extremely naive and stupid in my point ofd view. On the other hand what would their panic change. I had some ideas which could decrease the damage like life insurances. But this is all an huge gamble. I think there is likely no way out. I will probably ctb in the end. Not sure what exactly will kill me either a new psychosis with extreme psychosomatic pain or poverty. The stroke makes the situation way worse. The likelihood for a solution sinked even way more.
My main concern currently is getting a new psychosis and then my mom gets a stroke because of my bad mental condtition. The acute suicidality is always very burdensome for most people who experience it. Usually I already plan to kill myself after the next psychosis. My new nightmare scenario is me surviving a suicide attempt but my mom dies because of her shock and a new stroke. So I am stuck in this prison which I call my consciousness even more. I tend to kill myself anyway but being careful to succeed. Though it would be way easier to kill myself if my parents were dead. All my life prospects got so much worse just withhin some days. I would need a miracle for an happy end probably more than one and instead shit like that happens.
I am really desperate.
If you have read some threads of mine you will know my mom had a stroke. This family was financially ruined even prior that event you can imagine a stroke won't help with that. My mom is back from the hospital. I had a long conversation with her. It was kind of burdensome for me. I have learned so many new information which help to understand the situation. It would take a huge amount of time to explain everything. But I sum it up. There were more factors for her stroke than I thought. I kind of blamed me for her stroke because she helped me so much. But there were so much more factors. For example she forgot to take some of her medication which contributed to it. What shocked me her husband might want to divorce her. What a fucking asshole. He told me not to strain my mom with chores. Though the first thing he seemingly does is to start an argument with her. She cried afterwards and I tried to comfort her. This dude is such a fucking jerk. Some months ago he insulted me severely for not treating my mom well. Ironically because she always tells my grandma that he treats her badly. I blocked him later for several months on a messenger. He is so fucking stupid. He asked me whether we want to go to a grocery store today. I said no thanks I wait till my dad comes at the weekend. I have enough grocery to get by the next days. Seemingly he was pissed by that. He felt insulted I prefered to go with my dad to the grocery store. Is he insane? Is this a good reason to hurt my mom soon after her hospital stay? I assume he was probably pissed by the fact I blocked him so long. The only good thing if they divorced my mom would get a lot of money. We could really need it.
My mom kind of blames my sister for some behaviors. I also think my sister really behaves irrationally. She did many very counterproductive decisions financially and now begs my parents for money. I told my mom she should work less but she responded your sister needs the money. Just because my sister did some beauty operations. I once asked her whether this really was a smart investion. And she answered without a doubt yes. I think my sister blames me for burdening my mom too much. Though maybe I am only paranoid.
Yeah I talked a lot with my mom today. The health of my mom and college rather made me depressive during the last days. Which is I think less dangerous than manic symptoms. I sleep long which is rather a sign for depression. But I am not experienced enough maybe this is also a very bad sign. But manic symptoms scare me more. I talked to my mom and we spoke about my financials, our future etc. I think she more and more recognizes this family has no future. Me and my sister probably cannot work. My whole family is delusional about that. But my mom really expressed concerns. My other family members rather act like this must not happen this is why it will not happen. Which is extremely naive and stupid in my point ofd view. On the other hand what would their panic change. I had some ideas which could decrease the damage like life insurances. But this is all an huge gamble. I think there is likely no way out. I will probably ctb in the end. Not sure what exactly will kill me either a new psychosis with extreme psychosomatic pain or poverty. The stroke makes the situation way worse. The likelihood for a solution sinked even way more.
My main concern currently is getting a new psychosis and then my mom gets a stroke because of my bad mental condtition. The acute suicidality is always very burdensome for most people who experience it. Usually I already plan to kill myself after the next psychosis. My new nightmare scenario is me surviving a suicide attempt but my mom dies because of her shock and a new stroke. So I am stuck in this prison which I call my consciousness even more. I tend to kill myself anyway but being careful to succeed. Though it would be way easier to kill myself if my parents were dead. All my life prospects got so much worse just withhin some days. I would need a miracle for an happy end probably more than one and instead shit like that happens.
I am really desperate.
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