Venting My family is not my friend—I have no one, and I'll have to learn to walk alone

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I have made my decision.

My family is not my friend. I have no one, and I'll have to learn to walk alone.

I give up on my mother. All along, I thought my narcissistic father was the only one to blame, but in recent years, I realised that she too, is part of the problem—just as pathological, if not even worse. Due to her being a fellow victim of his mistreatment, I have been hesitant to acknowledge this, but what happened this morning is the last straw.

I have been wounded too many times to put my trust in her anymore. This morning's outing was soured by yet another sermon of toxic positivity and forced gratitude. Worst of all, I made a grave mistake in opening up to her about my desire to do volunteer work. Because I was met with yet another disappointing slap in the face, as she went all Negative Nelly about how I could be exploited, as well as the fact that this kind of work will not put food on the table.

I decided that I will no longer be responsible for her or her happiness. I will no longer make excuses for her behaviour. I'll just have to accept that she has been, and will be, the way she is, and I will not mourn what could have been. I will not waste another ounce of energy trying to change her mind or win her approval for any decision I make in my life. I've been riding the yin-yang roller-coaster of her emotions—sunny one moment then pouring the next. I'm tired of simultaneously playing the role of therapist and punching bag. She doesn't realise how draining it is to be around her!

From now on, I will police our interactions and make sure I don't give away more than I should. Our conversations will be brief, impersonal, and unemotional. Just because you're family, it doesn't mean you're entitled to every single little detail of my life.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I have similar feelings regarding my mom. I need to be very careful with what I share. Because every little thing can end up being criticized. And she thinks she's entitled to that because she's my mom. She would comment on my weight for example. She does this with me and my sister, but of course not anyone else because she wouldn't dare. That would be rude. She doesn't understand how this is problematic. And after years of trying to explain I think it's futile. I still need to remind her of my boundaries regularly. And I sometimes still fall into the trap of not voicing my boundaries around her. It's very tiring and I find it best not to share anything personal. And sometimes I still share too much. Like I said it's tiring. Best of luck to you.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Thank you for you kind words, @Lostandlooking.

I still need to remind her of my boundaries regularly. And I sometimes still fall into the trap of not voicing my boundaries around her. It's very tiring and I find it best not to share anything personal. And sometimes I still share too much. Like I said it's tiring.

This!

Because I have confided in my mother all my life, having to train myself to think before I act, in front of her, certainly is a daunting task. Doing so feels awkward and unnatural at best, and cold, cruel and selfish at worst—as though you're turning your back on a friend.

With that being said, in recent years our conversations have at many times, turned toxic or were just plain unproductive. Hence, I have decided that taking a tough stance and putting up boundaries with her will be for the best.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think you do need to protect yourself. Especially when there are narcissists in the mix. I feel sure I grew up with one. Presumably- you know all about the term 'flying monkeys'? I think you almost have to acknowledge that you can't fully trust the people who have aligned themselves with a narcissist. My relationships with such people have always been civil but decidedly cool. It seems safer that way- to protect ourselves.

But yeah- it's sad- especially when it's family but sometimes, I think we have to acknowledge that certain people in our lives are terribly detrimental to us.

 

[AsexualArgonianBard]

Thank you for being brave enough to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, friend. I find society's tendency to push people to simply love their family - even if they mistreat them - incredibly distasteful. Cheers that you may meet people who will become your new, true family.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I think you do need to protect yourself. Especially when there are narcissists in the mix. I feel sure I grew up with one. Presumably- you know all about the term 'flying monkeys'? I think you almost have to acknowledge that you can't fully trust the people who have aligned themselves with a narcissist. My relationships with such people have always been civil but decidedly cool. It seems safer that way- to protect ourselves.

But yeah- it's sad- especially when it's family but sometimes, I think we have to acknowledge that certain people in our lives are terribly detrimental to us.

I've come across the term "flying monkey", yes. Narcissists make things so difficult for everyone around them, and having to come to terms with the fact that you can't confide in your family is indeed a bitter pill to swallow. However, while I wouldn't consider my mother a willing accomplice to Nfather, I feel that she definitely did enable him to get away with whatever he does. Even though she does harbour resentment and complains about him from time to time, when we voice our unhappiness about his behaviors, she would be quick to jump to his defense. A lot of times she would pull the "if it weren't for him, you wouldn't be where you are today" card. Not only that, but she would pride herself for having been able to put up with him for all these years when no other woman would.

At first, I felt sorry for her. After all, she has been conditioned by the prevailing gender roles of her time, that women are subject to their husbands (we're Asian). Not only that, but getting into Nfather's bad books would probably not be the most tactical thing to do. I thought of how hard it must've been for her to have had to sacrifice so much for the sake of our family, so it never crossed my mind to question the things she did—some of which I now know, thanks to the Internet, to be pathological—until it became intolerable.

Some time this year, a voice inside my head warned me that I needed to stop taking other's sufferings upon myself. Resentment is already starting to manifest itself in the form of a short fuse. If I don't start paying attention to my own needs, confrontation will be inevitable.

 

[Kit1]

What I am going to say is harsh. A mother or father - their first loyalty should always be to their children no matter what. I feel sorry for people who have or are suffering domestic abuse and how inadvertently this can damage the children. But children do not ask to be born - most of the time (not always), we make an active choice to have children. They are innocent and vulnerable little beings and as their mum or dad, we should be able to love them unconditionally, offer them a safe and secure upbringing and give them the space to grow and confidently explore the world and make a life for themselves. What we do as parents is our duty/job that we created - the children do notnowe us anything, we owe them a decent, healthy and happy upbringing. If this was not provided, it is better for the child/young person to walk away.

I am sorry if I sound harsh. I speak as a mum - but also as a child who had walked away aged 14 and never looked back. It was painful and no child should should ever go through that (ever).

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Thank you for your kind compliments and well wishes @AsexualArgonianBard!

I find society's tendency to push people to simply love their family - even if they mistreat them - incredibly distasteful.

I feel the same way too. Just as "love your enemy" has been misused by abusers to silence victims, evade accountability and maintain power.

Fostering the mindset that family "should be there for each other" is certainly a step in the right direction for us as a society. However, unfortunately for some of us, our families do not offer the support that we need, and expecting the above to be the standard sets you up for disappointment and suffering.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

What I am going to say is harsh. A mother or father - their first loyalty should always be to their children no matter what. I feel sorry for people who have or are suffering domestic abuse and how inadvertently this can damage the children. But children do not ask to be born - most of the time (not always), we make an active choice to have children. They are innocent and vulnerable little beings and as their mum or dad, we should be able to love them unconditionally, offer them a safe and secure upbringing and give them the space to grow and confidently explore the world and make a life for themselves. What we do as parents is our duty/job that we created - the children do notnowe us anything, we owe them a decent, healthy and happy upbringing. If this was not provided, it is better for the child/young person to walk away.

I am sorry if I sound harsh. I speak as a mum - but also as a child who had walked away aged 14 and never looked back. It was painful and no child should should ever go through that (ever).

No worries at all! Your input is greatly appreciated, and I'm sorry for what you've been through.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that children don't ask to be born, so they shouldn't be made to feel like they owe their parents. I really hate the fact that Eastern cultures put emphasis on the indebtedness of children to their parents, where children are obliged to return the care they receive from their parents. The Chinese, for instance, have proverbs and idioms that reflect the cultural attitude of filial subordination. As a tragic consequence of society's endorsement of this kind of conditional loving, the transactional parent-child relationship has perpetuated itself throughout generations!

With that being said, I'm heartened to see more and more of us speaking out and breaking the silence—instead of letting what happens at home stay at home—against this toxic culture. This gives me hope that by taking this first step, perhaps we can one day break out of this vicious cycle.